It is time to turn our attention from the scant weeks that may remain of western civilization as we know it, refuse to grow up and concentrate on childish things (1 Stan: 2016). It is thus that The AI Planning Committee hesitantly announces that the AI will be resurrected (check your calendar) in its XXIst iteration from 13 April - 17 April (we are practicing using European nomenclature in anticipation of an AI HQ in exile).
And so let the word go forth from this time and place, to all Stans, young and old alike, that, tempered by wine & beer, disciplined by a hard & bitter election, proud of our absurd AI heritage--and unwilling to witness or permit the slow undoing of our annual gathering to which we have always been committed, and to which we are committed today, we are going to do this again. And likely be committed
This breaking news has recently come to the attention of the AI Patent and Copyright Department.
"STAN" - once merely the icon and excuse for 40 years of lame word play and annual gatherings; or gratuitously the name of one of the greatest teams in Bucknell Summer Softball League history; and more recently an Emma (and Eminem) song about an obsessed fan, it is now a (derisive) slang word for the obsessed fan in general. Lowercase. Also, a verb. To "stan" someone is to adore that person unquestioningly and kind of scarily.
So, as we lurch unsteadily toward AI-XXI, remember, when you're a stan you're a stan all the way.....
Well, another Masters has come and gone, replete with chirping "birds," fawning announcers and the usual Masters speak. My favorite was when Baker-Finch uttered the verboten "crowds" and immediately received a jolt from the Masters electric collar all announcers are issued and recovered to say "patrons" before having to join Gary ("bikini waxed greens") McCord in Masters purgatory.
The tournament ended with the traditional ceremonies wherein the walking dead Jordan Spieth tripped over a chair as he thought about strangling the ever obsequious Jim Nantz with the green jacket rather than helping Danny Willett to don it.
The tournament began, of course, with the traditional welcome from one of the old white guys wandering around the Club in a green jacket. Which brought to mind this 'welcome' from an old white guy wandering around Orlando in a maroon jacket
Kathi strolled into the house after playing 18 holes yesterday afternoon and casually mentioned that she was experiencing sharp pain in her lower abdomen that was becoming increasingly tender to the touch. Her response was to drive to the airport to pick up her nephew, Aaron, drive back, cook a 3-course dinner and then lie down "to rest." 2 hours later we were in the emergency room, this time I was not wearing the AI sports coat and doo rag.
After a quick visit from the doc and a CT scan the diagnosis was given as acute appendicitis. I left about 2:00am and she had surgery this morning at 8. The doc was just here, and all went well. She will stay in the hospital tonight as she is feeling pretty nauseous; but, she should be at full strength in a couple of weeks and it should not impact our trip to Machu Picchu in mid-May. We are both VERY glad that this did not happen on the Inca Trail.
A week ago today the assembled masses were in thrall at the onset of one of the greatest Banquets in AI history. We were squirting tequila into our mouths, downing martinis, rum & coke, Malbec, Sauv Blanc and several gallons of wine from the AI Cellar. Today, all is calm at AI-HQ on a beautiful, sunny mid-70's Orlando day. The posters have made their way back to the garage (today); the AI crystal Sisyphus now adorns the dining room table; and, the Director wore the AI-XX hat and used (only 1) AI-XX golf ball for both days of the Stroke Play Club Championship this weekend [4 shots off the pace]. And so we take this time to remember the fierce competitions of a week ago.
In the Six-Ball, it was Gordon & Paze taking home the muscular trophies as Gordon cemented his reputation as The AI's greatest 4/6 ball champion. That win was capped off by one of the greatest shots in AI history on #18 at the not so Tranquilo Golf Club.
Edie extended her Bowling For Sotweeds hegemony by winning for the umpteenth time while Gordon snared his first title and extended the formerly invincible Reef's winless streak to two years.
The Banquet Director took her first ever AI title with a Lack of Skills win, nipping (?) Heimsch by a point.
In the AI Championship, the hosts, Stan and The Banquet Director (an early favorite for indie movie title of the year) won the first title under the new format. Stan coasted to an easy win with 133 points proving that selecting teammates is more important than playing well; playing with The BD and Christina (further review of the The BD's Official Scorecard revealed 3 more strokes for Stan than his Base 7 math indicated when first added) . A tight battle for the 2nd title spot found The BD at 122 with Heimsch and Paze both at 120; AI-XIX champ Gordon, exhausted from winning almost everything else, placed fourth with 113 points.
As everyone associated with this event knows, there are no goodbyes, only until we meet agains.
The AI Financial Committee announced today that The AI has been acquired by FIFA. FIFA spokesman Sepp Blatter said from a maximum security prison in Switzerland today "I have thought for years that there would be no better addition to the FIFA family of racists, bribe-takers and slave labor apologists than The Apartment Invitational. We at FIFA have marveled as The AI grew over the years from a small collection of idiots to a large collection of idiots. This is simply a perfect fit for us."
Speaking from AI Headquarters in Orlando, FL, President, CEO and Tournament Director Stan said "I was surprised to learn that FIFA is a soccer organization as I had been led to believe that they are a Revolutionary War era fife and drum corps consolidator. But, whatever."
Questions about the location of AI-XXI went unanswered. It is thought, however that Qatar and Sochi are two early favorites
they said it couldn't be done; that the weather wouldn't cooperate; that AI-XX would be a rain drenched affair consisting of nothing but conversation and video. But no! Conversation and video only took up 85% of the day, rather than 100%. The players completed Lack of Skills and finished 16 & 17 holes respectively before being driven off the course by lightning.
To recap: a streamlined LOS took place at various locations on the Charger, albeit without flags, pins or greens. The winner, for the first time, the Banquet Director, whose 11 points edged Heimsch by 1.
In the AI Championship, the team of Marinari/Burke sped to a 10 point lead over the teams of T. Korpolinski/Paze and Heimsch/Bauer going into Day 2. Today's matches will feature Heimsch/Paze; Bauer/Marinari and Burke/C. Korpolinski.
The 3rd annual Lip Sync Challenge was a smashing success again, with performances ranging from John Cage to Michael Jackson to Meatloaf to Loretta Lynn and many, many more. Video will be available at some point, although not on YouTube as Google has placed The AI on its (no) watch list.
