Wednesday, March 17, 2010

AI - role model

the events of the day in sports again confirm what the sports punditocracy knows all too well: if one is looking for role models in sports, look no further than the AI. No one has ever been punched in the groin; arrested for duct-taping 8 people & stealing their cash or having sex with, well, anyone.

Herewith, today's news from the moral high ground known as NCAA basketball:

"Seton Hall dismissed Coach Bobby Gonzalez on Wednesday, ending his tumultuous four-year tenure a day after an ignominious first-round loss in the National Invitation Tournament and the arrest of a player who had been kicked off the team.

Gonzalez was 66-59 in four seasons at the university, and his teams failed to make the N.C.A.A. tournament field in all four seasons. He received a contract extension last year, which was to run through 2015, but his future was clouded by dissatisfaction with Gonzalez’s fiery personality.

The loss to Texas Tech on Tuesday night was marred by the ejection of the star forward Herb Pope, who punched an opposing player in the groin. Gonzalez also received his seventh technical foul of the season.

Also Tuesday, a Pirates player, Robert Mitchell, was arrested in Newark and charged with kidnapping, robbery, burglary and possession of a weapon, according to a law enforcement official in Essex County. Mitchell was accused along with another person of breaking into a house in South Orange, duct-taping eight people and stealing cash and personal items. The police have not identified the other person. "

For those into ball busting, look here:

Monday, March 15, 2010

Breakthrough - revised

I have fixed the link to the article. Sorry for the bad path.

As we have pointed out in a previous post, the AI takes great pride in its charitable work. It is with this in mind, that we are thrilled to announce a potential major breakthrough for the official charity of the AI, Peyronie's disease. Additionally, if you have a crooked finger from, say, jamming a wine glass through your hand, this also may be of interest.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/16/business/16hand.html?ref=business

Friday, March 5, 2010

Underway


AI-XIV has begun. Heimsch's plane arrived 20 minutes 'early' but he didn't actually load into the Official Car until almost 30 minutes after the posted arrival time. Those Southwest Airlines kids are funny like that. After several errands up & down the always entertaining South Orange Blossom Trail, we made our way to The Apartment to find that the Toyota Avalon of Reef & Kate had come to a stop. Thankfully, in our driveway. After 20 or 30 minutes of unloading dog beds, dog toys, dog food, dog clothes and some golf clubs the Pottstown duo settled in. Soon after, the Banquet Director joined in and we were officially underway.
Nora joined in and we were feted with a rapturous dinner of chicken & lentils with fresh asparagus topped off with pound cake, fresh strawberries and cream. We might have had a glass of wine or two as well.
The dogs have habituated. The cat has not.
Stay tuned. 4-Ball tomorrow, followed by meat & bowling.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

AI Eve


'twas the night before AI-XIV and all through the house
stood posters and bottles and trophies and balls and tees and CDs and DVDs and....

As AI-XIV looms before us like an SUV being driven by a moron talking/texting on a cellphone, we reflect.

Jim & Kate are motoring south, stopping at various historic sites to reenact Civil War battles and have a sandwich. Moreover, and this could be the biggest news of the yet to begin AI - they have a GPS unit in their car. Really. And a laptop.

Gordon is preparing by playing softball rather than golf. We expect a long list of injuries and a large bottle of pills.

Rich has implied that he has taken delivery of a secret weapon that will lead him to victory assuming he has untangled himself from his Villegas putt reading posture.

Mitch has met again with the Handicap Committee and, like 'read my lips' Bush 41 is amending the Final Handicaps that were posted last week.

Herewith, the final final handicaps for AI-XIV**

REEF: 21
GORDON: 20
HEIMSCH: 16
BURKE: 12
**-subject to revision if we have third thoughts about it.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

The AI Gives Back

The Apartment Invitational is proud of its concern for those less fortunate in our community. Over the years, the Executive Committee has felt it better to make a firm commitment to one organization, rather than shrink our impact by spreading ourselves too thin.

