The AI Gives Back

The Apartment Invitational is proud of its concern for those less fortunate in our community. Over the years, the Executive Committee has felt it better to make a firm commitment to one organization, rather than shrink our impact by spreading ourselves too thin.

We know there are many organizations worthy of your support. It is with great pride, then, that we announce the AI's continued support and the full faith and commitment of our resources to the Peyronie's Disease Institute. We hope you will help us make a difference again this year.

Fore(play)caddies

With the understanding that Bay Hill will almost certainly be cart path only for AI-XIV, our steering committee always has its radar out for ways to make the AI more enjoyable for our competitors and maintain our position as one of the premier tournaments in the world. It is with that in mind, and only that, that (that's a lot of 'thats') that we present our newest corporate partner: http://www.playgolfdesigns.com/

The Will to Prepare (sic)

Although a decorated educator, the AI-X champion is apparently nearly incapable of navigating through the internetz even though Pre-K children are crawling around day care centers around the world with laptops strapped to their backs.

Herewith, then, an entry from the Reef (who doesn't want to win):
I first heard it from the great Robert Montgomery Knight: “Everybody has the will to win, it’s the will to prepare that counts”. And, largely I suppose because my mother told me every day that, “You don’t have to be like everybody else”, I have very little will to win. Ah, but the will to prepare? Herewith enclosed is a shot captured surreptitiously by intrepid paparazzi and noted snoop Kate Van Antwerp Holmes Reifsnyder. It is proof positive that the Champion of AI-X, despite a dusting of 16 inches of wind-driven snow, is in full “preparation” mode. Notice how still my lower body is.

Tiger Gets Ludacris

advice for the digital age

Errata

It has been brought to our attention that Weeds is, in fact, not a member of the exclusive AI legacy club as she apparently was not in attendance last year for
AI-XIII.
This brings to mind the AI Zen mantra:
If the AI goes on but everyone is passed out did it really happen?

Breaking News

The Apartment Invitational press office has just learned that Sean Eva "Weeds" Burke will be attending AI-XIV. Her publicist initially announced that she would be in LA during the AI and unavailable to sleep on an air mattress underneath her mother's office desk. But, it is now being reported that she has made the decision to attend her 15th consecutive AI. 15? Yes, for one year, the AI emulated Major League Baseball's 1960's debacle of having two All-Star Games by staging a 2nd AI - dubbed 2.0. After the Banquet Director threatened to castrate each participant, one by one, in their sleep,if it ever happened again, it was unanimously decided to return to the annual format.
Sean therefore remains an AI legacy. One of only five people to have attended each AI. The other four, of course, are James B. "Reef" "Rife" Reifsnyder; Kathaleen T. Marinari; Edith E. "Weedith" Horsey; and yours truly, Mitchell F. "King Dipshit" Burke.
It should be noted that Sean, a senior at the far left's darling Wesleyan University, will turn 22 years of age on Tuesday, just two days before AI-XIV. I know you will join me in congratulating her on her decision to have another birthday subsumed by the cacophony of the AI.

Penultimate Handicap Report

After finally acceding to the repeated requests (sic) of the future AI-X Champion and making the championship a net event, the AI Handicap Committee has consistently struggled to assign proper handicaps. There is one player who has an actual up-to-date USGA handicap; another player used to have one and has posted scores fairly reliably, although an entire year is missing; a third plays regularly but is too cheap to pony up the $30 to establish a true number while the fourth player has to look back to the early 1980's to come up with the requisite 20 scores.

So. So what? So this. The Committee has enlisted the help of the Bay Hill Golf Professional staff and has come up with the following handicaps for the AI-XIV field - based primarily on AI scores but with other factors added in to insure a lack of fairness and integrity in this year's competition.

