SPECIAL REPORT

The AI Breaking News Department is thrilled to report that Kathi Marinari, aka The BD, still irked at finishing second to her husband in AI-XXVII, won the Wildcat Cliffs member-member with a stellar performance alongside her partner, Mary Burke (real name). They easily won their flight and then dazzled the crowd with a thrilling team scramble par on 18 to win the flight winners' shootout.  

Here is The BD icing the victory with a birdie putt that finished inches short of the cup.  The AI congratulates the 6-time AI Champion on her victory and hopes she's satisfied

We Have....24 Hours To Go

AI FAQ

 With The AI moving 600 miles north from its long time headquarters in Orlando to its new base in Highlands, NC, The AI Planning & Logistics Committee thought it wise to provide the Stans answers to some likely questions

Q:  How do I get to Highlands?

A:  very slowly.  When you begin your ascent up the mountain you will feel relieved that you are only 15 miles away.  Do not feel relieved.  It will take you 45 minutes to traverse the 15 miles. And remember, the town is called Highlands, not 'The' Highlands, this ain't Scotland.

Q:  Is Highlands a high crime area?

A:  It can be, please see below and prepare accordingly.

Q:  What should I pack for AI-XXVII?

A:  it is important to remember that Highlands is at 4,118' and in one of the few natural rainforests in the USA.  Hence, temperatures will dip into the 50's at night and high 60's to mid-70's during the day .  The chance of rain is omnipresent and also likely. Hence, in addition to the usual bottles of Advil and Pepcid, The AI Fashion & Wardrobe Committee suggests packing layers that can be easily removed as the temperatures rise during the day and, of course, your Gore-Tex or in Jim's and Gordon's case, your large Hefty bags.

Q: Where will I stay?

A:  It depends.  All Stans under 70 will be staying at an Airbnb located across route 64 from the main entrance of Wildcat Cliffs CC in order to insure that they will be able to sleep free from the snoring, wheezing, whinging and groaning of the over 70's who will be quartered and possibly halved at the new AI-HQ at 72 Oak Point.  The upstairs guest room will house the lovebirds from Jim Thorpe while the other 3 Stans will be left to divvy up the 3 beds in the two guest rooms downstairs.  As Gordon is arriving first the selection process would seem preordained

Q: What are my accommodations like?

A:  For the upstairs Stans, there is an en suite bathroom, a TV using Apple TV, a king size bed, access to the full kitchen, pantry and drip coffee maker (that's the machine not the host). For those staying in the downstairs quarters, there is a room with a king size bed and en suite bathroom and a room with two full size beds and an en suite bathroom.  Additionally, there is a kitchenette with refrigerator and Keurig coffee machine. The lounge features a 60" TV using Apple TV, a couch, a couple of chairs, an electric piano and acoustic guitar.  Downstairs Stans will have the added benefit of getting exercise whenever they choose to join the rest of The AI (oxygen will be available upon request).

Q:  What else is included in my stay?

A:   Free wifi for all Stans.  The network is called Orlando House.  There will be a door prize for the first Stan who can guess the password with any Stan who can't guess it being endlessly shamed.  We will also be providing free parking.  Stans may validate parking at any time during their stay.

Q:  Will I be able to maintain my usual fitness regimen during my stay?

A:  Yes, all Stans will be able to maintain their usual regimens by ignoring their free access to The AI gym, pool, steam room and hot tub.

Q:  Will there be anything to eat or drink?

A:  Stans will be issued a per diem allowing them up to 5 meals and 14 drinks of their choice per day.  Should anyone require more sustenance than their allowance provides, they will be sedated and taken to the ER

Q:  Will there be gluten free, vegan and/or paleo options at meals?

A:  Fuck off

STAN the Eldest

Scientists have revised their hypothesis as to the oldest STAN.  This discovery poses serious implications for the STAN genome as it predates the STAN previously thought to be the oldest representative of the species by at least 66 million years and possibly as much as 145 million years. 

