AI Adds Estate Planning Benefit

At a time when many if not most companies have been forced to dramatically slash budgets and employee benefits The AI Human Resources Department has unveiled its latest innovation. With the addition of this benefit, The AI again demonstrates its concern for the welfare of its players. So, while NBA players are forced to hock their ping pong ball size diamond stud earrings to pay the lease payments on their Bentleys, AI players can be serene in the knowledge that their eternal tee times have been made.

 

AI Committee Extends Invitation

Based on his recent performance in the Australian Open and his current ranking as # 660 in the world and dropping like Rick Perry's chances in the GOP primary, the Apartment Invitational Competition Committee has voted unanimously to extend an invitation for AI-XVI to John Daly.

When contacted by the media, Gordon said (and I quote): "Definitely invite him. It might relieve me of holding the AI record for most strokes on a hole."

Donald Trump Outs AI-X Champion

Donald Trump, noted cultural scholar and hair avatar, has poured fuel on the smoldering fire started with the release of 'Slackoff Mountain' at AI-X. Has The Donald, in a recent pathetic palaver, insinuated that our own James B. Reifsnyder may be implying more than the yips in packing a long putter in his bag. To wit,in a marginally insane attempt at explaining his position on gay marriage, Trump took to using a golf analogy:

“It’s like in golf,” he said. “A lot of people — I don’t want this to sound trivial [sic]— but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive,” said Mr. Trump. “It’s weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they can’t sink three-footers anymore. And, I hate it. I am a traditionalist. I have so many fabulous [sic] friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist.”

OK, where to start? Trump saying "I don’t want this to sound trivial" is akin to the Pope saying "I don't want this to sound Catholic." We can all also take solace knowing that "(he is) a traditionalist." Hence, the multiple wives common to the traditions of Arabic sultans, Mormon bigamists & Mickey Rooney. Or like George Wallace was regarding the sanctity of a college education.

However, the outright attack on our now retired colleague, erstwhile wielder of the long putter & AI-X Champion, is an outrage that must not be ignored regardless of whatever subliminal message Jim was or was not trying to send or not send via his (long) putter. For other examples of messaging laden with symbols involving elongated instruments, see 'Weiner, Anthony'

I Think I'm Turning Japanese

Are some AI activities starting to show their age (unlike we ageless practitioners of implausible deniability)? The AI Recreation Committee (not to be confused with the AI Ethical & Standard Practices Committee)is always on the lookout for new and exciting activities to titillate our group. And who's not up for a little titillation every now & then?

So, in the first of what will probably be an unfulfilled series of potential activities for AI-XVI, we present:

Day 4

Everyone is gone, and the sky is gray. Not really, it's actually black, but that's just because it's night. So far we have found 3 of Rich's jackets: 1 in the Prius and 2 in the BMW. This shatters the old AI jacket record of zero. This has also spurred us to appoint an ad hoc committee to study this situation and make recommendations for AI-XVI. We have named the committee No Jacket Left Behind.

Well, there's no sense trying to describe Days 3 & 4 because, firstly, everyone (except Kate) was here and already knows what happened and secondly, because even though I was here, I don't remember anything. But, one thing we all know is that Wally won. Yay for Wally! He is worried that his victory may disqualify him from future AI activity.

I am gradually decompressing. I should be OK by mid-June. Hopefully for Flag Day, now that I have a flag.

Day 2

Today we played some games. First, we played golf. Me & Gordon beat the hell out of Rich & Wally 5&3 in the 4 Ball game. They call it 4 ball not because Gordon sometimes uses 4 balls on one hole, but because the Scots came up with weird names for all these games; like, they call alternate shot something like foursomes, which would make some kind of sense if there were 2 guys and 2 women, but otherwise what the hell is that supposed to mean?

Then we went bowling. And guess what?? Jim & Edie won. That's the 6th time for Jim and the 7th for Edie. They both played really well in the 2nd game. Jim especially liked it when they turned the lights out, lit up the pins and started playing Katy Perry videos on the screen where they had been showing our scores.

Now we're going to bed. We are looking forward to Day 3. The weather is going to be fucking fantastic and the food is going to be better. Plus, we're going to play some golf.

Here are some photos.

Day 2 - 1 more look back

Yes, the 2nd day and the 1st full day of AI-XV has come to a conclusion much to the dismay of everyone except the Reef who is anxious to get to his mattress in the home office. We will talk a little about the competition in tomorrow's blog, but for tonight, let's finish our look back at AI-VI - 2002 with this final profile.

