This breaking news has recently come to the attention of the AI Patent and Copyright Department.
"STAN" - once merely the icon and excuse for 40 years of lame word play and annual gatherings; or gratuitously the name of one of the greatest teams in Bucknell Summer Softball League history; and more recently an Emma (and Eminem) song about an obsessed fan, it is now a (derisive) slang word for the obsessed fan in general. Lowercase. Also, a verb. To "stan" someone is to adore that person unquestioningly and kind of scarily.
So, as we lurch unsteadily toward AI-XXI, remember, when you're a stan you're a stan all the way.....
Well, another Masters has come and gone, replete with chirping "birds," fawning announcers and the usual Masters speak. My favorite was when Baker-Finch uttered the verboten "crowds" and immediately received a jolt from the Masters electric collar all announcers are issued and recovered to say "patrons" before having to join Gary ("bikini waxed greens") McCord in Masters purgatory.
The tournament ended with the traditional ceremonies wherein the walking dead Jordan Spieth tripped over a chair as he thought about strangling the ever obsequious Jim Nantz with the green jacket rather than helping Danny Willett to don it.
The tournament began, of course, with the traditional welcome from one of the old white guys wandering around the Club in a green jacket. Which brought to mind this 'welcome' from an old white guy wandering around Orlando in a maroon jacket
Kathi strolled into the house after playing 18 holes yesterday afternoon and casually mentioned that she was experiencing sharp pain in her lower abdomen that was becoming increasingly tender to the touch. Her response was to drive to the airport to pick up her nephew, Aaron, drive back, cook a 3-course dinner and then lie down "to rest." 2 hours later we were in the emergency room, this time I was not wearing the AI sports coat and doo rag.
After a quick visit from the doc and a CT scan the diagnosis was given as acute appendicitis. I left about 2:00am and she had surgery this morning at 8. The doc was just here, and all went well. She will stay in the hospital tonight as she is feeling pretty nauseous; but, she should be at full strength in a couple of weeks and it should not impact our trip to Machu Picchu in mid-May. We are both VERY glad that this did not happen on the Inca Trail.
A week ago today the assembled masses were in thrall at the onset of one of the greatest Banquets in AI history. We were squirting tequila into our mouths, downing martinis, rum & coke, Malbec, Sauv Blanc and several gallons of wine from the AI Cellar. Today, all is calm at AI-HQ on a beautiful, sunny mid-70's Orlando day. The posters have made their way back to the garage (today); the AI crystal Sisyphus now adorns the dining room table; and, the Director wore the AI-XX hat and used (only 1) AI-XX golf ball for both days of the Stroke Play Club Championship this weekend [4 shots off the pace]. And so we take this time to remember the fierce competitions of a week ago.
In the Six-Ball, it was Gordon & Paze taking home the muscular trophies as Gordon cemented his reputation as The AI's greatest 4/6 ball champion. That win was capped off by one of the greatest shots in AI history on #18 at the not so Tranquilo Golf Club.
Edie extended her Bowling For Sotweeds hegemony by winning for the umpteenth time while Gordon snared his first title and extended the formerly invincible Reef's winless streak to two years.
The Banquet Director took her first ever AI title with a Lack of Skills win, nipping (?) Heimsch by a point.
In the AI Championship, the hosts, Stan and The Banquet Director (an early favorite for indie movie title of the year) won the first title under the new format. Stan coasted to an easy win with 133 points proving that selecting teammates is more important than playing well; playing with The BD and Christina (further review of the The BD's Official Scorecard revealed 3 more strokes for Stan than his Base 7 math indicated when first added) . A tight battle for the 2nd title spot found The BD at 122 with Heimsch and Paze both at 120; AI-XIX champ Gordon, exhausted from winning almost everything else, placed fourth with 113 points.
As everyone associated with this event knows, there are no goodbyes, only until we meet agains.
The AI Financial Committee announced today that The AI has been acquired by FIFA. FIFA spokesman Sepp Blatter said from a maximum security prison in Switzerland today "I have thought for years that there would be no better addition to the FIFA family of racists, bribe-takers and slave labor apologists than The Apartment Invitational. We at FIFA have marveled as The AI grew over the years from a small collection of idiots to a large collection of idiots. This is simply a perfect fit for us."