We know there are many organizations worthy of your support. It is with great pride, then, that we announce the AI's continued support and the full faith and commitment of our resources to the Peyronie's Disease Institute. We hope you will help us make a difference again this year.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Fore(play)caddies

With the understanding that Bay Hill will almost certainly be cart path only for AI-XIV, our steering committee always has its radar out for ways to make the AI more enjoyable for our competitors and maintain our position as one of the premier tournaments in the world. It is with that in mind, and only that, that (that's a lot of 'thats') that we present our newest corporate partner: http://www.playgolfdesigns.com/

Friday, February 26, 2010

The Will to Prepare (sic)


Although a decorated educator, the AI-X champion is apparently nearly incapable of navigating through the internetz even though Pre-K children are crawling around day care centers around the world with laptops strapped to their backs.

Herewith, then, an entry from the Reef (who doesn't want to win):
I first heard it from the great Robert Montgomery Knight: “Everybody has the will to win, it’s the will to prepare that counts”. And, largely I suppose because my mother told me every day that, “You don’t have to be like everybody else”, I have very little will to win. Ah, but the will to prepare? Herewith enclosed is a shot captured surreptitiously by intrepid paparazzi and noted snoop Kate Van Antwerp Holmes Reifsnyder. It is proof positive that the Champion of AI-X, despite a dusting of 16 inches of wind-driven snow, is in full “preparation” mode. Notice how still my lower body is.

Tiger Gets Ludacris

advice for the digital age

Errata

It has been brought to our attention that Weeds is, in fact, not a member of the exclusive AI legacy club as she apparently was not in attendance last year for
AI-XIII.
This brings to mind the AI Zen mantra:
If the AI goes on but everyone is passed out did it really happen?

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Breaking News


The Apartment Invitational press office has just learned that Sean Eva "Weeds" Burke will be attending AI-XIV. Her publicist initially announced that she would be in LA during the AI and unavailable to sleep on an air mattress underneath her mother's office desk. But, it is now being reported that she has made the decision to attend her 15th consecutive AI. 15? Yes, for one year, the AI emulated Major League Baseball's 1960's debacle of having two All-Star Games by staging a 2nd AI - dubbed 2.0. After the Banquet Director threatened to castrate each participant, one by one, in their sleep,if it ever happened again, it was unanimously decided to return to the annual format.
Sean therefore remains an AI legacy. One of only five people to have attended each AI. The other four, of course, are James B. "Reef" "Rife" Reifsnyder; Kathaleen T. Marinari; Edith E. "Weedith" Horsey; and yours truly, Mitchell F. "King Dipshit" Burke.
It should be noted that Sean, a senior at the far left's darling Wesleyan University, will turn 22 years of age on Tuesday, just two days before AI-XIV. I know you will join me in congratulating her on her decision to have another birthday subsumed by the cacophony of the AI.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Penultimate Handicap Report


After finally acceding to the repeated requests (sic) of the future AI-X Champion and making the championship a net event, the AI Handicap Committee has consistently struggled to assign proper handicaps. There is one player who has an actual up-to-date USGA handicap; another player used to have one and has posted scores fairly reliably, although an entire year is missing; a third plays regularly but is too cheap to pony up the $30 to establish a true number while the fourth player has to look back to the early 1980's to come up with the requisite 20 scores.

So. So what? So this. The Committee has enlisted the help of the Bay Hill Golf Professional staff and has come up with the following handicaps for the AI-XIV field - based primarily on AI scores but with other factors added in to insure a lack of fairness and integrity in this year's competition.

Here, then, are the final handicaps for AI-XIV (with the exception of Burke, who will receive an update on 3/1):

REIFSNYDER: 24
BAUER: 23
HEIMSCH: 16
BURKE: 12

Please send all inquiries, complaints and inappropriate comments to Arnold.Palmer@bahyill.com

NOTE TO THE NOT SO COMPUTER SAVVY: Don't forget you can click on the link to The Apartment Invitational at the bottom of your email to see the ACTUAL BLOG where you can post carefully constructed comments.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Local Warming


The coldest winter that anyone in Orlando can remember showed signs of abating this weekend. Temperatures soared into the 70's which prompted the AI Physical Plant to change the water, wipe down the shell and turn on the motor of the hot tub. The tub has sat incongruously dormant while we have shivered through the uncommonly frigid Florida winter. Now that the weather is warming, it seemed equally absurd and therefore necessary to fire it up. Much to our surprise, the jets gurgled to life when the breaker was flipped.

