Report from the Greens Committee

Attention All Stans,
Your ever vigilant AI Greens Committee, just back from a weekend in Asheville, NC (the Woodstock of the south) immediately returned to work to examine the alleged renovation of the tournament course at Bay Hill, venue for nearly every previous AI Championship round.  Not that we're paranoid and imagine that Arnold Palmer Enterprises would fabricate a press release to its membership and the national media for the sole purpose of leading the AI to believe the course is closed.  Although, one might wonder if the Palmer brain trust is tired of the constant comparison between the API and the AI.  One might also wonder why one might wonder that.  And that at least they have a brain trust.  Where were we?  You know, we recently wondered if it was too soon to take a test designed to measure cognitive deficits.  We decided it was.  Too soon, that is.  Now, see these photos of the home of the AI, and the API, and possibly the UPI.

             looking greenward  from the right fairway bunker on #5

              gazing down the fairway of #6 from #6 tee on the Charger

So it is clear that Palmer and his cohorts will go to any lengths to prevent the staging of AI-XIX at Bay Hill.  Will we be deterred?  Will we be interred?  Stay tuned.

Handicapping AI-XIX

With the latest GHIN Handicap revisions out today, the AI Handicap Committee thought it timely to present the initial report for the projected participants in AI-XIX.  We will list indexes rather than course handicaps as the Committee is still researching the venue(s) where the tournament will be played and neither have we been able to find the proper calculations to translate these indexes for Wii Golf.............

Onward.

As of May 15, 2015

Robert Pease:   4.6 *
Mitch Burke:     9.8
Rich Heimsch:  11.1 **
Gordon:           16.3

For those of you organizing your betting strategy for AI-XIX, a couple of notes before you call Betfair.

*  that Mr. Pease's index is followed by an 'R' -  From the USGA website:   "R designates that a handicap has been automatically reduced for exceptional tournament performance.  A “reduced handicap” must be reviewed by the Handicap Committee and the committee may decide to let the reduction run its normal course, override the reduction or adjust the reduction."  Obviously, the USGA has never encountered Mr. Pease play during the pressure of an AI Tournament.

** that Mr. Heimsch has not posted a score in April or May.  This is a potential red flag in that, traditionally, no one plays more golf than Mr. Heimsch. 

The Mitchell Report Report

You will all, of course, remember the epic "Mitchell Report" presented at AI something or other detailing the effects of PWD's (Performance Worsening Drugs) throughout the history of The AI.  The report spent much time detailing the prevalence of a certain drug we called The STAN (Stanozolol); a mash up of STAN and LOL.  Well, LO(L) and behold, we turn your attention to the recent goings on in MLB where three, count' em, 4, (whatever) players have recently been suspended for the use of - wait for it - Stanozolol aka The STAN.

"four pitchers, all caught with Stanozolol in their system – has Major League Baseball looking into any links between the cases and exploring why the old-school drug is popping up on tests again.The four players suspended for 80 games in a stretch of 16 days starting March 27 – David Rollins of the Seattle Mariners, Arodys Vizcaino of the Atlanta Braves, Ervin Santana of the Minnesota Twins and Jenrry Mejia of the New York Mets – are already one more than the number of players on 40-man rosters penalized for using performance-enhancing substances all of last year."

You can Check out The STAN story on USATODAY.com: http://usat.ly/1FNkbFI

Simply more evidence that the reach of the AI is long and deep; which coincidentally is also the working title of the first XXX AI video.  

The Apartment on the TV (sort of)

through the magic of Twitter and the TV, The Apartment found its way onto The Golf Channel this morning.   We've already heard from several Bay Hill members; most simply wondering WTF 'The Apartment' is.  We tell them it's like the Trilateral Commission

BULLETIN

As winter turns to spring, our thoughts are inexorably drawn to one thing:  did Hillary email the terrorists in Benghazi a picture of Monica's dress after selling her Whitewater lots to Supreme Leader Khomeini?  Oh, and there's also going to be a golf tournament at Bay Hill.  But Gordon won't be there.  Actually, Gordon will be there.  He will be paying a visit to AI HQ this weekend for the first time since Thanksgiving.  Paze is also in town and, if we can pry him away from his card game and Jenga tower of Coors light cans.....not gonna happen

But, to the BULLETIN.  For nearly of all of its XIX year history, The AI has hung its bucket hat, robe, doo rag, pool wrap and shower slippers on contesting the AI Championship at Arnold Palmer's Bay Hill Club, where, outlined against a bloodshot March (with occasional detours into January and June) sky the Four (and occasionally Five) Headless Horsemen rode again and again [and again].  In dramatic lore they are known as famine, pestilence, destruction and death.  These are only aliases.  Their real names are:  STAN.

