Let's See, Where Were We.....?

Hey kids, only 10 months to AI-XX!!  Would you believe 8 months?

Now, where were we?  Ah yes, Sunday.  The big day.  The Banquet.  The videos.  The swag.  We began the day by waking up.  We ate great food provided by the BD.  We resisted the urge to go back to bed.  We should have.

The Banquet was, of course, a shimmering success, with three Beer Can Chickens seated at the head of the Banquet Table along with The Banquet Director her ownself.  We ate and drank our fill.   Everyone was still buzzing about the near epic performances during the previous night's Lip Sync Competition and a clamor arose, as did some smoke coming from the pool deck, to air the video so we could thrill once again to our unbridled talents.  And it was so.   The performances aged well and had lost none of their luster after an entire day.  Stan then forced the captive crowd to sit through several new videos from AI Productions including "Hey, XIX," "It Was a Very AI Year" and "The Most Interesting Stan(s) in the World." And thus did AI-XIX inexorably move toward its inevitable and redundant close.

And that was Sunday.

But wait there was more.  Is it buoyancy?  That the AI is simply not as buoyant as, say, the average watermelon?  No, that's not it.  It's a four letter word.  Beer?  Plenty of it, but that's not it.  Wine? Same, but no.  Golf?  Yes, that's it, then it's the hundred hour war won by Gor!

Against the better judgment of some, the fearful fivesome headed to Shingle Creek for the ultimate round of AI-XIX.  You will remember (of course) that there was an unprecedented 3-way tie at the top after Saturday's marathon at Falcon's Fire with Rich, Wally and Gordon all posting net 76 with Burke mired 4 shots back.  With Sunday's handicaps factored in, Gordon began the day with a 6 shot lead over Rich, a daunting 10 shots in front of Burke and an implausible 12 in front of Paze.  But we're talking about Gordon and the AI.  Things change faster than Donald Trump's hairline.  When play was halted for about 30 minutes after 4 holes due to heavy rain, the real question became if the group would be able to finish before dark on the 4th longest day of the year.   Past proved prologue, the lead proved tenuous, and after 8 holes, Burke had made up the 10 shot stagger on Gordon with Heimsch only 1 back after his meltdown triple on #8.  Paze was presciently disinterested.   The Ranger at Shingle Creek was interested, however.  He had warned the AI Boys about their (lack of) pace of play before the rain began and became downright ornery as they prepared to play their 2nd shots on the ninth.   Gordon & Paze, always obedient, finished the hole forthwith with pars, the ever acquiescent Burke tapped in forthfifth with a bogey and when Heimsch did the same, Paze and Reef announced that they were heading to the bar and not to the 10th tee.  Gordon took a look at the scoreboard and noticing he held the 27-hole lead, had an AI-I flashback and quickly decided to join Wally and Jim.  With weather and the ranger threatening to upend the final 9,  Burke followed suit leaving Heimsch to go along or walk back to HQ.  After a long pause, he chose to get in the Official Car.
And thus was Gordon crowned AI Champion for the first time in 18 years - the longest span between victories in AI history.
And, more importantly, the only player with two asterisks.

Our Champion

Saturday - AI-XIX

We played golf for 6+ hours, we sat through a thunderstorm, we drank some wine, we ate an Italian feast for the ages and then.......LIP SYNC.  OMG did everybody bring it!  There will be no championship - everyone won.  It was crazy good.  Mitch & Jim set the tone with the first ever lip and bass sync.....of themselves;  The smarmy BJRE classic - "Do You Wanna Dance."

Gordon led off the night with an exercise in discursive narrative that had the participants wondering if he should be in jail rather than the classroom. He was followed by one after another after another of absolutely stunning performances ranging from Carrie Underwood (Sean) & fucking Sam Smith (Kate) to Rihanna (MFB), the the Doors (Rich), Barbara Streisand (Kathi), an incredible rendition of "Proud Mary" courtesy of Ike & Tina Savoie, the return of 'Rocky Raccoon' (Wally),  a tender 'Leader of the Pack' (Nora), Emma transitioning from Eminem to Paris Hilton with assistance from Connor and Reef wrapping things up with an operatic turn from Jay & the Americans.