XV Eve

I am please to report that I was able to take out the garbage tonight without impaling my left hand with a broken wine glass.
Our next installment of the redoubtable AI Sports Century from AI-VI takes a careful look at the life and times of JB Reifsnyder. Sadly, he is living in a cabin in the mountains that has no access to the internet or even telephone. The FBI is investigating the suspicious resemblance to Ted Kaczynski.
You can also check the website for the latest schedule changes. http://web.mac.com/mitchburke/iWeb/Site%202/The%20Apartment%20Invitational.html
Final handicaps will be issued tomorrow evening.

See you tomorrow!

AI Sports Century - Paze

In our second installment, 48 hours before Wally returns to AI action, we take a look back at his AI Sports Century Profile from AI-VI in 2002.

AI Sports Century - A Look Back

Well, there are about 72 hours until everyone save Gordon assembles at AI HQ for the onset of AI-XV. Due to my fanatical work ethic and innate talent for planning ahead, I have almost nothing left to prepare except the hot tub, pool, bedrooms, AI videos, songs, tournament schedules, flags, posters and paraphernalia. At least I got the tee times. Wait, did I? Is it this weekend?

In the remaining hours, the AI staff thought it might be humorless to take a look back at the first AI video: AI Sports Century, starring 14 year old Sean Burke along with her oddly attired parents. AI Productions has learned a few things in the intervening years, but we still have a soft spot for our first video absurdity.

First up, "AI Sports Century: Gordon" We'll post one tomorrow night and one on AI-XV eve to complete the carnage. We hope you enjoy the stroll down our warped memory lane.

AI Fit

In less than two weeks, we will convene AI-XV. As Gordon has repeatedly said over the years, "who am I and why I am I here?" He also has stressed that the AI is more than golf, more than a game, it is a test of endurance, an event that demands one be in peak physical condition in order to successfully compete. Ask Reefer what a slight deviation in preparation can do to one's ability to perform at the level necessary to corral the coveted championship. There is a big difference between fit and AI fit. A fine line between kidding oneself that one is ready for the unrelenting pressure and actually being ready. And we're not just talking about golf here. This is an event that demands much from its attendees, which brings to mind the AI creed: "from whom much is demanded, little is ever actually produced."

To that end, the AI steering committee, sometimes confused with the steerage committee, has undertaken to insure that all attendees, regardless of gender, purpose, or wardrobe, are in the requisite condition to participate fully in AI-XV. Thus, and ergo, we have worked tirelessly with the finest trainers in the world to provide a conditioning program that will insure that everyone has the tool they need to prepare properly.

We know that most participants have been diligently following a rigorous regimen as they ready themselves for what can only be described as 4 grueling days. For those disciplined individuals we say 'bravo' and hope that the attached will be the final touch you need to get you to the mountain top. For those who may have put their program off (who could be so disorganized?) we cannot stress enough the importance of following this AI sanctioned physical fitness program in the short time remaining.

We have tailored the program specifically to help both men (first demonstration) and women (2nd demonstration).

Godspeed, John Glenn.

To wit:

I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling

As those who follow the ramblings on the AI Blog know, bowling is my life; if you call this living. As clearly the worst bowler in the history of Bowling For Sotweeds, if not in the history of bowling (perhaps Reef could add such a course to his departmental offerings: "The History of Bowling: Why? No, Really, Why?) my attitude toward this 'sport' has become somewhat, shall we say, cynical, nay, dismissive, or some might say, jealously cloying.
Thus, I have embarked on a mission to improve my technique. This quest, as demonstrated by the inanest award in sport (the Comeback Player of the Year), is predicated on first being an abject failure. Part One - Success!! For Part Two, I had wanted to meet the only two bowlers I ever knew: Andy Varipapa and, oh, you know, that other guy who used to be on ABC with Chris Schenkel and a seemingly autonomous hand with a giant marker filling in the scores with perfect penmanship. But, they're all dead. So it goes.

I thus put myself in the hands of this modern day bowling savant; there are two words that have never been uttered in sequence before. If I had a father like this kid, I would have been great, too. Soon I will love bowling. Or maybe not.

Stan IS the Man

Looking dapper in his Apartment Invitational Blazer (although his has obviously washed too much as it is a bit lighter than when new), our muse, STAN, received the Presidential Medal of Freedom this week. Now we wait, as it is certainly only a matter of time until the rest of the AI joins Stan in this elite club. Or, we could simply claim joint ownership of the award as fellow Stans.