Speaking from AI Headquarters in Orlando, FL, President, CEO and Tournament Director Stan said "I was surprised to learn that FIFA is a soccer organization as I had been led to believe that they are a Revolutionary War era fife and drum corps consolidator. But, whatever."
Questions about the location of AI-XXI went unanswered. It is thought, however that Qatar and Sochi are two early favorites
they said it couldn't be done; that the weather wouldn't cooperate; that AI-XX would be a rain drenched affair consisting of nothing but conversation and video. But no! Conversation and video only took up 85% of the day, rather than 100%. The players completed Lack of Skills and finished 16 & 17 holes respectively before being driven off the course by lightning.
To recap: a streamlined LOS took place at various locations on the Charger, albeit without flags, pins or greens. The winner, for the first time, the Banquet Director, whose 11 points edged Heimsch by 1.
In the AI Championship, the team of Marinari/Burke sped to a 10 point lead over the teams of T. Korpolinski/Paze and Heimsch/Bauer going into Day 2. Today's matches will feature Heimsch/Paze; Bauer/Marinari and Burke/C. Korpolinski.
The 3rd annual Lip Sync Challenge was a smashing success again, with performances ranging from John Cage to Michael Jackson to Meatloaf to Loretta Lynn and many, many more. Video will be available at some point, although not on YouTube as Google has placed The AI on its (no) watch list.
March 25, 2016 will be known henceforth as "The Day of Gordon." Children will ask their parents if they were there that day or if they knew someone who was there. The Empire State Building will be lit in shades of pale gray to memorialize the day.
The day dawned with a new hope, as it always does at The AI. Sixty + year old men, clad in AIwear of various vintages readied themselves for the day's activities: Four Six-Ball action; fried chicken; Bowling For Sotweeds; the first video of the weekend: "Reef's Riffs on AI-XIX;" and a sixty-year old woman competed as well. The quality of golf was unusually competent which made it difficult to acquire the usual amount of video. Gordon, AI Four Ball nonpareil, was paired with Paze, while Heimsch joined with Burke and The Reef teamed up again with Kathi. The AI also welcomed Tom & Christina Korpolinski as the first markers in AI history. Their participation will be commemorated with a moment of silence at future AI's.
The action was fierce and then we teed off. Gordon and Paze had a superb front nine, posting 25 points, highlighted by Gordon's birdie on #6 and Paze's no stress 40. The other two teams had 22 points each. On the back, the team of Kathi & Reef caught fire, with Reef carding 6 pars en route to a 41 in his annual outing, while Kathi supplied solid play. Gordon and Paze cooled off just a bit and then in a driving rain storm, Gordon drained a 10' birdie putt as thunder thundered (?) in the background and lightning ironically struck and killed a lightning bug. Heimsch'e 2nd birdie of the day, this one on the par 3 16th, where his tee shot bounded onto the green and then careened into the flag stick before settling down about 4' from the pin. But it would not be enough, as Gordon & Paze secured the title with 47 points, with Heimsch & Burke 2 pack and Reef & Kathi 1 more back at 44. Tom & Christina did not turn in an official scorecard and were therefore disqualified. For Gordon, it's his 13th win in Friday 4/6-ball competition, a record that shall never be eclipsed.
Then it was on to the ever intriguing Bowling For Sotweeds. The lanes at the Sky Bowl (why sky bowl? it's a one-story building) were packed on this Good Friday, as Jesus wanted it to be on this holy day. Would we even get the chance to play? Unfortunately, we would. Game 1 had the usual suspects in the lead, Jim up by 3 over Heimsch and Edie up by 7 over Kathi. Then came Gordon. 5 strikes in 6 frames and the second highest game in AI history at 184 led him to a runaway first ever BFS victory by 57 pins over Tony & Rich who tied for 2nd. Edie struggled mightily in Game 2 but managed, as she always does, to hold on for her 12th victory, this time by 12 over Kathi. Kate G made her debut performance and showed dramatic improvement in game two by doubling her first game score. Kate, fell in love with the bowling milieu and the wardrobe and now plans to devote her life to the game.
