For We Lived So Well So Long

The AI Existentialism Committee would like to take this unique moment to provide a uniquely serious post.

As of 11:30 EDT on 26 March 2020, most Stans are under government directives to shelter in place.  Moments ago, The Director, The BD, Nora, Edie, Tony, CKorp and TKorp in Orlando joined Sean & Nick in LA, Kate G in Brooklyn, Emma in the ATL and Wally in Pittsburgh as prisoners of COVID-XIX.  Only, Rich in Bastrop, Jim & Kate in Jim Thorpe and Gordon in Sarasota are currently free to move about their towns.

 In the case of Bastrop it's seen as just another northeastern liberal plot to get them to wash their hands with fluoridated water; in Jim Thorpe, the local government likely hasn't yet heard about the virus; while in Sarasota everyone is so old, they assume it's a lost cause anyway.  Sorry, serious, serious, serious.

For many of us at a time like this, music is a powerful palliative.  For others it's wine and a few Benadryl.  But, wherever and however you take comfort in stressful times, it is important to feel part of a community.  To not feel alone.  To both feel and provide empathy.  To be hopeful. To be realistic. To be thankful. To be clear.  To be one of a family of 7 billion people in the world.  To be an American Stan 

MY CORONA

It has come to the attention of the AI Medical Committee that people around the world are complaining of flu-like symptoms. Initially, The Committee assumed that Gordon, in an egotistical plot to make himself appear normal, had cajoled the world (I repeat THE WORLD) into projecting normal symptoms of every day life into a life threatening pandemic.  Who knew?  Turns out all these years Gordon was the canary in the coal mine.  As an aside, why a canary, why not a chicken?  But, we digress.

Anyhoo....after (not so) serious consultation with The AI Logistical Committee, The AI Pandemic Committee and The AI Lack of Ethics Committee, we have reached a consensus:

AI-XXIV

Well Stans, I'm back.  Yes, on this 29th day of February, a day lived only once per quadrennial, I have opted to reenter your lives and valuable screen time.

Let us begin

51 Weeks To Go

Now that there is no adrenaline remaining at AI-HQ, The AI Etiquette & Protocol Committee would like to take this opportunity to thank all the Stans who made their way from points near and far to make AI-XXIII one of the best, if not the best, AI in AI history.  Stans came from LA, from Pittsburgh, from Bastrop, from Jim Thorpe, from Brooklyn, from the ATL, from Sarasota, Windermere and down the block.  The grand spectacle of The AI would not be possible without each and every Stan.

The Committee would like to draw special attention to a few aspects of The AI that perhaps are not fully appreciated during the maelstrom. To Reef for the post-AI lunches.  To Wally for his annual culinary gift. To Edie, designer of the iconic AI logo, for her ever enthusiastic help with The AI Tchotchke Department. To Mr. Heimsch for his annual case of wine and to Dr. Bauer for his several bottles of fine champagne.  To Christina "The Baroness von Sidecar" and Tom for generously hosting the annual AI cocktail party. To Nick for his technical assistance and cinematography.  To Sean, Nick & Kate with help from Tony for their heroic work on what was surely the finest Banquet in AI history (the last of which we just finished eating an hour ago).  To Cleo without whom we would be doing dishes until mid-May.

The Baroness von Sidecar                                   Most of The Banquet Staff

   in her natural habitat                                          hoping and praying                               

To Nora for her weeks of work and dedication to The AI Food & Beverage Committee without which we simply could not produce the quality that AI gourmands demand.

And, of course, to The Banquet Director, without whom The AI quite simply would not exist.  Who else would put up with her spouse's personality disorder for XXIII years?

AI-XXIV awaits, god willing and the creek don't rise

Day 2 AI-XXIII

Breakfast, coffee, chipping, putting, sand shots, drives, Lack of Skills, 9 holes of best ball action, sidecars, snacks, fried chicken, cole slaw, quinoa, bowling, videos, beer, negronis, wine.  That was the Cliff Notes Day 2.