Stansian Economics

The economic crisis that began with the unraveling of Bear Stearns in the spring of 2008 and continued with the stunning, nearly paralyzing failure of Lehman Brothers 6 months later, an investment bank that dated back to 1850, transformed everyone in the industrialized world into amateur, albeit expert, economists. Suddenly we learned new words like credit default swap and mortgage tranche and why they led the world's credit markets to seize up like Reef's back at the AI. Everyone knew they should have had their retirement money somewhere else when the DJIA was at 6,547 in March of 2009 and should have sold their house before we found out that it was worth 50% of what it used to be 'worth' a couple of weeks earlier. Then we forgot about it, because Obama is a socialist Kenyan who wants to take our guns away and have sex with our wives or even gay sex with our husbands. Plus, he's half black, which is a minimum of 50% too much.

Everyone was freaked out that George W. Bush's term of near genius economic management was coming to an end and Barack Obama, the radical, Commie, Muslim whose parents, during the year and a half they were married, devised a cunning plan upon his birth to make him President 47 years later. Yes, the Stepford Manchurian candidate baby Obama was going to be President. So everyone got fired. Something like 8 million fucking people lost their jobs just because their companies were panicked that Obama or that pants-suited bitch on wheels, Hilary, was coming into office and was going to change all the great economic policies that W had instituted and might pull the plug on those really fun wars, force health insurance companies to insure sick people or insist that research be conducted by actual scientists instead of Christian 'scientists.'

Anyway, fun times. However, as always, the bulwark AI maintained its fierce sense of community and altruistic bent throughout this and the ensuing terrible time of stimulus and common sense. Our charitable work with the Peyronie's Institute has been well documented, but not many are aware of the public relations campaign we have mounted to help restore economic dignity and good old fashioned easy credit to the American people. Jobs, salaries, no taxes, more services, shopping and great credit scores. We are bull-shittish on America.

What is the Internet?

I don't want to name names (Gordon, Reef, Paze), but the AI is not only, like patriotism, a last refuge of scoundrels but also a gathering place for the technologically inept. Until recently, nearly half the field did not own a cell phone. One player was forced to return his iPhone because he could not get it to work. It bears noting that this player has a Ph.D. Others are infamously incapable of visiting a blog or surfing the web while the idea of communicating via Twitter or Facebook is as unlikely as the idea of conquering Everest. Not Mt. Everest. Everest Kuenhackel - world Chutes & Ladders champion.

The attached video depicts the former cast of NBC's Today Show reenacting a typical conversation at the AI.

Happy New Year

THE APARTMENT INVITATIONAL LOOKS BACK AT 2010

Nothing says Xmas Xtasy, Chanukah Chazerai, Kwanzaa Kwazyness or God, I Hate New Year’s Eve quite like the unsolicited, nearly intolerable annual letter detailing the meanderingly mundane year of a friend or relative who writes with the aplomb of a GED dropout and of whom you hadn’t give a thought since their last monotonous missive. We are rarely amused. Fine, your child was paroled, your ferret learned to play “Nearer My God to Thee” on the xylophone and you had your grandmother euthanized, mummified and put on display in your den with your favorite book: "Bathroom Habits of Early Native Americans." WGAS?

Then again…. It is the New Year and everyone wants to celebrate the best & worst of the year gone by, so screw it. Suffer.

The AI is, as any major organization is, meticulously protective of its image, or as the marketers currently prefer, its ‘brand.’ Day upon day, year upon year, the AI showcases the finest America can offer – a college professor whose college is still called "New" year after year, a teacher of history who can only continually repeat the past, a retired math teacher who inexplicably continues to teach, a gadabout, a business tycoon without portfolio, several small children and the world's most tolerant woman – as role models (we do not shrink from the responsibility) for those who look to us for guidance, leadership and the car keys.


IT’S ALIVE

2010 began in January, to almost no one’s surprise, and with it the AI began to stir from its nearly 9 month torpor following the annual 4 day stupor. AI-XIV was alive, like a first term fetus. Teens put away their meth, clowns frowned, Glenn Beck and John Boehner shed a tear, John McCain came out against it, Sarah Palin shot an elk (multiple times), Tiger Woods had breakfast at Perkins and sent Brett Favre a text, Nancy Pelosi tried to smile, Mel Gibson burned a Torah, Lindsay Lohan entered/left rehab, Rex Ryan washed his wife’s feet, Charlie Rangel withheld taxes and Oprah gave out copies of “AI-OCD” to her audience.