It was a dark and stormy night at AI-HQ on Day I of AI-XX with the forecast for the weekend portending a weekend unlike any we have ever seen at The AI. In the previous XX AI's (you will remember that we forgot we had played AI-XI and played it again 3 months after we had played it the first time) we have had precisely two rainouts out of a possible LX rounds. That number may not just added to, but multiplied this weekend.
IX Stans gathered at Yellow Dog Eats to kick off the much anticipated debut of the XXth anniversary of the AI. In attendance were Nora, Emma, Edie, Kate R., Reef, Heimsch, Paze, Kathi and the Tournament Director. In the air were Kate G and Sean E. On double secret probation in Sarasota was Gordon.
We spent an incredible evening watching/listening to a DVD provided by the Reef: Springsteen & the E Street Band, live in London in 1975. Simply amazing - and that was just the hats. The performances were, dare I say, epic.
And so, to sleep, perchance to be soaked tomorrow at Tranquilo Golf Club at The Four Seasons at Walt Disney World in Orlando, FL, USA, planet earth.
AI-XX is upon us, and the AI Golf Tournament Committee thought it incumbent upon itself to announce the format and locations for this year's tournament. But, first some background.
The last two AI's have revealed a gradual encroachment into this historically inept male swingathon. Much like the fabled frog who knows not that he/she is being boiled to death in water that increases in heat one degree at a time, AIGolf has been gradually infiltrated by our revered Banquet Director. No longer content simply to pad around the kitchen sating the hunger of The Real House Husbands of the AI, Kathi has leaned in to the golf tournament by casually joining Lack Of Skills in AI-XVIII and then blithely parlaying that into 18 holes of better ball with J. B. Reifsnyder (Ret.) during the fabled Four-Ball Tournament at AI-XIX. The sanctum sanctorum has been breached. Four balls has become six. This genie will not be put back into her bottle.
AI-XIX also saw three, well two and a half, of the slowest rounds of golf not only in AI history, a tournament renowned for its lethargic pace, but possibly in golf history. Lapped by Reef and Kathi during the 4-Ball; given up for lost by Wally's friend Mike at Falcon's Fire; and, finally, practically chased off the course after 9 holes at Shingle Creek by an obstreperous ranger, whose hobby it would seem is participating in death camp reenactments, and who found not a whit of humor in the foursome's laconic play.
In the nearly 8 months since the conclusion of AI-XVIII, The AI Golf Committee has entertained many options: skipping every other hole; conceding shots inside 100 yards; using self-driving golf balls; and, playing rock, paper scissors rather than golf. But after much gnashing of teeth, The Committee has resolved the issues above in a way that will change The AI for good, rather than evil.
Six Balls - Three Teams - Two Days - Two Champions
2-person teams will be selected by random draw or whomever is awake, from a player pool consisting of the 4 active Stans, Kathi and, alternatingly, one of our (heretofore) gracious friends, Tom & Christina, on Saturday and Sunday mornings. Tom will be the active partner on Day 1 and Christina on Day 2. The event will be 2 days of net Better Ball, scored using a modified Stableford System with a maximum net double on any hole. Each team will post a total score from its two players each day and the two players not named Tom & Christina with the highest two totals will be crowned Champions of AI-XX. Tom & Christina are not eligible - basking in the aura of The AI is reward enough
The Banquet Director has announced that the Banquet for AI-XX will be HUGE!
"All past Banquets will pale in comparison to the Banquet for AI-XX," the BD raved, "this will be the greatest Banquet ever! I have consulted with myself quite a bit, I have a pretty big brain you know. I love the over-educated AI! In fact, I love the over-educated almost as much as I love the poorly educated."
"I have brought in the finest food and drink from a very successful company! Who knew you could go food shopping at Sharper Image? This will be the greatest Banquet in history! This Banquet is for winners! Losers can go to Mitt Romney's house."
Et tu, Stan? The Ides of March are upon us, and in Florida that currently means two things: Firstly, people are not flocking to the polls to vote in one of the 3 or 4 most important primaries in the country. Turnout is reported to be quite low here in the all important I-4 corridor. It would appear that many in the Sunshine State are not Ready For Hillary, Feeling The Bern or interested in Making America Fascist Great again.