The fact that it has been cold in Orlando is also obvious evidence that the idea of human assisted global warming is a nefarious conspiracy perpetrated by a left wing cabal whose only goal is to sell hybrid cars and moisture wicking polyester shirts. That there is virtually no snow in Vancouver or Buffalo is, by comparison, just an anomaly.

By the way, If anyone is missing an official AI slipper, please see the concierge upon check-in for AI-XIV.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Moral Standards


The AI has just learned that Tiger Woods will be speaking to a small group of friends, colleagues and close associates at 11 a.m. ET Friday at the TPC Sawgrass Clubhouse in Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida. Tiger plans to discuss his past and his future and he plans to apologize for his behavior.

I have informed Mark Steinberg, Tiger's representative, that the AI will not be in attendance due to the intense planning currently underway for AI-XIV and more importantly because the AI does not want to tarnish its reputation by associating with men of questionable character. We will hold to our tradition of character that is unquestionably lacking.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Our Civic Duty

The AI is proud of its long history of civic responsibility. Today, to further demonstrate that commitment, I, your continuously belittled Director, forsook the high holiday known as President's Day, forsook attending to our 20 year old business empire, forsook work on AI-XIV to show the people of the world that I and, by association, all of us at the AI place our respect and concern for our fellow citizens above the self serving monotony of our daily existences. Additionally, I had to go or I would have been arrested.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Heimsch vs Daly


Does Heimsch's report re being fatter than John Daly bode poorly for our 4 Ball Match with Gordon & Reef?

Daly and celebrity pro-am partner Tony Romo are tied for 65th place in the AT&T Pro-Am. Romo - not an actual golfer, mind you - finished four shots better than Daly. Who says Romo will never play in February?

Monday, February 8, 2010

Where is Tiger?

Tiger is still not back. In fact, no one knows where he is nor what he is doing, not to mention with whom. Osama bin Laden is like Ryan Seacrest compared to this guy. I've left several tins of AI-XIII M&M's in our locker at Bay Hill in an attempt to provide him some succor while his life burns on across the blogoverse, but nothing.

The AI Executive Committee, as always, took a measured view of the scandal. The Committee members did not look fondly upon his Escalade escapades but did mention that they would like copies of any photographs so they could be vetted for authenticity.

Oh, btw, something went techno-wrong trying to upload video to the previous post. The AI-IT team is on it and will hopefully have the video for you later tonight.

Inside a Month

There is less than a month before we reconnoiter for our annual waltz through the weeds. Through the use of our advance scouting team here at AI HQ, we have been made aware of each player's idiosyncratic mode of preparation.

Heimsch is currently puddling through Europe and the UK in the middle of a month-long mind meld with Tila Tequila while Gordon has embarked on his unique training trajectory of gradually getting worse with each round. His latest report featured 7 penalty shots on the opening 9 holes although to be fair, some of those shots were apparently pretty close to being on the golf course and with more liberal playing partners (in golf?) he would have certainly broken 100. Reefer, of course, starts as always by simply trying to locate his clubs after which he will begin the brutish task of removing the remains of last year's chicken salad sandwich from his sweat-stained AI hat.

Let's relive one of the glorious moments of AI-XIII - roll the tape.


Sunday, January 10, 2010

The Cold War

Temperatures never made it above 37 yesterday - a first in our 20 years in O'town. Bay Hill was closed all day even though 4 Canadian lodge guests insisted they were ready to play 9. Only somewhat better today - highs in the mid-40's. No opportunity to practice which should keep my handicap in keen AI position.

John Daly has lost over 100 lbs and is available '24-7' to talk to Tiger whenever Tiger needs him. You know you're nearing rock bottom when John Daly is offering his counseling.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Clarification


In case the image was not clear yesterday. (1) you may click on it to see the raw data or; (2) you may look at this graphic representation (I hope - still learning the format).

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


Six months of painstaking work on the course and the driving range in preparation of AI-XIV is paying real dividends. I don't think my game has ever been in this kind of shape this close to the tournament. If the trend continues, I feel that I'll be a worthy adversary to my dear competitors.