Your Putts

whaddya know? a post in September.  As the earth's orbit gradually tilts the northern hemisphere away from the sun and the days grow shorter (an oxymoron if I ever heard one) along with our memories, we turn our attention to............putting.  Putting.  Possibly the most vexing element of an already vexing game.  The part of the game that threatened to drive the Reef from the game before he was old enough to be a Bar Mitzvah and that ultimately resulted in him, and later Heimsch, having putters so long that...that...that, er, they wouldn't fit in their bags.  Needed bigger bags. 

As we know, the AI is the proud initiator of many variations to the Official Rules of Golf, the first and most important of which is to ignore them.  In that spirit, we present this tip for when your putts just don't seem to have a way to get to the hole.

RECAP

As AI-XVII recedes into our declining, sleep-deprived memories, we glance back at what was, again, one of the great weekends of the year (at least for those of us here at AI HQ).  What began with a group pick-up at the Orlando International Airport last Thursday afternoon came to an end with the last trip to the same Airport this afternoon to deposit the newly crowned Champion; although we did briefly ponder the idea of attaching him to a vodka drip, propping him up in the closet of the back room swathed in his new hoodie and clutching his chunk of crystal until AI-XVIII.

The food, drink and companionship were beyond expectation, as usual.  Participants came from far & wide and also from PA, NJ, FL & TX, including the maiden visit of Kate Gundersen who will be in therapy for the remainder of the spring term.  Did we order enough sides on Friday night at Cask & Larder?  Will we get the private room with the entire suckling pig next year?  Wally ate everything - including crabcakes (never ate crab before); poussin (not to be confused with poisson or worse, putain); beer that wasn't Coors Light; and for good reason - it was all phenomenal.  An incredible effort by the Banquet Staff headed by Nora & Kathi with much help from Tony and the youthful triumvirate Sean, Kate & Emma along with a bravura performance on the clean-up end from Cleo.

The golf and bowling?  Not so much.  It was fitting that the bowling alley went on with their 'disco bowling' notwithstanding the mere 5 lanes in use - 2 by the AI.  Jim and Edie continued their hegemony over Bowling For Sotweeds, though Jim was pushed to make a spare in his final frame to avoid the ignominy of losing said game to Burke while Edie fended off a furious charge by Nora who more than doubled her first game score.  The golf tournament was perhaps the most pathetic display of golf in the storied and somnolent history of that game/sport; and by that I don't mean the history of the AI - I mean the history of the entire sport.  We (mostly The Director) left caddies gasping for air in fits of laughter at the wild flailing that occurred on the pastoral 18 at Bay Hill. 

The 4-Ball was won by Gordon (of course!) & Paze; Lack of Skills went to Burke by a mere half point over Reef who was so encouraged by his performance and simultaneously dumbstruck by the futility of the other players that he is considering applying for reinstatement to The Committee; and, finally, the AI Championship went to Heimsch who overcame a 5 shot deficit with 7 holes to play and won by a shot over the Director, aka Stan van de Velde, with Gordon another 3 shots back and Paze occupying a very sandy basement.  To provide an idea of the ineptitude of the field, the winning score was easily the highest in AI history and would have been the last place score in AI-VIII, AI-IX, AI-XI, AI-XIII, AI-XIV & AI-XV.  That said, we congratulate Heimsch on his 5th title - he is a fine champion and has contributed as much or more than anyone to the lack of prestige of the AI.

Heimsch is pictured here trying to raise money to get home by selling AI-XVII tees after losing his luggage on the 15 yard walk between the car and the curbside check-in.

So, the AI clothing is hung in the guest rooms awaiting the return of its wearers;  the posters, welcome mats, chairs and other paraphernalia are all stowed in the garage where the garage door at AI-HQ busted a spring and crashed down onto the Prius as the Banquet Director drove in this evening.  No apparent damage to the car, but a shockingly loud noise. Amazingly, a 24/7 garage door repair man is currently (11:09 pm EDT) in the garage plying his trade.

360 days until AI-XVIII - this reporter is going to attempt to sleep prior to heading for Delhi, India on Friday.  Check the blog for photos and news from the sub-continent.

To all - a heart- and liver-felt thank you for your participation, patience and willingness to indulge the absurdity that is the AI.

AI Eve

Well, it's actually 00:56 of AI-XVII morning, but...