THE BUILD UP

As usual, I meticulously planned for the big day by conscientiously assigning the work to be done to others. Creativity cannot be burdened by responsibility. There would, of course, be plenty of time to accomplish everything on the AI-XIV wish list in the intervening 2.5 months. That’s 10 weekends; 75 days; 1800 hours. How long could this shit take? Like the previous XIII tournaments this one would be a paragon of efficiency and planning.

If there were rewards in life for being ‘almost done,’ I would be among the planet’s most decorated persons.

Evenings, weekends and most importantly, work hours, were turned over to AI-XIV preparation. This is Kathi’s favorite time of the year: My ‘months of solitude' period. The crack staff at the ODM empire also appreciates their annual opportunity to doctor photographs, create puzzling, if not, troubling signs, and deface awards. They particularly enjoy it when I email them at home with my latest brainstorm.

I pulled the cover off the hot tub for the first time in nearly a year to make sure that nothing was living in it. Then I took the funny colored water out and replaced it with something more resembling a liquid.

It is during this period that the four blockheads of granite begin to pepper one another with witty emails. Several of us have even mastered the intricacies of the text message, tweeting and blogging, while others continue to stare at their VCRs wondering why it’s always 12:00.

Let’s take a stroll down e-memory lane:

1/29: Heimsch reports on his conditioning
I realize I've been on the Seefood/Eat to Win diet since Nick's wedding, but nonetheless...I did not expect to enter AI XIV 15 lbs heavier than John Daly...

2/5: Reef tries to inspire Gordon, his 4-Ball Partner
Dear “Pardner”:
The last time I played it was with Mitch, in July of 2009, at a Billy-Goat course in the Poconos, aptly dubbed “Hideaway Hills”. After an excruciatingly long round—behind, as it turned out, a busload of cretinous seniors—we finished up on 18 less than a minute before a colossal cloud-burst and, relieved, I turned to Mitch and said, “Good timing: I wanted to play so badly today” He said, simply, “You did.”
James B.

2/10: Here Gordon strays from golf to explain my ineptitude at the keyboard:
But seriously folks, let’s take a look at some of the great jazz pianists:
Oscar Peterson—Fat
Art Tatum—Fat
Fats Waller—surprisingly, Fat
What do they have in common? The problem Mitch is that you are not fat enough.
Stan

Reef agrees:
The late great Richard Tee, also, never met a meal he didn’t like.



2/10: Reef prepares for his annual 3 rounds of golf
12” of new snow and counting…supposed to keep this up until past midnight. Driving ranges are closed indefinitely, so I am creating some domestic tension by, occasionally, hitting a few dozen six-irons in the living room.

2/15: Gordon & Reef plot their 4 Ball Strategy
Hey Partner,
I am continuing on our program of lulling our opponents into a false sense of security by shooting 100 in my most recent round. I shot a round of 88 just before Christmas. Each round since then has been worse then the previous one. I should be shooting in the 190s by the AI. The only hope for my game may be the Tiger solution—mistresses.
I hope you are getting lots of practice, with golf, that is. I am thinking that 5 ft of snow should minimize excess motion in your swing.
We should be unstoppable, maybe not very good, but unstoppable.
It will be an honor to play with the AI record holder for longest drive in competition. As I recall it was about 375 yds—about 100 yds longer than the previous record.
-Gordon

Gordon:
Ah yes, the AI’s Longest Drive, a sure-fire sign that statistics are like loose women: you can do anything you want with ‘em. It was exactly the same swing and finish I put on the tee shot that severely wounded the winged creature on #4 at Bay Hill the year before. Only difference with the award winner was the inescapable fact that the hole was as steep as a 90 meter ski jump and bent sharply to the left to accommodate my screaming snap hook.
Regarding an AI practice regimen, have no fear: casting a defiant middle-finger to a whitened outside world, I have begun to get ready (risking domestic peace) by hitting six-irons into the sofa in the living room. I have, on a few occasions actually hit the sofa. More importantly though, I have begun to do two additional things to ready myself for AI-XIV: driving past bowling alleys and saying, maybe I should roll a few games in preparation to defend my title; and slowly but surely building up my tolerance for red wine so that I don’t spend the three hours of warm-up time at Bay Hill barfing into Arnie’s geraniums.
Bring serious drugs,
-James B.

