News in the World of Stan

From the crack AI Research Staff comes this from St. Louis.





Priory senior twists nearly 6,000 Rubik's Cubes into mural of Stan Musial : News

Let's See, Where Were We.....?

Hey kids, only 10 months to AI-XX!!  Would you believe 8 months?

Now, where were we?  Ah yes, Sunday.  The big day.  The Banquet.  The videos.  The swag.  We began the day by waking up.  We ate great food provided by the BD.  We resisted the urge to go back to bed.  We should have.

The Banquet was, of course, a shimmering success, with three Beer Can Chickens seated at the head of the Banquet Table along with The Banquet Director her ownself.  We ate and drank our fill.   Everyone was still buzzing about the near epic performances during the previous night's Lip Sync Competition and a clamor arose, as did some smoke coming from the pool deck, to air the video so we could thrill once again to our unbridled talents.  And it was so.   The performances aged well and had lost none of their luster after an entire day.  Stan then forced the captive crowd to sit through several new videos from AI Productions including "Hey, XIX," "It Was a Very AI Year" and "The Most Interesting Stan(s) in the World." And thus did AI-XIX inexorably move toward its inevitable and redundant close.

And that was Sunday.

But wait there was more.  Is it buoyancy?  That the AI is simply not as buoyant as, say, the average watermelon?  No, that's not it.  It's a four letter word.  Beer?  Plenty of it, but that's not it.  Wine? Same, but no.  Golf?  Yes, that's it, then it's the hundred hour war won by Gor!

Against the better judgment of some, the fearful fivesome headed to Shingle Creek for the ultimate round of AI-XIX.  You will remember (of course) that there was an unprecedented 3-way tie at the top after Saturday's marathon at Falcon's Fire with Rich, Wally and Gordon all posting net 76 with Burke mired 4 shots back.  With Sunday's handicaps factored in, Gordon began the day with a 6 shot lead over Rich, a daunting 10 shots in front of Burke and an implausible 12 in front of Paze.  But we're talking about Gordon and the AI.  Things change faster than Donald Trump's hairline.  When play was halted for about 30 minutes after 4 holes due to heavy rain, the real question became if the group would be able to finish before dark on the 4th longest day of the year.   Past proved prologue, the lead proved tenuous, and after 8 holes, Burke had made up the 10 shot stagger on Gordon with Heimsch only 1 back after his meltdown triple on #8.  Paze was presciently disinterested.   The Ranger at Shingle Creek was interested, however.  He had warned the AI Boys about their (lack of) pace of play before the rain began and became downright ornery as they prepared to play their 2nd shots on the ninth.   Gordon & Paze, always obedient, finished the hole forthwith with pars, the ever acquiescent Burke tapped in forthfifth with a bogey and when Heimsch did the same, Paze and Reef announced that they were heading to the bar and not to the 10th tee.  Gordon took a look at the scoreboard and noticing he held the 27-hole lead, had an AI-I flashback and quickly decided to join Wally and Jim.  With weather and the ranger threatening to upend the final 9,  Burke followed suit leaving Heimsch to go along or walk back to HQ.  After a long pause, he chose to get in the Official Car.
And thus was Gordon crowned AI Champion for the first time in 18 years - the longest span between victories in AI history.
And, more importantly, the only player with two asterisks.

Our Champion

Saturday - AI-XIX

We played golf for 6+ hours, we sat through a thunderstorm, we drank some wine, we ate an Italian feast for the ages and then.......LIP SYNC.  OMG did everybody bring it!  There will be no championship - everyone won.  It was crazy good.  Mitch & Jim set the tone with the first ever lip and bass sync.....of themselves;  The smarmy BJRE classic - "Do You Wanna Dance."

Gordon led off the night with an exercise in discursive narrative that had the participants wondering if he should be in jail rather than the classroom. He was followed by one after another after another of absolutely stunning performances ranging from Carrie Underwood (Sean) & fucking Sam Smith (Kate) to Rihanna (MFB), the the Doors (Rich), Barbara Streisand (Kathi), an incredible rendition of "Proud Mary" courtesy of Ike & Tina Savoie, the return of 'Rocky Raccoon' (Wally),  a tender 'Leader of the Pack' (Nora), Emma transitioning from Eminem to Paris Hilton with assistance from Connor and Reef wrapping things up with an operatic turn from Jay & the Americans.

As an aside, the group voted unanimously to not view themselves performing at last year's inaugural event.

Golf?  An unprecedented 3-way tie at the top at net 76 and then in solo 4th, Burke.  There were few highlights, but Paze chipped in for birdie on 13 at the precise moment that Reef decided he'd seen enough and took the video camera to the 14th tee.  Wally would make another birdie - the only 2 amongst this undistinguished group.  Heimsch was moving along nicely until an unexpected crash at the 125 yard par 3 15th brought him back to the pack.