Secondly, and of far more gravity, the final handicap revisions have been handed down from the GHIN gods for the upcoming swing fest.
INDEX BH HANDICAP Bob Paze 8.6 10 M. Burke 8.9 11 Heimsch 12 14 Gordon 16.3 19 The BD 25 28 Reef ? 20
Observers of AI history will note the conundrum of AI-V & XV Champion, Bob Paze, entering the tournament with his highest handicap ever while also having nearly 6 weeks of near daily Orlando golf under his ample belt.
AI-XIX Champ Gordon (the same), Burke (1 lower) and Heimsch (1 higher) enter with nearly the same numbers as last year, while The BD shows marked improvement, shaving 3 strokes off of her number (number?) from last year's tilt. Pottstown, nee Punxatawny, Reef, once again emerges from his lair for his once a year appearance and all indications are that he will foresee 12 more months of no golf.
The AI Banquet Director, Lack of Skills Competitor, 4-Ball Competitor and now for AI-XX, competitor for the coveted AI Championship, was hard at work the weekend before last. In the morning hours, prepping for the always eagerly anticipated Saturday Night Italian Feast, in the afternoon, working on her short game, and in the evening, studying for the 3rd Annual Lip Sync Battle.
Our cameras were only able to capture the preparations for Saturday night's feast. Preparations for the golf and lip sync are being sequestered in a manner that would startle Bill Belechick
With precisely 3 weeks until the onset of AI-XX, the AI-Rehearsal Committee convened a meeting at nearby Stefano's Italian Restaurant and Type Two Diabetes Training Center. In attendance were two-time champions Paze and Gordon, along with the Banquet Director, Tournament Director and long-time blog lurker, fan girl and Paze caretaker, Diane. The group gathered for cocktails, which in Pittsburgh apparently means Coors Light poured into a rocks glass from a can. Earlier in the day, Gordon and Stan traipsed merrily around the golf course at Bay Hill, which led to their being escorted off the grounds, as traipsing is prohibited.
We then returned to AI-HQ to watch the latest installment of that hit show on FOX "Four, with the Brains of Two and a Half, Men" where 4 guys in suits yell at each other about the size of their, umm, hands, while praising the Governor of Michigan for not intentionally poisoning the residents of Flynt.
with little more than a month until the madness, The AI Marketing Committee has been sorting through myriad requests for branding tie-ins. We are proud to announce our Official Lack Of Evolution Sponsor for AI-XX. This creature, well not this specific creature, has been extant for approximately 200 million years or 199,996,000 years longer than Ben Carson believes humans to have roamed the earth. We are beginning to believe that when people refer to Carson as a brain surgeon they mean it sarcastically; like, "hey, look at Carson, he's a real brain surgeon isn't he?"
Our sponsor, a locavore, can usually be found in the lake surrounded by holes 3 & 6; please make sure to stop by and thank him/her for his/her support of AI-XX
with about 2 months until the potentially epic (god, I hate that that word has been co-opted) AI-XX, the AI-Lip Sync Committee has asked that we remind those planning to attend that this ain't no party, this ain't no disco, this ain't no foolin' around.
The AI Semantics Committee asks "what is the difference between a 'Save the Date' missive and an invitation?" Are the recipients to 'save the date' as an exercise in using their calendars? Is the 'save the date' notification meant to imply that the sender thinks there is somehow a difference between that and something labeled "invitation?" Is it a conspiracy concocted by the printing and gift card industries? Is it a cry for attention? a signal to the guests of just how important the host and his or her event is? Are we to 'save the date' in the hope that something happens that day? Are the potential guests meant to meekly accede to their host's mercurial whim? And how long does one wait between issuing a 'save the date' and an invitation? Is there a retraction, a "disinvitation", if the host changes his or her mind about their apparently epic shindig? Or what?
On the other hand, The AI Scheduling Committee hereby requests you
SAVE THE DATE for AI-XX.
And, more importantly they suggest you save THESE DATES:
Thursday, March 24 - Monday, March 28
Any previous information you may have received is hereby rendered inoperative.
The AI recommends you immediately enter these dates into your electronic calendar on your phone, PC or tablet; and, for Gordon, leave sticky notes all over your house.