2/19: Heimsch laments the number of holes that must be played
We should have a side competition…best 15 holes.

& looks for ways to torture Reef
I also have been trying to think of some ways to enlarge…(or belabor, from Reif’s point of view) the Lack of Skills. I watched the NBC show again this year and loved it…



2/20: Gordon calculates his handicap
...So you might consider this a 16 handicap. The course rating is 71.3 and the slope is 120. Of course this is a little deceptive because my scores go up disproportionately on difficult courses. So, for example, I am about a 40 handicap at Bay Hill.

3/3: Gordon gets a lesson
Stan,
I was at the driving range at lunchtime for my final pre-AI warm-up. The pro, someone I do not know and have never seen before, either took pity on me or was so tortured by my atrocious swing, that she came over to offer me a tip. I like to think that she was attracted by my paunchy virility, if so she hid it well. She actually said that she heard my shots and felt compelled to do something to correct my swing. I would like to think that this was code, but in fact, I think the sound of my contact with the ball was like finger nails on a chalk board for her.



And that takes us to…..
THE EVENT ITS OWN SELF

Heimsch is the first to arrive &, this year, the only one to arrive by air. Upon his arrival, I immediately took him to Costco the Battery Store and a mid-afternoon showing of "Tora, Tora, Tora" thus removing him from his AI comfort zone: talking about golf, watching golf, going to the range, making a visit to the local club fitter &/or browsing Edwin Watts. When we arrived at AI HQ, Reef & Kate were parked in the driveway having just arrived after completing their retracing of Sherman's March in a Toyota Avalon with Hack (the dog), occupying the back seat. They chose not to follow Mitt Romney's method of traveling with a dog and didn’t strap a crate housing Hack on the roof of the car. It was, however, suggested that perhaps Reef make the trip in that position.

Hack thus became the sixth dog to attend the AI and although no dog has ever played, many have played like dogs. We drank, we ate chicken and lentils, we walked the dogs, we drank some more, we played with the dogs and then we drank some more and after taking the dogs out, we went to bed.

I love the first morning. No one's head hurts or anything like that. We did some yoga and ate some pills and like everything was fine and all but then we had to play golf. We piled into the Official Car and we even had Heimsch's shoes and golf balls with us this time and when he got to Falcon’s Fire, Gordon had somehow managed to arrive at precisely the same moment. That turned out to be the most coordinated thing that happened all day. We were like 6 over par on the really easy first hole and that's how we knew the tournament was underway and the hours of planning, practicing and visualization met with the harsh reality of playing. It's like the difference between what I know I look like and what pictures of me make me look like. I don't know why pictures of me always make me look so weird. Plus, the cognitive dissonance of having to root for one’s partner who, in 24 hours, will be one’s mortal adversary, takes its toll on the players except for the socialist social sciences professor Dr. Bauer who thrives with the help of the village.

Me and Heimsch were really nice to Gordon & Reef and lost to them again; but, we didn't mind because that's how we were raised. Then we headed back to HQ paired in the traditional manner, which this year coincided with the pairings on the course. What it is that Gordon & Reef discuss each year on their ride home from the 4-Ball has never been revealed, although my speculation is that the conversation is centered, a la Hansel & Gretel, simply on finding their way back to HQ.

We arrived back at AI-HQ to the sound of one hand clapping. No one even wanted to hear what happened to each one of us on each shot. We couldn't believe the people were so mean, so we splashed some water on our faces, along with some wine, beer & bourbon & moved out for the traditional night out of dinner &, of course, Bowling for Sotweeds. This year’s restaurant, Texas de Brazil, featured waiters roaming the room with meat. It also had a large salad bar comprised primarily of meat. The wine was a special meritage of malbec, cabernet and meat. The chairs and table were made of meat as were the napkins and silverware. The waiters were dressed as different cuts of meat. Everyone had fun with their meat.

Bowling for Sotweeds was boring. Reef & the Weedith won again. Big fucking deal. Bowling is stupid. No one cares about bowling. Anyone can go bowling, even really little kids. Bowling sucks. Osama Bin Laden likes bowling. Then we went home and tried to stay awake, but bowling had made everyone really tired from being so bored because it's so stupid. So, we went to sleep. Even the dogs think bowling is dumb. Me? My bowling score was about the same as my golf score.