Bagels, lox, cream cheese, coffee, V8 and shards of glass from the shattered wine vessel (courtesy of Stan) and we begin the final day of action at Shingle Creek.

AI-XIX Through Friday

The Opening Day of AI-XIX got off to a rocky start.  Gordon, after threatening to attend the Opening Ceremonies, was duped into staying in Sarasota to file imaginary reviews of papers that have not been written.  Wally arrived on time.  Jim also arrived on time but was stranded at OIA for over an hour due to a ferocious thunderstorm that closed the airport and kept Wally & Mitch on the shoulder of the road for 30 minutes because of zero visibility.  The Official AI Car scooped up the Reef and headed back to HQ awaiting word from Heimsch who woke up in Tampa.

The group, sans Sean or perhaps Sean sans, made their way to Yellow Dog Eats along with the revealed mystery guest:  Sue Landskroener who immediately fell prey to the wit, wisdom and infectious charm of The AI.

A quick recap of Friday's action:

The Four Ball:  Burke & Paze won the 18th hole to force the second tie in a row in this event, this time with Heimsch & Gordon.  Heimsch played a stellar backside (?) that included 3 consecutive birdies and a total of 38.  Meanwhile, Kathi & Jim played 18 in approximately 2 hours less than the previously mentioned 4 some.  We are working on a best ball medal total for all 3 twosomes and will have the winner between the 3 groups tomorrow.  The tentative name for the tournament is 

"The AI Team Medal Championship suggested by Bob Paze."

Bowling For Sotweeds:  In one of the great upsets in BFS history, Burke had an out of body experience and rolled the 3rd highest series in the long annals of this event (306) to edge out Gordon andwrest his 2nd title from the perennial leader, JBR.  Edie extended her dominance with another win on the alley to the right.

Everyone  then cried with laughter for 40+ minutes by "The Wit (?) & Wisdom (?) of The Reef" - an hilarious live account of AI-XVIII action or facsimile thereof.

AI-XVIII Champ Heimsch's dramatic entrance at Yellow Dog Eats

Dinner at Yellow Dog 

Here We Go

Banquet Department In High Gear

The Banquet Director was in high gear this past weekend barking out directions and mapping strategies for her Department.  Tasks included shopping at every supermarket within a 10 mile radius; using every pot, pan and utensil in the Banquet Department's arsenal; and handcrafting the components of the meals to come.  The Banquet Department is a highly skilled Department dedicated to the task of providing the attendees of AI-XIX with meals that exceed even their already high expectations.  The Banquet Department currently consists of......Kathi.

Herewith a few photos of the weekend's prep for the return of the much revered Italian Night; which, to be clear, refers not to the server but rather to the food to be served.

AI Announces 4-Ball Pairings for AI-XIX

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Orlando, FL - Here amidst the sweltering lizards and blistering roaches, The AI announces the pairings for this year's Four Ball match.  The Greatest Living 4-Ball Champion in AI history, Gordon, and his astounding 12-3-2 record will be paired this year with the event's least accomplished competitor, Heimsch (2-8-2) whose only two victories have come, unsurprisingly, when paired with Gordon.  As a team, Gordon & Heimsch are 2-2.  They will face the unit of Paze (3-5-1) & Burke (8-7-3) who are an equally pedestrian 1-1 as a team.

Where: The 'regrassing' (a term borrowed from The Apartment) project currently underway at Bay Hill has thrown the AI Planning Committee into a tizzy of regrouping, reorganizing and the usual regretting.  The result?  The AI-XIX Four-Ball Championship will be held on the Charger at Bay Hill.   The 'front' nine will be contested from the Blue tees and the 'back' nine from the yellows.

With the 'big' course closed, the AI will have something approaching carte blanche (that's French for white golf cart) on the Charger for both the 4-Ball and LOS, should anyone still be breathing after the sweat box effect of 18 holes in Orlando in late June.

More.  After a long winter of negotiations marked by periods of optimism interspersed with ennui, The AI can now officially announce that the champion of AI-X, James "Reef" Reifsnyder will be returning to the field of play for the first time since his 'retirement' halfway through the final round of AI-XIV.  As if that were not enough to stoke the fires of the AI's cadre of rabid fans, he will be joined on the grassy knolls and sandy divots by The Banquet Director, expanding her reach from the past two LOS contests.

One might ask, a la David Byrne:  "how will we work this?"

