The Apartment on the TV (sort of)

through the magic of Twitter and the TV, The Apartment found its way onto The Golf Channel this morning.   We've already heard from several Bay Hill members; most simply wondering WTF 'The Apartment' is.  We tell them it's like the Trilateral Commission

BULLETIN

As winter turns to spring, our thoughts are inexorably drawn to one thing:  did Hillary email the terrorists in Benghazi a picture of Monica's dress after selling her Whitewater lots to Supreme Leader Khomeini?  Oh, and there's also going to be a golf tournament at Bay Hill.  But Gordon won't be there.  Actually, Gordon will be there.  He will be paying a visit to AI HQ this weekend for the first time since Thanksgiving.  Paze is also in town and, if we can pry him away from his card game and Jenga tower of Coors light cans.....not gonna happen

But, to the BULLETIN.  For nearly of all of its XIX year history, The AI has hung its bucket hat, robe, doo rag, pool wrap and shower slippers on contesting the AI Championship at Arnold Palmer's Bay Hill Club, where, outlined against a bloodshot March (with occasional detours into January and June) sky the Four (and occasionally Five) Headless Horsemen rode again and again [and again].  In dramatic lore they are known as famine, pestilence, destruction and death.  These are only aliases.  Their real names are:  STAN.

However, this year, the competition, marked by a cumulative lack of skill rarely seen outside of any karaoke bar, will be forced to an alternative venue and more importantly, another place to play golf.

To wit:

Rest assured that the AI Venue Committee is already hard at work
securing alternate courses for AI-XIX.  We appreciate your
consideration and look forward to a stirring competition in June.
Hey, it could happen.

Never Forget

Our Champion (?)

As we turned the clocks ahead early yesterday morning, we were overwhelmed by thoughts that something was missing.  After locating our reading glasses and phone didn't slake the empty feeling, we realized that this weekend past was "AI Weekend" for all but IV of the previous XVIII events. Simple arithmetic, our favorite kind, reveals that there are thus a mere III.5 months until we gather again for XIX.   Let us then take a quick look back at AI-Inferno, golf division.

For the IInd consecutive year and the VIth time overall, Richard D. "Stan" Heimsch came out on top of the original AI competition, 36 grueling holes of something that occasionally resembles golf.  We will not belabor everyone now with the shot by shot progress of Round 2, leaving that instead for the ever excruciating AI-XIX Tournament Schedule.  A brief synopsis, however, reveals that Rich was dogged in his pursuit of the title while pursued by players who played like dogs.  He overtook Gordon (an alternative interpretation would be that Gordon overtook himself) on the 8th hole and withstood several tepid challenges from Stan and Paze on the back 9 and thus was able to gambol down the 18th hole with a 6 shot lead, leaving him a slightly better than 50/50 chance of winning.

Paze easily won the gross competition (some might say that is a redundant phrase when discussing AI golf), with an AI Bay Hill record round of 80 on Sunday.  He also finished T2 net with Stan, who sliced, hooked and hacked his way around the course for 2 days.  Gordon rounded (sic) out the field with yet another top 4 finish.

The AI Director and Banquet Director, using the FIFA and NCAA economic models of pocketing all the tournament profits, took off after AI-XVIII on a 2 week mission trip to Africa to spread the gospel of the AI.  There's nothing Africans like more than white Americans flying over to teach them how to live.  The itinerary included a 16 hour flight to Johannesburg, followed by 10 days in Botswana (3 of which were spent in a 3 meter by 3 meter tent with bucket shower and pit toilet) and concluded at Victoria Falls; well, actually we stayed at a hotel.

We will keep you 'posted' as inspiration strikes.  The Committee again thanks all of the participants for, in the words of JBR, their inexplicable annual attendance.  Congratulations again to Heimsch for his stirring victory and let this also serve as a reminder for him to bring the belt back.

Represent

Behold, the 2015 Bay Hill Match Play Champion - Cherry Hills (2nd) Flight (handicaps 7-11).  Stan, making his 4th appearance in the Finals of this grueling 3-day grind-a-thon, managed to win for the 2nd time, with a 1-up victory on Sunday.  Stan uncharacteristically birdied the 1st hole and never trailed in the match  (in fact he never trailed in the entire tournament), building a 3-up lead at one point on the front and leading 2-up thru 14 holes.  The train to victory ran into a flashing red light on 15 when Stan's 2nd shot could not be found in the always lovely Bay Hill rough and Stan could not persuade his opponent to play by AI rules rather than the rules of golf.  Then Stan's bogey on 16 created a butt squeezing all square with 2 to play.  Stan's par on 17 put him back up by 1 with the always stress-free #18 to play.  A well-struck 5-iron (!) off the tee left about 210 to a front pin.  But when his opponent sliced (he's a lefty) his tee shot OB, the pressure eased somewhat.  Stan followed with a 9-iron to 85 yards and a firmly steered SW to the front of the green and when his opponent missed his putt for bogey, Stan needed only to 3-putt to secure the win and recapture the cup (bearing a strikingly familiar design to keen observers).

You will, of course, also notice the branding of Stan's sponsor for the event.  What are not visible in the photo are the winner's AI socks which were worn throughout the tournament and are now festering in the laundry basket.