On SATURDAY we played golf again. Round 1. This time everyone had to finish every hole. That always makes for fun times. Sometimes it took like forever to get the ball into the hole. The best part is all the laughter. You know those bromance beer commercials where a bunch of sexually repressed guys get together and do guy stuff and someone says ‘it doesn’t get any better than this?’ – this wasn’t like that. More like the exact opposite: where guys, your friends, are laughing AT you, not WITH you. Some of the shots were really cool though, and we always get to see obscure and interesting parts of the golf course and even places that aren’t actually on the golf course – like swimming pools, driveways, patios, lawn furniture and stuff like that. Someone was winning but we couldn’t tell who it was because no one can understand the scoreboard that I carry around in the cart.

After golf, we played more golf. Heimsch loves the Skills Competition that NBC shows every winter on a Tuesday at 3:15am right before reruns of ‘Locked Up: Midgets in Jail’
He loves it so much that he suggested a new structure for the AI’s annual (Lack of) Skills competition that would increase the amount of events and shots so that we would be at Bay Hill from dawn to dusk. Reef contemplated performing a self-vasectomy hoping that would allow him to leave early. The final results showed that Gordon had won, so you know it must have been fucked up.

Then the people at Bay Hill told us to go home. The Banquet Director made us eat Italian food again this year. Where she comes from, people call the tomato sauce ‘gravy.’ That’s weird. Nobody really likes it that much – but we like her so we pretend real well by eating until everything is gone and then licking the plates so that we don’t have to put them into the dishwasher.

Then I forced everyone to watch videos that I made, like ‘High Hopes’ – a parable of the American Dream on crystal meth. We also watched the uncut video from AI-XIII. Everyone really likes that, except for when they’re not in it, then they get bored. Then we watched Bruce Springsteen really loud because Heimsch was tired and can’t sleep if it’s quiet.

Everyone bolted awake on SUNDAY and enjoyed a traditional AI breakfast of Advil omelets. Gladys came over with her massage chair and tried to find any muscles to massage. The hard part was getting people to get out of her chair. At that point, had it been put to a vote, a round of Bloody Marys and more massage would have trounced the scheduled second round of the AI. But, since the AI is an oligarchy, there was no vote. The players were anxious to get to the slaughter known as Round 2. The Final Round. Reef was feeling particularly chipper that day. The 1200 mile drive had rendered him akin to the Tin Man after the rain. He was sore. He was stiff. Not the good stiff. The kind of stiff where you think you might actually break in two if you move in the wrong way. Like playing golf. Especially like playing golf if you never play golf. Even though you're the fucking golf coach at a prestigious boarding school and people sort of think you maybe should actually occasionally play golf. But, as he was only 12 shots out of the lead, he, inspired by his boyhood hero General Custer, tried to mount a charge. He couldn't. He finally succumbed to the painful reality and became the second player in AI history to leave the competition after 27 holes. Sensing a familiar opening, Gordon immediately declared himself the champion.

We go on. With the Reef relegated to AI videographer and pundit, the remaining 3 players found themselves separated by a mere 2 shots with the final 9 holes looming like the grim reaper. Reef took to the video camera like a pelican to oil. After like an hour or so of witty narration and player interviews, he confidently said, "This is easy. It's really helpful that the red light comes on when the camera is off." So we have some interesting verité footage of the floor of the cart and of the grass with a soundtrack that evokes an electric lawn mower randomly turning on & off while people chat incoherently in the background. But, Reef was in real pain and plus he kind of felt bad about his golf and having to quit and everything and I didn't really want to make him feel any worse so I made believe I thought it was funny and then I made him get out of the cart.

Meanwhile, we kept playing golf. I think Gordon got confused and thought we were playing a variation of craps, because he kept making 7's and saying 'shit' which I thought meant 'crap.' I kept laughing 'cause I thought he was trying to be funny but he wasn't. Heimsch was walking around pacing off distances and standing still trying to guess how hard the wind was blowing and then I thought maybe he holding his breath or something because his face was getting really red but it was just because he doesn't like to wear hats or sunscreen. Anyway, we finally finished and I won. Everyone rejoiced and congratulated me. Well, they should have if they were good sports. But they're not. Instead of an interview, Reef took some video of his shoes while Gordon removed his neck brace, back brace, shoulder harness, knee brace and arch supports. Then we got in the car to go home, but we couldn't because Rich was in the Pro Shop buying more golf shirts.

But eventually we left for….

