It Was A Couple of Days

They came. They drank. They lip synced.  They also played golf, bowled and played shuffleboard.  Gordon & Mitch were throttled by Kathi & Rich in the 4-Ball competition, dealing the former  their first loss in this event in AI history and raising the question of what Title IX has done to the comfortable male hegemony in the AI and what can be done to make The AI great again.

Friday night's bowling similarly brought with it a controversy in that Reef, the erstwhile  and self satisfied technophobe, claimed that the bowling computer made an error and failed to record his spare in the first frame of game 1.  When he ended up on the short end of a 1 pin difference with AI tyro Tom Korpolinski, he brought this protest before the BFS Committee.  After due diligence & interviews with other players in this Lexi Thompson-esque (Ernie) imbroglio , The Committee has ruled in Reef's favor, turning his 1 pin deficit into an 8 pin victory, his 9th title.  There was similar drama on the women's side of the lanes as perennial champion Edie was tied by another newcomer, Christina Korpolinski, who was sporting her very own bowling shoes because in her words "I bowled once."  Edie and Christina's 210 was 2 pins clear of 3rd place finisher Kathi and insured that Edie's undefeated streak remained intact.

Round 1 of The AI Golf Championship was played, to use the term loosely, at Bay Hill under somewhat blustery conditions and with something less than skill.  The rotating partners format provided each player an opportunity to not only torpedo their own chances but to sabotage those of their partner(s) as well.  The opening pair of Kathi/Gordon raced out in 25 points leaving Rich/Mitch 7 points behind after the first 6 holes, a deficit from which they would not recover.  The second pairings saw Kathi add 18 points to her total with her partner Rich, while Mitch dragged Gordon down to a mere 16 points.  The final pairings seemed to favor the formidable husband/wife duo, winner of several titles at Bay Hill, but no, Mitch again dragged his partner down, this time to 17 points, including hole #16 where the duo recorded zero (0) points.  Rich was reasonably steady, at least in the context of the group, and Gordon played the final 6 in 7 over par (gross) which, for this group, was tantamount to scaling Everest on the back of a yak with a television strapped to one's back.  And so, Round 1 ended with Kathi on top with 60 points, followed closely by Gordon with 59, Rich 6 back at 54 and Mitch muddling in the basement with 51.

Yet another formidable feast of Italian specialties was proffered by The Banquet Director along with several gallons of wine, some of which ended up on the right shoulder of The Director who temporarily forgot he was holding a glass of wine in his right hand when saluting the group as they sat down to eat.

Dinner was followed by the hotly anticipated 4th iteration of the AI Lip Sync Challenge.  This year's maelstrom began with Mitch's rendition of the 60's maudlin "Tell Laura I Love Her."  This tale of death and destruction set a mood of gaiety that would inform the rest of the proceedings and was followed, in no particular order, by Edie channeling Odetta, Reef's wistful rendition of Two Tons of Steel's "Not That Lucky", Heimsch's self examination, "People Are Strange", Kathi's barn burning evocation of Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now", Emma reaching across generations with Otis Redding's "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay", Nora and her Pips taking "The Midnight Train to Georgia" (woo woo), Gordon again trying to infuse this bacchanal with a hint of culture performing "Imaginary Landscape 4" by John Cage, a piece for 12 radios, 24 performers and director.  We settled for Gordon and a boombox. And Sean, with help from Alexander Hamilton (Kate G) delivering an emotive performance of "Satisfied" from an obscure eponymous Broadway show.  The program concluded with a solo version of the classic duet "Closer to Fine" by our own Indigo Girl, Kate G.

It's Easter Sunday at AI-XXI and, on cue, everyone is risen.  Some staring blankly at English Premier League football on the telly while others are staring blankly at the Sunday NYT.  Round 2 awaits.

It's Only A Day Away

A Tradition Like No Other

This past weekend many of us were again glued to our DVR's for the riveting drama that can only be provided by white men grappling with the vicissitudes of the human condition.  Yes, it was Shields & Brooks killing time before their Friday Martinis on the PBS NewsHour.  How do you get that job anyway?  But then it was on to that other, annual, bastion of pretension and privilege:  The Masters.  Friends, it was a weekend like every other.   Despite the fact that 98.7% of the members at Augusta National believe that global warming IS a plot by the Chinese, the azaleas bloomed 3 weeks ago, leaving only the canned bird chirping and the most men you'll see in green jackets outside of a leprechaun costume party to remind us of what we were watching.  Oh, and Jim Nantz.  The Sultan of Smarm.  

There was some drama as Sergio Garcia finally won a major. Not because it had taken him so long, but because it wasn't clear if the local ICE agents know that not everyone who speaks Spanish is Mexican and might deport him before he could don the second most coveted jacket in golf.

It is with this in mind that we remember the welcome from the AI Chairman to AI-XV:

The Time is Nigh

Apparently "nigh" is an actual word as auto-correct has left it unchanged rather than change it to, say, "neigh" or "sigh" or "night" or "nitwit".  But, we digress.

There has been some apprehension expressed among the AI cognoscenti regarding the relative paucity of communications emanating from AI HQ considering how nigh AI-XXI is.  Fact is, the AI Director of Publicity, having recently retired from his long-standing job moonlighting at a local sign and awards store, no longer has all that time at work to waste doing other things that were done in an effort to avoid working.  The Director's time is currently consumed almost exclusively with things that the Director wants to do, leaving precious little time for the exhaustingly critical preparation that must be done each year.  Instead, the Director has frittered away his time reading, playing golf & eating/drinking.  The new holy trinity.

But, as whomever ghost wrote Macbeth said "Let every Stan be master of his time until 7 at night".  After that, it's time for TV.

And now, without further ado,  AI Productions presents "AI-XXI:  Coming Soon"  Really soon; like a week from tomorrow soon.  Guess we better get the 100 wine bottles off of the bed in the guest room.

Madame President's Cup

While purportedly working diligently to ensure a smooth transition at ODM, the Vice President Emeritus proved herself no slave to contract law and scurried to the Charger 9 at Bay Hill for the annual battle for the coveted President's Cup.  Building what proved to be an insurmountable lead in Round 1, the AI-XX co-champion coasted to victory in Round 2 against a formidable field of women, some of whom played golf.  Sadly, our esteemed Banquet Director was denied the traditional champion's picture with Arnold Palmer who was unavailable.  

Shrink Wrapped in Orlando

As we lurch towards AI-XXI, the AI Legacy Committee continues its unenviable task of insuring that the AI not be consigned to the dustbin of history but rather to the hard drive of delusion.

This year, in celebration of the XXIst playing of the Apartment Invitational, a larger than life statue of a famous golf personality will be unveiled in between the 1st and 10th tees at the Bay Hill Club.  Who is it? We invite you to hazard (get it?) a guess based on past performances at The AI that could be statue worthy.

The XXI Club

It is time to turn our attention from the scant weeks that may remain of western civilization as we know it, refuse to grow up and concentrate on childish things (1 Stan: 2016).  It is thus that The AI Planning Committee hesitantly announces that the AI will be resurrected (check your calendar) in its XXIst iteration from 13 April - 17 April (we are practicing using European nomenclature in anticipation of an AI HQ in exile).

And so let the word go forth from this time and place, to all Stans, young and old alike, that, tempered by wine & beer, disciplined by a hard & bitter election, proud of our absurd AI heritage--and unwilling to witness or permit the slow undoing of our annual gathering to which we have always been committed, and to which we are committed today, we are going to do this again. And likely be committed

                        AI-XXI....APRIL 13-17, 2016

                      THE AI IS RISEN