At the suggestion of the returning Reef, we will add him to one twosome and the BD to the other and play as two groups of three [threesomes just didn't sit well in the initial draft].  The match will still be between the twosomes mentioned above.  That they will be playing in different groups presents some measure of difficulty in tracking the progress of said match.  The AI Logistics & Format Committee is working as we speak to divine how best to stage the Championship.

Final Handicap Report

Well, a years worth of flailing at golf balls has yielded the final handicap report for AI-XIX, now a scant 10 days away.  In the two weeks since the last glance at the mediocrity of the three players not named Pease, we notice a trend; a trend heading in the wrong direction.  Tournament Director  Burke leads the march upward after a string of abysmal performances spanning 4 golf courses and two states during which he has not struck the ball less than 95 times in any round, has posted scores of 50 or more in 5 of his last 8 nines and has suffered 25 penalty shots.  Some might question his motivation, but need only consult the Banquet Director who bore witness to 3 of the 4 debacles.

Paze has added nearly a stroke to his handicap index, although it still bears the scarlet 'R' of the USGA.  The AI Handicap Committee will be in consultation with the USGA to determine the best way to equitably control this player's propensity for rising to the occasion.

Heimsch added half a shot to his index,  which was enough to keep him trailing Burke but now by the slimmest of margins:  one tenth of a shot.

Gordon was the only combatant who apparently does not understand the concept of preparing for a big tournament as he lowered his index by nearly a half a point.  That move combined with the upward moves of the other 3 scalawags leaves us with a slightly reduced range of indexes (indices?) for the 19th running of the balls.

There has been much interest in the venues for AI-XIX.  We have entertained suggestions ranging from miniature golf to staying at HQ and watching other people play golf on the tee wee.  But, after careful consideration, the AI Venue Committee has settled on two courses that have previous experience hosting the AI.  The requirements to stage an AI are simply too complex to expect an inexperienced club to be able to handle it properly.  Also, no one else would let us play.

Round 1 will be played at Falcon's Fire Golf Club, scene of the 4-Ball in AI-IV, V and XIV as well as Round 2 of AI-II and Round 1 of AI-XI.

Round 2 will take place at Shingle Creek Golf Club, host of the AI-X 4-Ball and winter home club of Paze.

Here then, the numbers:

As of June 15, 2015
                                                 FF       SC
Robert Pease:   5.3    [+ .7]         6          6
Mitch Burke:     10.8   [+ 1]        12        12
Rich Heimsch:   10.9   [+ .5]       13        12
Gordon:           16.1    [- .4]        19        18

FF = Falcon's Fire
SC = Shingle Creek

For comparison, these were the player indexes for AI-XVIII, one year ago.  A quick glance informs us that the players have studied, taken lessons, adjusted swings, read articles, watched Golf Channel and contorted through all sorts of mental gymnastics for naught.  Even MFB, prior to his recent spasm, would have been within .5 of his AI-XVIII index.


             AI-XVIII  INDEX  

PAZE              5.7          
MFB                9.3          
HEIMSCH         11         
GORDON          16          

Stan Wins French Open in Spare Time

With a few weeks to kill before AI-XIX, Stan jetted off to Paris to play a little tennis.  Of course, he won.  Utilizing the physical and mental prowess for which he is known along with his oft imitated but rarely replicated sense of fashion, Stan took down the best racketeers in the world.

                                                               ROLAND GARROS 2015

  sTAN CREDITS MINDSET, TEAM & SHORTS IN PARIS

                                                    Paris, France

He is due back in the US this week and, deigning rest as a sign of weakness or possibly preparation, is expected to delve immediately into final preparations for AI-XIX.

Are You In Sync?

With less than 4 weeks remaining prior to the XIXth rendition of the AI, which we are considering renaming Bikram AI due to the projected temperatures, we now force your attention to your preparation or lack thereof for the 2nd Annual AI Lip-Sync Competition.  Despite 11 months of therapy and memory suppressing techniques, we are reminded that the AI faithful voted overwhelmingly for the return of Lip Sync at AI-XIX.  And so it shall be.   Gordon has petitioned the Lip Sync Committee (LSC) for a special nose exception to allow him to make a presentation that will take advantage of his Scottish ancestry and remodeled proboscis.  That special exception has been granted.  Otherwise, everyone shall be ready to perform on Saturday night, June 27th at the appointed hour.  This year's order will be determined by Random Draw.  Random is new to the AI so please be kind to her (him?).

Handicap Update

It is June 1 and we are less than a month away from the opening ceremonies for AI-XIX.  At the moment, plans for those ceremonies include a videotaped welcome from recently reelected FIFA President Sepp Blatter who has been quite helpful to the AI-Tournament Committee in selecting alternative locations to host the AI.