Kitchen prep: Ribs; Melissa Kelly almonds; corn with miso butter.
 stuff from office to house; final edits in the AI Productions Studio; get the robe out; lie in bed in AI snuggie; videos are processing on the iMac; just kidding - no snow; the hot tub is hot; the forecast is great; 10+ of the coolest peeps on the planet right here; adrenaline is a fine substitute for sleep; also a good appetizer mixed with Vicodin and soda. So, to sleep, perchance to dream; AI-XVII awaits.

Schedule of Play and Handicaps

The schedule of play has been finalized and the final USGA GHIN handicap revision has been released.  Here then, the report:

SCHEDULE

Friday March 8 - - 9:20am  EST  -- 4-BALL
Arnold Palmer's Bay Hill Club & Lodge.  Paze & Gordon v Heimsch & Burke

Saturday, March 9 - - 11:10am EST-- ROUND 1
Arnold Palmer's Bay Hill Club & Lodge

Sunday, March 10 - - 10:40am DST-- ROUND 2
Arnold Palmer's Bay Hill Club & Lodge


In a nod toward advancing age and declining skills, AI-XVII will offer each competitor the option to play from one of three tee boxes:  Championship (yellow) 6437 yards- [where we typically play]; Combo - (yellow & red) 6201 yds; Men's:  (Red) - 5788 yards

You will see the handcaps adjusted for each tee box below.  The Committee encourages players to play from the tees of their choice.  The Committee does not care from which tee box a player plays, however once the decision has been reached, the player must play from his chosen tee box for both rounds.

FINAL (unless Gordon is winning after Round 1) HANDICAPS for AI-XVII

                       INDEX   YELLOW    COMBO      RED

*PAZE:             4.6             7                 6                  4
HEIMSCH     10.2            12                11                 9
BURKE          10.6            13                11                 9
BAUER             ?              20                18                16

*- The Committee has awarded Paze the customary 2 shot 'I haven't played since Halloween' adjustment.

Kitchen Scraps

Our esteemed Banquet Director and staff met for several hours on Saturday to plot out the details of the weekend's culinary creations.  The AI Committee believes this will be the finest gastronomic weekend in AI history (save for Paze, who will likely somehow consume what he always consumes).

The BD suggests that attendees might want to consider a cleansing fast for the next three days to prepare their arteries for the assault.  See partial shopping spree below:

 

Van Gordon

The world is less one great pianist with the passing of the cold war phenom Van Cliburn.  Gordon suggested that we listen to his performance of 'Widmung' a Liszt transcription of a song by Schumann.
We did.  He's no Brian Wilson but it's worth 3.5 minutes of your time.

As my mother might have said:  "if only Gordon had practiced"

Musings from Reifsnyder

As this reporter sits in the studio of AI Productions and observes that AI-XVII will be underway precisely I week from tonight, my meticulous planning and mañana work philosophy has led to a state of near panic.  How much adrenaline can one person produce anyway?  I was sure this was going to be the year of well-paced, leisurely preparation.



But all seriousness aside, harking back to the highly regarded series of 'Ruminations' from AI-XVI, the most famous ruminant since Bambi has again blessed us with his thoughts as the days rush toward the commencement of this, our XVIIth gathering.  Or as Churchill opined: "Never have so few done so much for no apparent reason."

Here then, as the AI Staff furiously works to prepare the golf course,

trusses chickens, refines the entertainment or lack thereof, and continues the search for clean sheets, we present:  Musings From Reifsnyder.

T-MINUS ONE WEEK AND COUNTING

The oddity that “golf” and “The Apartment” could, or even should, be thought of in the same breath is quite ironic, especially after a meal with lots of garlic. Between late 1976 through the ’78 U.S.Open, Mitch and I never played together: nor, I might add, with each other.

Naturally, we watched and appreciated the greatest in golf, all due to the “Miracle of Tee-Wee”. Rarely did a Sunday afternoon pass between The January Clambake at Pebble and the PGA--wherever-the-fuck the fourth and, in fact, distantly fourth major of the year was being contested--Mitch and I—and Gordon, when it was at least 80 degrees—would be glued to the set and, occasionally, to the seat. We spouted golf lore, imitated the announcers, entertained guests, tossed about free packs of sotweed, played Billy Joel way too loud, poured beers, and watched the drama unfold. No one is close when it comes to with whom I would choose to watch a sporting event: after (from a warm bubble-bath with) Amy Adams, I would have to say, well… Mitch. No bubble-bath required.

