Jimmy....Buffet?

Stans,
The AI and its participants are renowned for many things, not least of which (or possibly least of which) is their philanthropy.  There are many examples of our largesse: after leaving his reading glasses in the car, Gordon once accidentally bought a drink for a friend; Heimsch, thinking he was simply playing his 57th hole of the day, bought a drink from the beverage cart girl and only later realized that he had inadvertently purchased a raffle ticket in a charity golf tournament.  The stories of our collective and individual altruism are legion.

To wit, the Reef, whose nom de ecole is Reif (?), recently put all of us to shame when he selflessly donated his time and talents to an often overlooked cause:  raising money for the 1%.  Sure, people routinely give of themselves to help those less fortunate, but how many of us really take the time to ensure that those more fortunate stay that way?

The Importance of Stretching

All athletes, particularly golfers, and more particularly the elite participants at the AI, know well the importance of stretching prior to play.  The AI Training Staff takes the health of its players very seriously and as such has collaborated with Golf Digest to offer this training guide for the upcoming 18th iteration of the AI. 

Additionally, our research indicates use of the AI Shake Weight can enhance the benefits of this stretching regimen.  Lastly, unlike the instructor in the video, we recommend that our players be clad in either their AI bathrobe or AI sports jacket in order to gain maximum benefit from the program.

The Ides of April

April 15th, a day of reckoning; a day of postmarks; a day of writing big checks and thinking that one part of the Republican platform suddenly seems to make a lot of sense - you know, the one where everyone gets to keep all of their money because corporations will do the right thing and take care of everything for us if we just leave them alone; a day of deductions and receipts; or, as Wesley Snipes calls it "the day before April 16th"

and....the day of the latest GHIN handicap revision.  For the first time in recent AI history we have a new name at the top of the list.  Yes, Paze's program of spending 6 weeks in Florida taking lessons and revamping his swing after 50+ years has paid great dividends already:  an increase of 4 strokes to his Index, proving once again that practice doesn't necessarily make perfect.

Meanwhile, Gordon continues to play on a pitch and putt course so he can break 90; Heimsch is sporting a new eye ball and awaiting another one; Burke and Marinari try to fit in as much early evening golf as they can before the onslaught of the inevitable heat; while excessive viewing of the Premier League has Reef wearing a beanie and a scarf and speaking in a Liverpool accent to the consternation of his students

Here are the numbers as of today's revision:

                                 INDEX         BAY HILL (yellow tees)
BURKE:                      8.9                11
PAZE:                        10.1               12
HEIMSCH:                11.7                14
GORDON:                 15.2                18
MARINARI:              34.5                39  (white tees)

Handicap Update

Like disgraced Presidential candidate John Edwards' two Americas, we seem to be heading for two AI's.  Given the recent handicap revision posted on Saturday, this reporter has one more reason to be relieved that AI-XVIII has been shifted to the heat and humidity of late June.  On a related note, the Handicap Committee is examining the resume of a Mr. Snowden for a possible position examining the security of score posting on the GHIN system.

As of March 1, 2014

                       Index/ BH Hcp from Yellow Tees

PAZE:           6.6 / 8
BURKE:       7.9 / 9
HEIMSCH:  12.8 / 15
GORDON:   15.5 / 18

Handicapped

From the When Pigs Fly Department, for the first time in AI history, all players have official GHIN handicaps!  For years, Gordon could only guess; Heimsch would post with the frequency of a 7-year locust; Paze always posts, but his handicap either doesn't travel well or he was as out of golf shape as he is out of shape generally; while Burke posts everything, but typically needs a hang over adjustment.  But, with the onset of the summer AI, Gordon's entry into the GHIN system and Heimsch's return to posting, we may actually have some usable data for AI-XVIII.

Herewith the current Indexes for the players:

Paze:  6.6
Burke:  9.3
Heimsch:  10
Gordon:  15.1

Translated into yellow tees at Bay Hill:

Paze:  8
Burke:  11
Heimsch:  12
Gordon: 18

Several players may opt to play from the Red Tees or the Combo Tees.  Adjustments for that can be made - typically 3-4 shots deducted for the Reds and 1-2 shots for the Combos.

Endangered Stans

The time for action is now - once they're gone, they're gone! We have all seen the remarkable outcome when  human beings  (except for most human beings) realize that we are about to wipe another species off the face of the earth and beat the world wide web drum to save it so our grandchildren can experience it. As we know from politicians and the national debt, Americans are obsessed with protecting our grandchildren; at least until they're born, then screw 'em, they're on their own.

But I digress. Herewith, a news item from Reuters worthy of our immediate attention; clearly a cause that needs a champion. An AI Champion.  Or possibly a village.  A village of idiots.  We must act!

Kazakhstan Name Change? President Nursultan Nazarbayev Considers Dropping The 'Stan'

ALMATY, Feb. 7 (Reuters) - President Nursultan Nazarbayev may drop the 'stan' from Kazakhstan to distinguish his booming oil-rich nation from the rest of Central Asia, where the other so-called stans are mostly mired in poverty.

"In our country's name, there is this 'stan' ending which other Central Asian nations have as well.  But, for instance, foreigners show interest in Mongolia, whose popoulation is just two million people, but whose name lacks the 'stan' ending," Nazarbayev's press service quoted him as saying.

THE TIME FOR ACTION IS NOW.   PLEASE HELP SAVE THE STANS

Your Putts

whaddya know? a post in September.  As the earth's orbit gradually tilts the northern hemisphere away from the sun and the days grow shorter (an oxymoron if I ever heard one) along with our memories, we turn our attention to............putting.  Putting.  Possibly the most vexing element of an already vexing game.  The part of the game that threatened to drive the Reef from the game before he was old enough to be a Bar Mitzvah and that ultimately resulted in him, and later Heimsch, having putters so long that...that...that, er, they wouldn't fit in their bags.  Needed bigger bags. 

As we know, the AI is the proud initiator of many variations to the Official Rules of Golf, the first and most important of which is to ignore them.  In that spirit, we present this tip for when your putts just don't seem to have a way to get to the hole.