The day dawned on AI-Monday and one by one the rumpled participants emerged from their various bedrooms looking like the first animals to emerge from the oceans: pale, unsteady on their feet and gasping for air. As everyone returns to normal routines, let's look back on the weekend before it is swept out into the oceans of our memories (note the continued metaphor doubling as non sequitur).
Sunday, the culmination of the intense competition, preparation and ennui of any AI weekend. As you will recall, the golf portion of the AI was as tight as everyone's pants after four nights of AI eating and drinking. The multi-tasking Kathi, BD and co-champ of AI-XX, led Gordon by 1, Rich by 6 and the Director by 9. Once again rotating partners every 6 holes while simultaneously trying to keep the landscape from rotating, the final round began with the AI-XX co-champs taking on Gordon/Rich to determine who would bask in the glow of AI flop sweat. Feeling the pressure of having slept on the lead, or more likely, having slept with Mitch, Kathi got off to a slow start, but Burke rebounded a bit from his abysmal first round performance and the pair posted an opening 19 points. The Gordon/Rich partnership staggered out of the gate to card three 7's and four 6's between them over the opening third and record a mediocre 16 points, increasing Kathi's lead to 4 points with 12 holes to play.
The second third of the second round of the third day of golf on the fourth day of AI-XXI reunited the Round 1 juggernaut of Kathi/Gordon. They came out of the blocks in high gear on their first hole with a blistering 8 points on #7, featuring a birdie 2/net 1 by Gordon and a par 3/net 2 for Kathi. They would cool off a bit, but their 23 points was second on the weekend only to the 25 they combined for in Round 1. The contorted couple Heimsch & Burke were playing something resembling golf until they notched a combined goose egg on #11 and finished the second hexad with 18 points. So, with only 6 holes to play, Kathi maintained her 4 point lead over Gordon while Heimsch & Burke receded into the Easter/Passover afternoon sun, although no one knew precisely where they stood as playing golf was proving difficult enough without the additional burden of addition.
The players came down the home stretch with Kathi hoping against hope that Heimsch would awaken from his golfing torpor and help her get to the finish ahead of Gordon who was leaning on Burke, which was quite painful for Burke, to do the same for him. There is no pressure like AI pressure though. Gordon opened the final stretch with a par & a bogey and when Heimsch & Kathi totaled a zero on 13, it looked as though the pendulum had swung Gordon's way, as fortunately The AI Pendulum Committee had remembered to bring one. Burke made only 1 par over the final 6, but his unlikely bogey 5 on 15 after hitting his first tee shot OB saved 2 points for the team when Gordon's tee shot bounced off a roof and sailed into AI oblivion. Sagging under the intense competition, Kathi/Rich opened with a net zero on 13 & added only a single point on each of 15 &16. Kathi lurched to life on 17 and added 3 points with a net birdie as her teammate flailed in the sand. A two-point finishing hole gave Kathi/Rich a meager 12 points, the lowest team total of the weekend. Gordon roared home with three 7's and three 4's, while Burke notched five 5's and a 4 over the final 6 holes for a team total of 16 points.
Well then. Who won? The AI Scoring Committee convened at AI-HQ immediately after the round and after a careful analysis of the numbers the results were in. Kathi, Gordon & Burke were in with 104 points while Heimsch rolled in with 100. What? How the hell did Burke get in the mix? And why was he dumb enough to make the putts on 15 & 18 that dropped his wife into a tie with the feckless Gordon? More importantly where was AI Mathematician Bob Paze?
In Paze's absence, The Scoring Committee devised a playoff format for the 3 players eliminating the 4th place finisher from the total points. So, just Kathi/Burke; Kathi/Gordon and Gordon/Burke. When those numbers were tallied, the results were clear: Burke had 68 points, Gordon had 80 and the AI had a repeat champion in Kathi with 84 points. Hurrah!
And so, it was on to The Banquet. But first, there would be 4 or 5 bottles of Chardonnay and Sauvignon Blanc, a couple of beers a handful of Manhattans for Gordon, Reef & Burke and some AI Shuffleboard on the newly minted court. The mood was set.
And what a Banquet it was. The Banquet Director had turned over much of the prep to the Banquet Department: Nora, Sean, Kate & Emma, because she was busy kicking ass in the golf tournament. The group put together a menu featuring (and spilling half of) a corn-goat cheese soup with shrimp & brown butter mushrooms, followed by spring heritage pork roast, potatoes au gratin, asparagus, salad, tarte satin with vanilla ice cream and 8, maybe 9, bottles of various varietals of red wine, it was a spectacular success. How would everyone get to sleep with all the adrenaline and excitement of AI Sunday? How? Videos from AI Productions, of course! We watched a few AI-XX compilations that were received as if they'd never been seen, which gave the AI Productions staff the idea that perhaps it wasn't necessary to produce new material every year. Regardless, it was on to a couple of new efforts: "Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes" a moving documentary that explored the deepest reaches of the inevitable, followed by the debut of "Stanhattan", a sweeping tour de farce destined to be studied for years as scholars examine the AI as part of a longitudinal study of the causes of early onset brain damage.
Next? The annual Awards Ceremony, again emceed by the inexplicably esteemed and extemporaneously gifted Reef. He presented awards destined for storage containers to the 4-Ball Champions, Kathi & Heimsch, the Bowling For Sotweeds Champions, Edie and himself, the Lack of Skills winner, Burke, and of course, as detailed in agonizing detail above, the
Champion of AI-XXI, Kathi. And it was time for bed. Perchance to sleep.
Postscript: if you've managed to remain conscious while reading this, you might be wondering how the hell Burke came from 9 points behind to finish in a 3-way tie? The Scoring Committee awoke this morning with an urge to check its arithmetic. Morning math. Where was someone who could add? Paze? Paze? Bueller? As The Committee feared and any 2nd grader can plainly see, of Kathi's scores of 60-54, Gordon's 59-55 and Burke's 51-53, only one actually totals 104. The Committee brought in an outside auditor, just back from the Academy Awards, to confirm the math, and there was obviously only a 2-way tie for the championship: Kathi and Gordon at 114. The Committee then went to the scorecards for a scorecard playoff, and despite the scorecards initial refusal to participate, here's what happened: 18th hole, Round 2, total net: Kathi/Heimsch: 2; Gordon/Burke: 2. On to 17. Kathi's 4 for 2 was good for 3 points, while Gordon's 4 for 3 was only good for 2 and, if we look at each player's individual points, it's Kathi with 60 and Gordon with 54, so........thank the stars up above, we do not need to reassemble for a reprise of the Awards Ceremony.
Kathi IS the Champion of AI-XXI!!
And, now we just gave Cleo 6 or 7 pounds of leftovers and it's time for a nap. Until we meet again.....