"I'll never forget the moment I came face to face with him for the first time in Colorado," Mr. Hsylop said of Stan.  "He looked even larger than I'd imagined."

Standing 13 feet high and 40 feet long, Stan casts an imposing shadow.  Over the last two decades, researchers have theorized that punctures in Stan's skull and fused neck vertebrae demonstrate that this Tyrannosaur was definitely the precursor to the modern Stan who has undergone myriad surgeries and procedures.  Scientists also estimate that the newly discovered Stan would have weighed nearly 8 tons when it was alive, more than 4 times the weight of the Stan previously thought to be the oldest representative of the species.

Stan now thought to be the oldest representative of the species

Stan previously regarded as the oldest example of the species

Continue reading the mai

The AI has Elon Musk concerned about the future of humanity

Stans,

Elon appears quite worried about future generations being rendered obsolete by the reach and power of The AI 

What have we wrought?

INVITATIONAL INVITATION

 Dear Sarcastically Inclined Stans of AI World,

It's that time again! Yes, the XXVIIth time to be exact! The Annual AI is back, and this year it's doing things a little differently.  For the first time in XXVII years, The AI will not be held in Orlando but in the verdant alpine town of Highlands, NC. Get ready to trade in your flip-flops for hiking boots and hit the scenic mountain trails while enjoying all the fun activities that come with The AI.

This year's event is the perfect opportunity for you to gather with fellow impostors who are just as passionately indifferent about all things eating and drinking, all things golf, and all things lip syncing as you are.  You'll have the chance to bounce nonsensical ideas off one another and who knows, you might even learn how to do nothing. And with XXVII years of experience in hosting this event, you can expect plenty of sarcasm, lack of wit, and occasional good times.

The AI will be held at 72 Oak Point, Highlands, NC, and will feature aimless conversations in a beautiful, scenic setting with fellow Stans who love to chat about The AI as much as you do (which is to say, not much at all).

And for all you golf enthusiasts who only play for the free snacks, we've got you covered! We'll be hitting the links at Wildcat Cliffs Country Club for several lackluster rounds of some kind of golf. Whether you're a seasoned pro (at losing) or a duffer (at life), this is your chance to show off your average skills and have an above-average time. 

But the fun doesn't stop there! Get ready to unleash your inner rockstar with our annual lip sync challenge.  Put on your best performance and lip sync to your favorite song in front of a sarcastic and unenthusiastic audience.  Who knows, you might just win the title of the most unwittingly talented lip syncer of the year!

And along with each day of aimless conversations, golfing, and/or lip syncing, there will be time to unwind and have some witless fun! We've got daily receptions lined up with food, drinks, and music that will have you dancing like a robot (but with less rhythm and more sarcasm). And to top it all off, the denouement of the weekend will be the annual sumptuous banquet and self indulgent awards ceremony, where you'll have the chance to gluttonize on a feast fit for royalty, while congratulating yourself on a job well done (or not).

The AI will take place June 8-12, 2023.  Mark your calendars and get ready to have the time of your sardonically delightful AI, golfing, and lip syncing life! Please RSVP so we can make sure there's enough for everyone (that means food, drinks, golf balls, and hair spray).

With XXVII years of experience in hosting this event, you can be sure that this year's AI will be filled with forgettable moments and plenty of absurdity. So what are you waiting for? Join us for the XXVIIth Annual AI in the beautiful rainforest of Highland, NC!

Warm regards,
STAN
Tournament Director

Director's Note:  In keeping with The AI's ongoing mission to mindlessly follow every trend and technological innovation (sic), the above was written in its entirety by...AI, specifically the recently ubiquitous ChatGPT. All questions regarding style (note the Oxford commas), content and attempts at humor should be addressed to That AI rather than The AI.

When asked 'what is your reply to the above comment," AI ChatGPT replied:

"Ha ha! I understand the irony in your comment, and I appreciate the humor. As an AI language model, I am programmed to respond to prompts and generate text based on the information and training I have received. I am glad I was able to assist with the creation of this invitation for The AI gathering. If there is anything else I can help with, feel free to ask!"