Here, then, are the final handicaps for AI-XIV (with the exception of Burke, who will receive an update on 3/1):

REIFSNYDER: 24
BAUER: 23
HEIMSCH: 16
BURKE: 12

Please send all inquiries, complaints and inappropriate comments to Arnold.Palmer@bahyill.com

NOTE TO THE NOT SO COMPUTER SAVVY: Don't forget you can click on the link to The Apartment Invitational at the bottom of your email to see the ACTUAL BLOG where you can post carefully constructed comments.

Local Warming

The coldest winter that anyone in Orlando can remember showed signs of abating this weekend. Temperatures soared into the 70's which prompted the AI Physical Plant to change the water, wipe down the shell and turn on the motor of the hot tub. The tub has sat incongruously dormant while we have shivered through the uncommonly frigid Florida winter. Now that the weather is warming, it seemed equally absurd and therefore necessary to fire it up. Much to our surprise, the jets gurgled to life when the breaker was flipped.

The fact that it has been cold in Orlando is also obvious evidence that the idea of human assisted global warming is a nefarious conspiracy perpetrated by a left wing cabal whose only goal is to sell hybrid cars and moisture wicking polyester shirts. That there is virtually no snow in Vancouver or Buffalo is, by comparison, just an anomaly.

By the way, If anyone is missing an official AI slipper, please see the concierge upon check-in for AI-XIV.

Moral Standards

The AI has just learned that Tiger Woods will be speaking to a small group of friends, colleagues and close associates at 11 a.m. ET Friday at the TPC Sawgrass Clubhouse in Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida. Tiger plans to discuss his past and his future and he plans to apologize for his behavior.

I have informed Mark Steinberg, Tiger's representative, that the AI will not be in attendance due to the intense planning currently underway for AI-XIV and more importantly because the AI does not want to tarnish its reputation by associating with men of questionable character. We will hold to our tradition of character that is unquestionably lacking.

Our Civic Duty

The AI is proud of its long history of civic responsibility. Today, to further demonstrate that commitment, I, your continuously belittled Director, forsook the high holiday known as President's Day, forsook attending to our 20 year old business empire, forsook work on AI-XIV to show the people of the world that I and, by association, all of us at the AI place our respect and concern for our fellow citizens above the self serving monotony of our daily existences. Additionally, I had to go or I would have been arrested.

Heimsch vs Daly

Does Heimsch's report re being fatter than John Daly bode poorly for our 4 Ball Match with Gordon & Reef?

Daly and celebrity pro-am partner Tony Romo are tied for 65th place in the AT&T Pro-Am. Romo - not an actual golfer, mind you - finished four shots better than Daly. Who says Romo will never play in February?

Where is Tiger?

Tiger is still not back. In fact, no one knows where he is nor what he is doing, not to mention with whom. Osama bin Laden is like Ryan Seacrest compared to this guy. I've left several tins of AI-XIII M&M's in our locker at Bay Hill in an attempt to provide him some succor while his life burns on across the blogoverse, but nothing.

The AI Executive Committee, as always, took a measured view of the scandal. The Committee members did not look fondly upon his Escalade escapades but did mention that they would like copies of any photographs so they could be vetted for authenticity.

Oh, btw, something went techno-wrong trying to upload video to the previous post. The AI-IT team is on it and will hopefully have the video for you later tonight.

Inside a Month

There is less than a month before we reconnoiter for our annual waltz through the weeds. Through the use of our advance scouting team here at AI HQ, we have been made aware of each player's idiosyncratic mode of preparation.

Heimsch is currently puddling through Europe and the UK in the middle of a month-long mind meld with Tila Tequila while Gordon has embarked on his unique training trajectory of gradually getting worse with each round. His latest report featured 7 penalty shots on the opening 9 holes although to be fair, some of those shots were apparently pretty close to being on the golf course and with more liberal playing partners (in golf?) he would have certainly broken 100. Reefer, of course, starts as always by simply trying to locate his clubs after which he will begin the brutish task of removing the remains of last year's chicken salad sandwich from his sweat-stained AI hat.

Let's relive one of the glorious moments of AI-XIII - roll the tape.