As of June 1, 2015

Robert Pease:   4.6    [no change]
Mitch Burke:     9.8   [no change]
Rich Heimsch:  10.4  [down .7]
Gordon:           16.5    [up .2]

Report from the Greens Committee

Attention All Stans,
Your ever vigilant AI Greens Committee, just back from a weekend in Asheville, NC (the Woodstock of the south) immediately returned to work to examine the alleged renovation of the tournament course at Bay Hill, venue for nearly every previous AI Championship round.  Not that we're paranoid and imagine that Arnold Palmer Enterprises would fabricate a press release to its membership and the national media for the sole purpose of leading the AI to believe the course is closed.  Although, one might wonder if the Palmer brain trust is tired of the constant comparison between the API and the AI.  One might also wonder why one might wonder that.  And that at least they have a brain trust.  Where were we?  You know, we recently wondered if it was too soon to take a test designed to measure cognitive deficits.  We decided it was.  Too soon, that is.  Now, see these photos of the home of the AI, and the API, and possibly the UPI.

             looking greenward  from the right fairway bunker on #5

              gazing down the fairway of #6 from #6 tee on the Charger

So it is clear that Palmer and his cohorts will go to any lengths to prevent the staging of AI-XIX at Bay Hill.  Will we be deterred?  Will we be interred?  Stay tuned.

Handicapping AI-XIX

With the latest GHIN Handicap revisions out today, the AI Handicap Committee thought it timely to present the initial report for the projected participants in AI-XIX.  We will list indexes rather than course handicaps as the Committee is still researching the venue(s) where the tournament will be played and neither have we been able to find the proper calculations to translate these indexes for Wii Golf.............

Onward.

As of May 15, 2015

Robert Pease:   4.6 *
Mitch Burke:     9.8
Rich Heimsch:  11.1 **
Gordon:           16.3

For those of you organizing your betting strategy for AI-XIX, a couple of notes before you call Betfair.

*  that Mr. Pease's index is followed by an 'R' -  From the USGA website:   "R designates that a handicap has been automatically reduced for exceptional tournament performance.  A “reduced handicap” must be reviewed by the Handicap Committee and the committee may decide to let the reduction run its normal course, override the reduction or adjust the reduction."  Obviously, the USGA has never encountered Mr. Pease play during the pressure of an AI Tournament.

** that Mr. Heimsch has not posted a score in April or May.  This is a potential red flag in that, traditionally, no one plays more golf than Mr. Heimsch. 

The Mitchell Report Report

You will all, of course, remember the epic "Mitchell Report" presented at AI something or other detailing the effects of PWD's (Performance Worsening Drugs) throughout the history of The AI.  The report spent much time detailing the prevalence of a certain drug we called The STAN (Stanozolol); a mash up of STAN and LOL.  Well, LO(L) and behold, we turn your attention to the recent goings on in MLB where three, count' em, 4, (whatever) players have recently been suspended for the use of - wait for it - Stanozolol aka The STAN.

"four pitchers, all caught with Stanozolol in their system – has Major League Baseball looking into any links between the cases and exploring why the old-school drug is popping up on tests again.The four players suspended for 80 games in a stretch of 16 days starting March 27 – David Rollins of the Seattle Mariners, Arodys Vizcaino of the Atlanta Braves, Ervin Santana of the Minnesota Twins and Jenrry Mejia of the New York Mets – are already one more than the number of players on 40-man rosters penalized for using performance-enhancing substances all of last year."

You can Check out The STAN story on USATODAY.com: http://usat.ly/1FNkbFI

Simply more evidence that the reach of the AI is long and deep; which coincidentally is also the working title of the first XXX AI video.  

The Apartment on the TV (sort of)

through the magic of Twitter and the TV, The Apartment found its way onto The Golf Channel this morning.   We've already heard from several Bay Hill members; most simply wondering WTF 'The Apartment' is.  We tell them it's like the Trilateral Commission

BULLETIN

As winter turns to spring, our thoughts are inexorably drawn to one thing:  did Hillary email the terrorists in Benghazi a picture of Monica's dress after selling her Whitewater lots to Supreme Leader Khomeini?  Oh, and there's also going to be a golf tournament at Bay Hill.  But Gordon won't be there.  Actually, Gordon will be there.  He will be paying a visit to AI HQ this weekend for the first time since Thanksgiving.  Paze is also in town and, if we can pry him away from his card game and Jenga tower of Coors light cans.....not gonna happen

But, to the BULLETIN.  For nearly of all of its XIX year history, The AI has hung its bucket hat, robe, doo rag, pool wrap and shower slippers on contesting the AI Championship at Arnold Palmer's Bay Hill Club, where, outlined against a bloodshot March (with occasional detours into January and June) sky the Four (and occasionally Five) Headless Horsemen rode again and again [and again].  In dramatic lore they are known as famine, pestilence, destruction and death.  These are only aliases.  Their real names are:  STAN.