But it was not until the early '80s, while our esteemed host and Tournament Director was honing his business skills (acquired, now famously, from an intensive five-day, balls-out, accelerated program at Cornell) and realized he could make ten times as much if he knew how to play golf. Let’s face it: his softball career was over.

We first played at a public course in or near Columbia, Maryland, what Mitch, Kathi, Sean E. and a large snow-white furry beast,“Serbo”, called home in the early Reagan years. Hobbits’ Glen? Or maybe Hobbitts Glen?  Maybe Hobbit’s Glans?

As it happened, I was at the top of a meaningful push in what was my competitive drive to become and stay a single- digit handicap player…and Mitch? Our generous host and quite fortunate spouse of Kathleen—The One-Armed Banquet Director—Marinari’s, was just beginning to take all this country club stuff seriously. He was terrible. No freakin idea. Here’s a guy with well-established athletic talents—including, but not limited to—hitting a softball a country mile and, with the wind out of the east, even a suburban mile, kicking your ass at “horse” in roundball, and, when called upon, lifting an entire twenty-three pound ham out of the Apartment oven after an afternoon and evening at Dunkle’s playing pinball and bangin beers at two bucks a pitcher.

AI-XVII is here.

Heimsch is ready.

Gordon too is ready, sadly not for competitive golf.

The Boob, again, is my favorite to win.

Report From The Banquet Kitchen

As the days turn into nights and the nights in turn back into days, the simple task of being tedious has itself become tedious.  But wait!  Can we not turn to the Banquet Department for inspiration, for flights of fancy, for slaking our thirst for fantasy? For.....chicken?

The Banquet Director and Sous Chef never sleep.  Well, actually they do, but you know what I mean.

So, there's this:  Let the salivating begin.

Official Balls of AI-XVII

Each year the AI-Swag Committee agonizes over the proper combination of gifts for the participants.  We use several criteria in determining the final mix:  those that will be the least useful; most embarrassing; heaviest; and most importantly, cheapest.

Herewith the Balls of AI-XVII.  Look familiar Gordon??

Diversity

Golf is well known for its homogeneous nature - old, white, male, Republican (or whatever is to the right of Republican), alocholic, cigar smoking and out of shape. 

The AI has strived for it's XVII years, to be a beacon of diversity in that sea of similarity.  We are outliers.  We have taken it upon ourselves to be inclusive rather than exclusive.  Unfortunately, no one seems to want to be included.

And so we celebrate the use of ASL as a means of communicating one's deepest and heartfelt feelings.  One wonders if this woman is perhaps a former student of Dr. Bauer's.

 

Did You Think (Hope?) This Year Would Be Different?

less than 3 weeks away.... For the luddites amongst us, double click on the video to make it bigger; listen through headphones (loud) if you've got them.  Get ready.  I'm not

Why Are You Guys All #6?





In the beginning (1976), there was STAN.  The softball team.  Where everyone wore red shirts with

STAN on the front and the number 6 on the back. 

 

Invariably, and by that I mean every single time we played a game, some

knucklehead from the opposing squad would ask two questions:

 

1.  Which one of you is Stan?

and

2. Why are you all #6?

 

 

And now, nearly 37 years on, the St. Louis Blues of the NHL

have channeled The Apartment

 

 

So, notwithstanding the universal awareness of Stan in St. Louis, if you

 listen closely you can almost hear one fan turning to another and asking

"Which one is Musial?"

and

"Why are they all #6?"

The Handicap Watch

With a mere 36 days until the first ball is struck at AI-XVII, it is time to take a look at the current state of the players' games.  As always, three of the four players have managed to secure an actual USGA handicap, while one who shall not be mentioned but whose initials are GB and who is a statistician no less, relies not on data but on a feeling in much the same way as climate change deniers.

Herewith the current USGA handicap index ratings:

PAZE:             4.6
MFB:            10.2
HEIMSCH:  10.6  (up from 7.9 as recently as 12/15 - coincidence?)
GORDON:      ??

Bob Costas Eulogizes Stan

 

Fellow Stans,

Upon viewing this emotional and articulate eulogy from the nearly impeccable Bob Costas, the AI Committee proposes that he be selected as the first Honorary Stan of the Apartment Invitational as we head toward AI-XVII.  Watch and have a tissue or two nearby.