Saturday - AI-XIX

We played golf for 6+ hours, we sat through a thunderstorm, we drank some wine, we ate an Italian feast for the ages and then.......LIP SYNC.  OMG did everybody bring it!  There will be no championship - everyone won.  It was crazy good.  Mitch & Jim set the tone with the first ever lip and bass sync.....of themselves;  The smarmy BJRE classic - "Do You Wanna Dance."

Gordon led off the night with an exercise in discursive narrative that had the participants wondering if he should be in jail rather than the classroom. He was followed by one after another after another of absolutely stunning performances ranging from Carrie Underwood (Sean) & fucking Sam Smith (Kate) to Rihanna (MFB), the the Doors (Rich), Barbara Streisand (Kathi), an incredible rendition of "Proud Mary" courtesy of Ike & Tina Savoie, the return of 'Rocky Raccoon' (Wally),  a tender 'Leader of the Pack' (Nora), Emma transitioning from Eminem to Paris Hilton with assistance from Connor and Reef wrapping things up with an operatic turn from Jay & the Americans.

As an aside, the group voted unanimously to not view themselves performing at last year's inaugural event.

Golf?  An unprecedented 3-way tie at the top at net 76 and then in solo 4th, Burke.  There were few highlights, but Paze chipped in for birdie on 13 at the precise moment that Reef decided he'd seen enough and took the video camera to the 14th tee.  Wally would make another birdie - the only 2 amongst this undistinguished group.  Heimsch was moving along nicely until an unexpected crash at the 125 yard par 3 15th brought him back to the pack.

Bagels, lox, cream cheese, coffee, V8 and shards of glass from the shattered wine vessel (courtesy of Stan) and we begin the final day of action at Shingle Creek.

AI-XIX Through Friday

The Opening Day of AI-XIX got off to a rocky start.  Gordon, after threatening to attend the Opening Ceremonies, was duped into staying in Sarasota to file imaginary reviews of papers that have not been written.  Wally arrived on time.  Jim also arrived on time but was stranded at OIA for over an hour due to a ferocious thunderstorm that closed the airport and kept Wally & Mitch on the shoulder of the road for 30 minutes because of zero visibility.  The Official AI Car scooped up the Reef and headed back to HQ awaiting word from Heimsch who woke up in Tampa.

The group, sans Sean or perhaps Sean sans, made their way to Yellow Dog Eats along with the revealed mystery guest:  Sue Landskroener who immediately fell prey to the wit, wisdom and infectious charm of The AI.

A quick recap of Friday's action:

The Four Ball:  Burke & Paze won the 18th hole to force the second tie in a row in this event, this time with Heimsch & Gordon.  Heimsch played a stellar backside (?) that included 3 consecutive birdies and a total of 38.  Meanwhile, Kathi & Jim played 18 in approximately 2 hours less than the previously mentioned 4 some.  We are working on a best ball medal total for all 3 twosomes and will have the winner between the 3 groups tomorrow.  The tentative name for the tournament is 

"The AI Team Medal Championship suggested by Bob Paze."

Bowling For Sotweeds:  In one of the great upsets in BFS history, Burke had an out of body experience and rolled the 3rd highest series in the long annals of this event (306) to edge out Gordon andwrest his 2nd title from the perennial leader, JBR.  Edie extended her dominance with another win on the alley to the right.

Everyone  then cried with laughter for 40+ minutes by "The Wit (?) & Wisdom (?) of The Reef" - an hilarious live account of AI-XVIII action or facsimile thereof.

AI-XVIII Champ Heimsch's dramatic entrance at Yellow Dog Eats

Dinner at Yellow Dog 

Here We Go

Banquet Department In High Gear

The Banquet Director was in high gear this past weekend barking out directions and mapping strategies for her Department.  Tasks included shopping at every supermarket within a 10 mile radius; using every pot, pan and utensil in the Banquet Department's arsenal; and handcrafting the components of the meals to come.  The Banquet Department is a highly skilled Department dedicated to the task of providing the attendees of AI-XIX with meals that exceed even their already high expectations.  The Banquet Department currently consists of......Kathi.

Herewith a few photos of the weekend's prep for the return of the much revered Italian Night; which, to be clear, refers not to the server but rather to the food to be served.

AI Announces 4-Ball Pairings for AI-XIX

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Orlando, FL - Here amidst the sweltering lizards and blistering roaches, The AI announces the pairings for this year's Four Ball match.  The Greatest Living 4-Ball Champion in AI history, Gordon, and his astounding 12-3-2 record will be paired this year with the event's least accomplished competitor, Heimsch (2-8-2) whose only two victories have come, unsurprisingly, when paired with Gordon.  As a team, Gordon & Heimsch are 2-2.  They will face the unit of Paze (3-5-1) & Burke (8-7-3) who are an equally pedestrian 1-1 as a team.

Where: The 'regrassing' (a term borrowed from The Apartment) project currently underway at Bay Hill has thrown the AI Planning Committee into a tizzy of regrouping, reorganizing and the usual regretting.  The result?  The AI-XIX Four-Ball Championship will be held on the Charger at Bay Hill.   The 'front' nine will be contested from the Blue tees and the 'back' nine from the yellows.

With the 'big' course closed, the AI will have something approaching carte blanche (that's French for white golf cart) on the Charger for both the 4-Ball and LOS, should anyone still be breathing after the sweat box effect of 18 holes in Orlando in late June.