THE BANQUET

When we got back to HQ, there was a commotion at the door as we were greeted in rapturous fashion. By 3 dogs. The people were in the kitchen and outside and they finally noticed that we were back but they didn't really seem to care that much. Reef had a Maker's Mark. Then he had another one. He says they're really good as a Vicodin chaser. He was in a lot of pain. Then he felt better. Kate was proud that he made the courageous decision to put his health first and withdraw even though the easy thing to do would have been to give into the peer pressure & keep playing. Me and the other 2 guys told him how much we respected him, too.

Then we told everyone else how we're really much better players than they would think from looking at the scores and everything and how if we could just stop getting all these lousy breaks and didn't have so much else to do and could practice that we could all just relax and enjoy the game; but, someone said that the premise was wrong. So we had the Awards Ceremony where we recorded each other saying stuff that sounds really funny and witty and it's a really good thing we never watch it when we're sober because then we might not think so and that would be disappointing. And life is full of disappointment and so the AI is predicated on the opposite of disappointment which I guess is appointment.

Our next appointment was eating. Yay. Everyone loves eating, especially the eating we do at the Banquet where this year Kathi used the Sous Vide, which is like a small French hot tub for cooking meat vacuum sealed in plastic to make the best paella ever. She worked really hard on the Banquet again this year and we were thankful. Not reflective, sentimental thankful. Gorging, gluttonous thankful. It's always fun to see how fast we can devour what took weeks to prepare. We did so good this year. Nora made a cake. We ate that, too. We also drank some bottles of wine. It was so much fun that I hardly even got that feeling I get when I start to realize the AI is almost over.

But it was. But first, or last, I made everyone listen to the AI 'songs' again and Edie even woke up when she heard Tony and her in the last one. Then everyone was thankful again - that it was over. But it wasn't. I showed them the movie that Kathi & I made about a fictional character who is obsessed with the AI and can't stop thinking about it and might actually be borderline sicko and should probably seek some guidance. We couldn't decide who should play that character, Kathi or me, but I said I would do it because that would be a good surprise for everyone. It worked! Then we watched some more music videos really loud, but Kathi and Sean said I wasn't allowed to show Brian Wilson again, no matter how drunk I got. So we watched Bruce & Billy and other old guys instead. Then we all went to sleep, or whatever you call that when you can't keep your eyes open and are sleeping on furniture that's not a bed. I just thought of something that's weird: we sleep in a bed but on a couch. Unless it's Heimsch, he actually sleeps in a couch.

Then it was…
THE END OF AI-XIV

Gordon drove off early to teach a class. That must be a fun class for the students. Jim was so happy because he & Kate & Hack got to get back in the Avalon for the drive home. It's hard to find that kind of quality family time these days, but kudos to them for making the hard choices. I dropped Rich at the airport and, just like that, it was gone. Except for the 29 posters, 3 banners, 614 AiPads, 234 coasters, 312 paper plates, 291 napkins and the underwear that Conner had stolen over the course of the 4 days. Kathi and I started dragging all the stuff out to the garage or tucked it away somewhere and gradually the house returned to its normal condition: food, boxes of wine and copies of the NY Times.

Emails flew furiously for a week or so and then gradually tapered off to where entire messages didn't mention the AI. That's sad.

So it was time for the…

REST OF THE YEAR

Kathi and I killed some time by going to the Masters and watching Tiger pretend everything was normal. We watched some TV. We went to NYC and ate. Then we drove to San Antonio in Sean's Honda Civic because we were inspired by the example set by Kate & Jim. We need better examples. Sean lives in Texas now. So does Heimsch. Texas is pretty big though, so they never see each other walking around or anything. Later in the summer we went to Montana where Kathi began to get hooked on golf. The Mets didn't win the World Series - again. Christ, what a pain in the ass it is to root for that bunch of losers. We went to NYC again and ate some more. Then it was time for Thanksgiving which is fun because we can eat. Once Thanksgiving comes you know you're only 50 or 60 college football bowl games away from Christmas and New Year's. Those are fun holidays, too. Especially Christmas, because we like to celebrate by eating a lot.

Anyway, that's pretty much what happened. I thought you'd want to know. This is so interesting, talking about me and sharing it with all of you. If you want to spend more time rehashing the year with me you can see pictures here:
http://tinyurl.com/6eq3cpa

I hope this finds you all well. In fact, considering who's on the mailing list, I hope it finds you at all.