The AI Gives Back

The Apartment Invitational is proud of its concern for those less fortunate in our community. Over the years, the Executive Committee has felt it better to make a firm commitment to one organization, rather than shrink our impact by spreading ourselves too thin.

We know there are many organizations worthy of your support. It is with great pride, then, that we announce the AI's continued support and the full faith and commitment of our resources to the Peyronie's Disease Institute. We hope you will help us make a difference again this year.

Fore(play)caddies

With the understanding that Bay Hill will almost certainly be cart path only for AI-XIV, our steering committee always has its radar out for ways to make the AI more enjoyable for our competitors and maintain our position as one of the premier tournaments in the world. It is with that in mind, and only that, that (that's a lot of 'thats') that we present our newest corporate partner: http://www.playgolfdesigns.com/

The Will to Prepare (sic)

Although a decorated educator, the AI-X champion is apparently nearly incapable of navigating through the internetz even though Pre-K children are crawling around day care centers around the world with laptops strapped to their backs.

Herewith, then, an entry from the Reef (who doesn't want to win):
I first heard it from the great Robert Montgomery Knight: “Everybody has the will to win, it’s the will to prepare that counts”. And, largely I suppose because my mother told me every day that, “You don’t have to be like everybody else”, I have very little will to win. Ah, but the will to prepare? Herewith enclosed is a shot captured surreptitiously by intrepid paparazzi and noted snoop Kate Van Antwerp Holmes Reifsnyder. It is proof positive that the Champion of AI-X, despite a dusting of 16 inches of wind-driven snow, is in full “preparation” mode. Notice how still my lower body is.

Tiger Gets Ludacris

advice for the digital age

Errata

It has been brought to our attention that Weeds is, in fact, not a member of the exclusive AI legacy club as she apparently was not in attendance last year for
AI-XIII.
This brings to mind the AI Zen mantra:
If the AI goes on but everyone is passed out did it really happen?

Breaking News

The Apartment Invitational press office has just learned that Sean Eva "Weeds" Burke will be attending AI-XIV. Her publicist initially announced that she would be in LA during the AI and unavailable to sleep on an air mattress underneath her mother's office desk. But, it is now being reported that she has made the decision to attend her 15th consecutive AI. 15? Yes, for one year, the AI emulated Major League Baseball's 1960's debacle of having two All-Star Games by staging a 2nd AI - dubbed 2.0. After the Banquet Director threatened to castrate each participant, one by one, in their sleep,if it ever happened again, it was unanimously decided to return to the annual format.
Sean therefore remains an AI legacy. One of only five people to have attended each AI. The other four, of course, are James B. "Reef" "Rife" Reifsnyder; Kathaleen T. Marinari; Edith E. "Weedith" Horsey; and yours truly, Mitchell F. "King Dipshit" Burke.
It should be noted that Sean, a senior at the far left's darling Wesleyan University, will turn 22 years of age on Tuesday, just two days before AI-XIV. I know you will join me in congratulating her on her decision to have another birthday subsumed by the cacophony of the AI.

Penultimate Handicap Report

After finally acceding to the repeated requests (sic) of the future AI-X Champion and making the championship a net event, the AI Handicap Committee has consistently struggled to assign proper handicaps. There is one player who has an actual up-to-date USGA handicap; another player used to have one and has posted scores fairly reliably, although an entire year is missing; a third plays regularly but is too cheap to pony up the $30 to establish a true number while the fourth player has to look back to the early 1980's to come up with the requisite 20 scores.

So. So what? So this. The Committee has enlisted the help of the Bay Hill Golf Professional staff and has come up with the following handicaps for the AI-XIV field - based primarily on AI scores but with other factors added in to insure a lack of fairness and integrity in this year's competition.

Here, then, are the final handicaps for AI-XIV (with the exception of Burke, who will receive an update on 3/1):

REIFSNYDER: 24
BAUER: 23
HEIMSCH: 16
BURKE: 12

Please send all inquiries, complaints and inappropriate comments to Arnold.Palmer@bahyill.com

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