However, this year, the competition, marked by a cumulative lack of skill rarely seen outside of any karaoke bar, will be forced to an alternative venue and more importantly, another place to play golf.

To wit:

Rest assured that the AI Venue Committee is already hard at work
securing alternate courses for AI-XIX.  We appreciate your
consideration and look forward to a stirring competition in June.
Hey, it could happen.

Never Forget

Our Champion (?)

As we turned the clocks ahead early yesterday morning, we were overwhelmed by thoughts that something was missing.  After locating our reading glasses and phone didn't slake the empty feeling, we realized that this weekend past was "AI Weekend" for all but IV of the previous XVIII events. Simple arithmetic, our favorite kind, reveals that there are thus a mere III.5 months until we gather again for XIX.   Let us then take a quick look back at AI-Inferno, golf division.

For the IInd consecutive year and the VIth time overall, Richard D. "Stan" Heimsch came out on top of the original AI competition, 36 grueling holes of something that occasionally resembles golf.  We will not belabor everyone now with the shot by shot progress of Round 2, leaving that instead for the ever excruciating AI-XIX Tournament Schedule.  A brief synopsis, however, reveals that Rich was dogged in his pursuit of the title while pursued by players who played like dogs.  He overtook Gordon (an alternative interpretation would be that Gordon overtook himself) on the 8th hole and withstood several tepid challenges from Stan and Paze on the back 9 and thus was able to gambol down the 18th hole with a 6 shot lead, leaving him a slightly better than 50/50 chance of winning.

Paze easily won the gross competition (some might say that is a redundant phrase when discussing AI golf), with an AI Bay Hill record round of 80 on Sunday.  He also finished T2 net with Stan, who sliced, hooked and hacked his way around the course for 2 days.  Gordon rounded (sic) out the field with yet another top 4 finish.

The AI Director and Banquet Director, using the FIFA and NCAA economic models of pocketing all the tournament profits, took off after AI-XVIII on a 2 week mission trip to Africa to spread the gospel of the AI.  There's nothing Africans like more than white Americans flying over to teach them how to live.  The itinerary included a 16 hour flight to Johannesburg, followed by 10 days in Botswana (3 of which were spent in a 3 meter by 3 meter tent with bucket shower and pit toilet) and concluded at Victoria Falls; well, actually we stayed at a hotel.

We will keep you 'posted' as inspiration strikes.  The Committee again thanks all of the participants for, in the words of JBR, their inexplicable annual attendance.  Congratulations again to Heimsch for his stirring victory and let this also serve as a reminder for him to bring the belt back.

Represent

Behold, the 2015 Bay Hill Match Play Champion - Cherry Hills (2nd) Flight (handicaps 7-11).  Stan, making his 4th appearance in the Finals of this grueling 3-day grind-a-thon, managed to win for the 2nd time, with a 1-up victory on Sunday.  Stan uncharacteristically birdied the 1st hole and never trailed in the match  (in fact he never trailed in the entire tournament), building a 3-up lead at one point on the front and leading 2-up thru 14 holes.  The train to victory ran into a flashing red light on 15 when Stan's 2nd shot could not be found in the always lovely Bay Hill rough and Stan could not persuade his opponent to play by AI rules rather than the rules of golf.  Then Stan's bogey on 16 created a butt squeezing all square with 2 to play.  Stan's par on 17 put him back up by 1 with the always stress-free #18 to play.  A well-struck 5-iron (!) off the tee left about 210 to a front pin.  But when his opponent sliced (he's a lefty) his tee shot OB, the pressure eased somewhat.  Stan followed with a 9-iron to 85 yards and a firmly steered SW to the front of the green and when his opponent missed his putt for bogey, Stan needed only to 3-putt to secure the win and recapture the cup (bearing a strikingly familiar design to keen observers).

You will, of course, also notice the branding of Stan's sponsor for the event.  What are not visible in the photo are the winner's AI socks which were worn throughout the tournament and are now festering in the laundry basket.