As an aside, the group voted unanimously to not view themselves performing at last year's inaugural event.

Golf?  An unprecedented 3-way tie at the top at net 76 and then in solo 4th, Burke.  There were few highlights, but Paze chipped in for birdie on 13 at the precise moment that Reef decided he'd seen enough and took the video camera to the 14th tee.  Wally would make another birdie - the only 2 amongst this undistinguished group.  Heimsch was moving along nicely until an unexpected crash at the 125 yard par 3 15th brought him back to the pack.

Bagels, lox, cream cheese, coffee, V8 and shards of glass from the shattered wine vessel (courtesy of Stan) and we begin the final day of action at Shingle Creek.

AI-XIX Through Friday

The Opening Day of AI-XIX got off to a rocky start.  Gordon, after threatening to attend the Opening Ceremonies, was duped into staying in Sarasota to file imaginary reviews of papers that have not been written.  Wally arrived on time.  Jim also arrived on time but was stranded at OIA for over an hour due to a ferocious thunderstorm that closed the airport and kept Wally & Mitch on the shoulder of the road for 30 minutes because of zero visibility.  The Official AI Car scooped up the Reef and headed back to HQ awaiting word from Heimsch who woke up in Tampa.

The group, sans Sean or perhaps Sean sans, made their way to Yellow Dog Eats along with the revealed mystery guest:  Sue Landskroener who immediately fell prey to the wit, wisdom and infectious charm of The AI.

A quick recap of Friday's action:

The Four Ball:  Burke & Paze won the 18th hole to force the second tie in a row in this event, this time with Heimsch & Gordon.  Heimsch played a stellar backside (?) that included 3 consecutive birdies and a total of 38.  Meanwhile, Kathi & Jim played 18 in approximately 2 hours less than the previously mentioned 4 some.  We are working on a best ball medal total for all 3 twosomes and will have the winner between the 3 groups tomorrow.  The tentative name for the tournament is 

"The AI Team Medal Championship suggested by Bob Paze."

Bowling For Sotweeds:  In one of the great upsets in BFS history, Burke had an out of body experience and rolled the 3rd highest series in the long annals of this event (306) to edge out Gordon andwrest his 2nd title from the perennial leader, JBR.  Edie extended her dominance with another win on the alley to the right.

Everyone  then cried with laughter for 40+ minutes by "The Wit (?) & Wisdom (?) of The Reef" - an hilarious live account of AI-XVIII action or facsimile thereof.

AI-XVIII Champ Heimsch's dramatic entrance at Yellow Dog Eats

Dinner at Yellow Dog 

Here We Go

Banquet Department In High Gear

The Banquet Director was in high gear this past weekend barking out directions and mapping strategies for her Department.  Tasks included shopping at every supermarket within a 10 mile radius; using every pot, pan and utensil in the Banquet Department's arsenal; and handcrafting the components of the meals to come.  The Banquet Department is a highly skilled Department dedicated to the task of providing the attendees of AI-XIX with meals that exceed even their already high expectations.  The Banquet Department currently consists of......Kathi.

Herewith a few photos of the weekend's prep for the return of the much revered Italian Night; which, to be clear, refers not to the server but rather to the food to be served.

AI Announces 4-Ball Pairings for AI-XIX

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Orlando, FL - Here amidst the sweltering lizards and blistering roaches, The AI announces the pairings for this year's Four Ball match.  The Greatest Living 4-Ball Champion in AI history, Gordon, and his astounding 12-3-2 record will be paired this year with the event's least accomplished competitor, Heimsch (2-8-2) whose only two victories have come, unsurprisingly, when paired with Gordon.  As a team, Gordon & Heimsch are 2-2.  They will face the unit of Paze (3-5-1) & Burke (8-7-3) who are an equally pedestrian 1-1 as a team.