The dawn broke at dawn, unsurprisingly, but not a creature was stirring all through the house.  We eventually woke and did a quick head count to make sure Jim was with us.  For those of you just joining us, Mr. Reifsnyder was inexplicably  late to the opening dinner at Yellow Dog Eats Thursday evening.  Perhaps it was the double Manhattan, or the Med Men purchase or a couple of beers.  Perhaps it was just succumbing to the overwhelming stimulation at The AI and losing a sense of place.  Whatever it was, despite being at one of the cars as it pulled out of the garage on its way to Yellow Dog, he somehow failed to actually enter a car and thus was left at AI-HQ wondering no one was answering him as he continued to chatter away.  Eventually, Rich and Tony would extract him from under a tree somewhere near AI-HQ.

CKorp was kind enough to suggest an addition to next year's AI budget to mitigate against something like this happening again.

"Smart mini-GPS Tracker for dogs, cats and pets"

Lack of Skills featured 5 categories this year as conceived by Subcommittee Chairman Heimsch:  30 yard shot, 75 yard shot, sand shot, drive and putt.  The players were to choose any 3 categories and received two swipes at each event.  There was a colorful spread sheet, there were 14 golf balls, there was a tape measure (borrowed from the Pro Shop because, of course, Rich and Mitch again forgot to bring one from AI-HQ.  As of this writing, the results are not available although we hope that we can get them prior to tomorrow night's Awards Ceremony, assuming we remember to have the Awards Ceremony.

LOS was followed by the metastasizing 4-Ball Match, now featuring 7 balls from 7 players, 6 of who were paired:  Kathi & Mitch; Christina & Wally; and last year's formidable duo, Rich & Tom.  Gordon was left to wander about the course trying to remember how many times he had hit the ball.The foursome of K/M and R/T saw both groups play well.   Mitch & Kathi, former BH Couples Club Champions, ham and egged nicely, with a birdie from Mitch on 6 on his ways to a 40 and a 60'+ snake of a putt rolled in by The BD on 9 for a par 4 leading to 24 points. Tom was steady as usual, making 6 pars and a bogey for a 39 while Rich chimed in in some key spots and they finished with 21.  W/C played well and had 17 while Gordon, onetime seemingly invincible in this event, should be finishing up by the time this is posted.
So, with 100% of the scorecards reporting, your 7 Ball Champions for AI-XXIII:  The BD and The Director.

Golf was followed again this year by a cocktail party hosted by The Baroness von Sidecar and her assistant.  Featuring, of course, her eponymous drink along with a wide assortment of appetizers and a new Pez display, The AI spent several hours guzzling, chewing and watching Liverpool FC defeat some other team who were wearing red and white uniforms.

After a head count, we returned to AI-HQ for mountains of fried chicken, blue cheese cole slaw, quinoa salad and assorted libations in preparation for the return of Bowling For Sotweeds.  Spanning 3 lanes and including 12 keglers, this year's BFS was a tightly pitched battle with almost all balls staying in the alley from which they originated, several balls not quite making it to the pins, myriad balls not contacting any pins and a "machine".  In was a stunning display of mediocrity Edie continued her undefeated reign atop the femme division while Heimsch cobbled a technique together which would not leave his arm stuck in the ball after he release it and scored an improbable upset on the homme side.  Wally & Gordon refused to play citing trigger warnings from years spent in alleys as youths while Nora did not attend at all jeopardizing her status at The AI.

RICH   135 - 121     252

TOM     103 - 136    239

Edie  109 - 129:       238

JIM    130 - 106       236

Tony 107 - 102:       209

MITCH  88- 118      206

Kathi  97 - 99:         196

CK       99 - 90:       189

KG      73 - 109:      182

Emma 67 - 81:        148

Nick 65 - 81:           146

Sean 32 - 52 :           84

The Official Car whisked the players back to AI-HQ for more revelry including several classic AI videos and the fist 3 parts of AI-XXII: What Happened?

The players will tee off at 11:00 am for the first day of competition for the coveted Stan Cup to be followed by Italian Night  and, of course, the highly anticipated LIP SYNC

Day 1 AI-XXIII: images

Welcome to AI-XXIII

please take a knee and pay your respects as we begin the festivities.  Lyrics are available as an attachment on the email announcing this post.