More.  After a long winter of negotiations marked by periods of optimism interspersed with ennui, The AI can now officially announce that the champion of AI-X, James "Reef" Reifsnyder will be returning to the field of play for the first time since his 'retirement' halfway through the final round of AI-XIV.  As if that were not enough to stoke the fires of the AI's cadre of rabid fans, he will be joined on the grassy knolls and sandy divots by The Banquet Director, expanding her reach from the past two LOS contests.

One might ask, a la David Byrne:  "how will we work this?"

At the suggestion of the returning Reef, we will add him to one twosome and the BD to the other and play as two groups of three [threesomes just didn't sit well in the initial draft].  The match will still be between the twosomes mentioned above.  That they will be playing in different groups presents some measure of difficulty in tracking the progress of said match.  The AI Logistics & Format Committee is working as we speak to divine how best to stage the Championship.

Final Handicap Report

Well, a years worth of flailing at golf balls has yielded the final handicap report for AI-XIX, now a scant 10 days away.  In the two weeks since the last glance at the mediocrity of the three players not named Pease, we notice a trend; a trend heading in the wrong direction.  Tournament Director  Burke leads the march upward after a string of abysmal performances spanning 4 golf courses and two states during which he has not struck the ball less than 95 times in any round, has posted scores of 50 or more in 5 of his last 8 nines and has suffered 25 penalty shots.  Some might question his motivation, but need only consult the Banquet Director who bore witness to 3 of the 4 debacles.

Paze has added nearly a stroke to his handicap index, although it still bears the scarlet 'R' of the USGA.  The AI Handicap Committee will be in consultation with the USGA to determine the best way to equitably control this player's propensity for rising to the occasion.

Heimsch added half a shot to his index,  which was enough to keep him trailing Burke but now by the slimmest of margins:  one tenth of a shot.

Gordon was the only combatant who apparently does not understand the concept of preparing for a big tournament as he lowered his index by nearly a half a point.  That move combined with the upward moves of the other 3 scalawags leaves us with a slightly reduced range of indexes (indices?) for the 19th running of the balls.

There has been much interest in the venues for AI-XIX.  We have entertained suggestions ranging from miniature golf to staying at HQ and watching other people play golf on the tee wee.  But, after careful consideration, the AI Venue Committee has settled on two courses that have previous experience hosting the AI.  The requirements to stage an AI are simply too complex to expect an inexperienced club to be able to handle it properly.  Also, no one else would let us play.

Round 1 will be played at Falcon's Fire Golf Club, scene of the 4-Ball in AI-IV, V and XIV as well as Round 2 of AI-II and Round 1 of AI-XI.

Round 2 will take place at Shingle Creek Golf Club, host of the AI-X 4-Ball and winter home club of Paze.

Here then, the numbers:

As of June 15, 2015
                                                 FF       SC
Robert Pease:   5.3    [+ .7]         6          6
Mitch Burke:     10.8   [+ 1]        12        12
Rich Heimsch:   10.9   [+ .5]       13        12
Gordon:           16.1    [- .4]        19        18

FF = Falcon's Fire
SC = Shingle Creek

For comparison, these were the player indexes for AI-XVIII, one year ago.  A quick glance informs us that the players have studied, taken lessons, adjusted swings, read articles, watched Golf Channel and contorted through all sorts of mental gymnastics for naught.  Even MFB, prior to his recent spasm, would have been within .5 of his AI-XVIII index.


             AI-XVIII  INDEX  

PAZE              5.7          
MFB                9.3          
HEIMSCH         11         
GORDON          16          

Stan Wins French Open in Spare Time

With a few weeks to kill before AI-XIX, Stan jetted off to Paris to play a little tennis.  Of course, he won.  Utilizing the physical and mental prowess for which he is known along with his oft imitated but rarely replicated sense of fashion, Stan took down the best racketeers in the world.

                                                               ROLAND GARROS 2015

  sTAN CREDITS MINDSET, TEAM & SHORTS IN PARIS

                                                    Paris, France

He is due back in the US this week and, deigning rest as a sign of weakness or possibly preparation, is expected to delve immediately into final preparations for AI-XIX.

Are You In Sync?

With less than 4 weeks remaining prior to the XIXth rendition of the AI, which we are considering renaming Bikram AI due to the projected temperatures, we now force your attention to your preparation or lack thereof for the 2nd Annual AI Lip-Sync Competition.  Despite 11 months of therapy and memory suppressing techniques, we are reminded that the AI faithful voted overwhelmingly for the return of Lip Sync at AI-XIX.  And so it shall be.   Gordon has petitioned the Lip Sync Committee (LSC) for a special nose exception to allow him to make a presentation that will take advantage of his Scottish ancestry and remodeled proboscis.  That special exception has been granted.  Otherwise, everyone shall be ready to perform on Saturday night, June 27th at the appointed hour.  This year's order will be determined by Random Draw.  Random is new to the AI so please be kind to her (him?).

Handicap Update

It is June 1 and we are less than a month away from the opening ceremonies for AI-XIX.  At the moment, plans for those ceremonies include a videotaped welcome from recently reelected FIFA President Sepp Blatter who has been quite helpful to the AI-Tournament Committee in selecting alternative locations to host the AI.



As of June 1, 2015

Robert Pease:   4.6    [no change]
Mitch Burke:     9.8   [no change]
Rich Heimsch:  10.4  [down .7]
Gordon:           16.5    [up .2]