Where: The 'regrassing' (a term borrowed from The Apartment) project currently underway at Bay Hill has thrown the AI Planning Committee into a tizzy of regrouping, reorganizing and the usual regretting.  The result?  The AI-XIX Four-Ball Championship will be held on the Charger at Bay Hill.   The 'front' nine will be contested from the Blue tees and the 'back' nine from the yellows.

With the 'big' course closed, the AI will have something approaching carte blanche (that's French for white golf cart) on the Charger for both the 4-Ball and LOS, should anyone still be breathing after the sweat box effect of 18 holes in Orlando in late June.

More.  After a long winter of negotiations marked by periods of optimism interspersed with ennui, The AI can now officially announce that the champion of AI-X, James "Reef" Reifsnyder will be returning to the field of play for the first time since his 'retirement' halfway through the final round of AI-XIV.  As if that were not enough to stoke the fires of the AI's cadre of rabid fans, he will be joined on the grassy knolls and sandy divots by The Banquet Director, expanding her reach from the past two LOS contests.

One might ask, a la David Byrne:  "how will we work this?"

At the suggestion of the returning Reef, we will add him to one twosome and the BD to the other and play as two groups of three [threesomes just didn't sit well in the initial draft].  The match will still be between the twosomes mentioned above.  That they will be playing in different groups presents some measure of difficulty in tracking the progress of said match.  The AI Logistics & Format Committee is working as we speak to divine how best to stage the Championship.

Final Handicap Report

Well, a years worth of flailing at golf balls has yielded the final handicap report for AI-XIX, now a scant 10 days away.  In the two weeks since the last glance at the mediocrity of the three players not named Pease, we notice a trend; a trend heading in the wrong direction.  Tournament Director  Burke leads the march upward after a string of abysmal performances spanning 4 golf courses and two states during which he has not struck the ball less than 95 times in any round, has posted scores of 50 or more in 5 of his last 8 nines and has suffered 25 penalty shots.  Some might question his motivation, but need only consult the Banquet Director who bore witness to 3 of the 4 debacles.

Paze has added nearly a stroke to his handicap index, although it still bears the scarlet 'R' of the USGA.  The AI Handicap Committee will be in consultation with the USGA to determine the best way to equitably control this player's propensity for rising to the occasion.

Heimsch added half a shot to his index,  which was enough to keep him trailing Burke but now by the slimmest of margins:  one tenth of a shot.

Gordon was the only combatant who apparently does not understand the concept of preparing for a big tournament as he lowered his index by nearly a half a point.  That move combined with the upward moves of the other 3 scalawags leaves us with a slightly reduced range of indexes (indices?) for the 19th running of the balls.

There has been much interest in the venues for AI-XIX.  We have entertained suggestions ranging from miniature golf to staying at HQ and watching other people play golf on the tee wee.  But, after careful consideration, the AI Venue Committee has settled on two courses that have previous experience hosting the AI.  The requirements to stage an AI are simply too complex to expect an inexperienced club to be able to handle it properly.  Also, no one else would let us play.

Round 1 will be played at Falcon's Fire Golf Club, scene of the 4-Ball in AI-IV, V and XIV as well as Round 2 of AI-II and Round 1 of AI-XI.

Round 2 will take place at Shingle Creek Golf Club, host of the AI-X 4-Ball and winter home club of Paze.

Here then, the numbers:

As of June 15, 2015
                                                 FF       SC
Robert Pease:   5.3    [+ .7]         6          6
Mitch Burke:     10.8   [+ 1]        12        12
Rich Heimsch:   10.9   [+ .5]       13        12
Gordon:           16.1    [- .4]        19        18

FF = Falcon's Fire
SC = Shingle Creek

For comparison, these were the player indexes for AI-XVIII, one year ago.  A quick glance informs us that the players have studied, taken lessons, adjusted swings, read articles, watched Golf Channel and contorted through all sorts of mental gymnastics for naught.  Even MFB, prior to his recent spasm, would have been within .5 of his AI-XVIII index.


             AI-XVIII  INDEX  

PAZE              5.7          
MFB                9.3          
HEIMSCH         11         
GORDON          16