However, this year, the competition, marked by a cumulative lack of skill rarely seen outside of any karaoke bar, will be forced to an alternative venue and more importantly, another place to play golf.

To wit:

Rest assured that the AI Venue Committee is already hard at work
securing alternate courses for AI-XIX.  We appreciate your
consideration and look forward to a stirring competition in June.
Hey, it could happen.

Never Forget

Our Champion (?)

As we turned the clocks ahead early yesterday morning, we were overwhelmed by thoughts that something was missing.  After locating our reading glasses and phone didn't slake the empty feeling, we realized that this weekend past was "AI Weekend" for all but IV of the previous XVIII events. Simple arithmetic, our favorite kind, reveals that there are thus a mere III.5 months until we gather again for XIX.   Let us then take a quick look back at AI-Inferno, golf division.

For the IInd consecutive year and the VIth time overall, Richard D. "Stan" Heimsch came out on top of the original AI competition, 36 grueling holes of something that occasionally resembles golf.  We will not belabor everyone now with the shot by shot progress of Round 2, leaving that instead for the ever excruciating AI-XIX Tournament Schedule.  A brief synopsis, however, reveals that Rich was dogged in his pursuit of the title while pursued by players who played like dogs.  He overtook Gordon (an alternative interpretation would be that Gordon overtook himself) on the 8th hole and withstood several tepid challenges from Stan and Paze on the back 9 and thus was able to gambol down the 18th hole with a 6 shot lead, leaving him a slightly better than 50/50 chance of winning.

Paze easily won the gross competition (some might say that is a redundant phrase when discussing AI golf), with an AI Bay Hill record round of 80 on Sunday.  He also finished T2 net with Stan, who sliced, hooked and hacked his way around the course for 2 days.  Gordon rounded (sic) out the field with yet another top 4 finish.

The AI Director and Banquet Director, using the FIFA and NCAA economic models of pocketing all the tournament profits, took off after AI-XVIII on a 2 week mission trip to Africa to spread the gospel of the AI.  There's nothing Africans like more than white Americans flying over to teach them how to live.  The itinerary included a 16 hour flight to Johannesburg, followed by 10 days in Botswana (3 of which were spent in a 3 meter by 3 meter tent with bucket shower and pit toilet) and concluded at Victoria Falls; well, actually we stayed at a hotel.

We will keep you 'posted' as inspiration strikes.  The Committee again thanks all of the participants for, in the words of JBR, their inexplicable annual attendance.  Congratulations again to Heimsch for his stirring victory and let this also serve as a reminder for him to bring the belt back.

Represent

Behold, the 2015 Bay Hill Match Play Champion - Cherry Hills (2nd) Flight (handicaps 7-11).  Stan, making his 4th appearance in the Finals of this grueling 3-day grind-a-thon, managed to win for the 2nd time, with a 1-up victory on Sunday.  Stan uncharacteristically birdied the 1st hole and never trailed in the match  (in fact he never trailed in the entire tournament), building a 3-up lead at one point on the front and leading 2-up thru 14 holes.  The train to victory ran into a flashing red light on 15 when Stan's 2nd shot could not be found in the always lovely Bay Hill rough and Stan could not persuade his opponent to play by AI rules rather than the rules of golf.  Then Stan's bogey on 16 created a butt squeezing all square with 2 to play.  Stan's par on 17 put him back up by 1 with the always stress-free #18 to play.  A well-struck 5-iron (!) off the tee left about 210 to a front pin.  But when his opponent sliced (he's a lefty) his tee shot OB, the pressure eased somewhat.  Stan followed with a 9-iron to 85 yards and a firmly steered SW to the front of the green and when his opponent missed his putt for bogey, Stan needed only to 3-putt to secure the win and recapture the cup (bearing a strikingly familiar design to keen observers).

You will, of course, also notice the branding of Stan's sponsor for the event.  What are not visible in the photo are the winner's AI socks which were worn throughout the tournament and are now festering in the laundry basket.

Friday Night Heights

Now that we have turned the page to 2015, our thoughts turn immediately to AI-XIX.  One of the most important jobs for the AI Committee is to avoid complacency or repetition that may cause a certain staleness in the proceedings. To that end, The Committee is looking at alternatives to the historical Friday night Bowling For Sotweeds. 

Herewith one of the activities we are considering: