Tuesday, June 6, 2023

AI FAQ

 With The AI moving 600 miles north from its long time headquarters in Orlando to its new base in Highlands, NC, The AI Planning & Logistics Committee thought it wise to provide the Stans answers to some likely questions

Q:  How do I get to Highlands?

A:  very slowly.  When you begin your ascent up the mountain you will feel relieved that you are only 15 miles away.  Do not feel relieved.  It will take you 45 minutes to traverse the 15 miles. And remember, the town is called Highlands, not 'The' Highlands, this ain't Scotland.


Q:  Is Highlands a high crime area?

A:  It can be, please see below and prepare accordingly.


Q:  What should I pack for AI-XXVII?

A:  it is important to remember that Highlands is at 4,118' and in one of the few natural rainforests in the USA.  Hence, temperatures will dip into the 50's at night and high 60's to mid-70's during the day .  The chance of rain is omnipresent and also likely. Hence, in addition to the usual bottles of Advil and Pepcid, The AI Fashion & Wardrobe Committee suggests packing layers that can be easily removed as the temperatures rise during the day and, of course, your Gore-Tex or in Jim's and Gordon's case, your large Hefty bags.

Q: Where will I stay?

A:  It depends.  All Stans under 70 will be staying at an Airbnb located across route 64 from the main entrance of Wildcat Cliffs CC in order to insure that they will be able to sleep free from the snoring, wheezing, whinging and groaning of the over 70's who will be quartered and possibly halved at the new AI-HQ at 72 Oak Point.  The upstairs guest room will house the lovebirds from Jim Thorpe while the other 3 Stans will be left to divvy up the 3 beds in the two guest rooms downstairs.  As Gordon is arriving first the selection process would seem preordained

Q: What are my accommodations like?

A:  For the upstairs Stans, there is an en suite bathroom, a TV using Apple TV, a king size bed, access to the full kitchen, pantry and drip coffee maker (that's the machine not the host). For those staying in the downstairs quarters, there is a room with a king size bed and en suite bathroom and a room with two full size beds and an en suite bathroom.  Additionally, there is a kitchenette with refrigerator and Keurig coffee machine. The lounge features a 60" TV using Apple TV, a couch, a couple of chairs, an electric piano and acoustic guitar.  Downstairs Stans will have the added benefit of getting exercise whenever they choose to join the rest of The AI (oxygen will be available upon request).

Q:  What else is included in my stay?

A:   Free wifi for all Stans.  The network is called Orlando House.  There will be a door prize for the first Stan who can guess the password with any Stan who can't guess it being endlessly shamed.  We will also be providing free parking.  Stans may validate parking at any time during their stay.

Q:  Will I be able to maintain my usual fitness regimen during my stay?

A:  Yes, all Stans will be able to maintain their usual regimens by ignoring their free access to The AI gym, pool, steam room and hot tub.

Q:  Will there be anything to eat or drink?

A:  Stans will be issued a per diem allowing them up to 5 meals and 14 drinks of their choice per day.  Should anyone require more sustenance than their allowance provides, they will be sedated and taken to the ER

Q:  Will there be gluten free, vegan and/or paleo options at meals?

A:  Fuck off