51 Weeks To Go

Now that there is no adrenaline remaining at AI-HQ, The AI Etiquette & Protocol Committee would like to take this opportunity to thank all the Stans who made their way from points near and far to make AI-XXIII one of the best, if not the best, AI in AI history.  Stans came from LA, from Pittsburgh, from Bastrop, from Jim Thorpe, from Brooklyn, from the ATL, from Sarasota, Windermere and down the block.  The grand spectacle of The AI would not be possible without each and every Stan.

The Committee would like to draw special attention to a few aspects of The AI that perhaps are not fully appreciated during the maelstrom. To Reef for the post-AI lunches.  To Wally for his annual culinary gift. To Edie, designer of the iconic AI logo, for her ever enthusiastic help with The AI Tchotchke Department. To Mr. Heimsch for his annual case of wine and to Dr. Bauer for his several bottles of fine champagne.  To Christina "The Baroness von Sidecar" and Tom for generously hosting the annual AI cocktail party. To Nick for his technical assistance and cinematography.  To Sean, Nick & Kate with help from Tony for their heroic work on what was surely the finest Banquet in AI history (the last of which we just finished eating an hour ago).  To Cleo without whom we would be doing dishes until mid-May.

The Baroness von Sidecar                                   Most of The Banquet Staff

   in her natural habitat                                          hoping and praying                               

To Nora for her weeks of work and dedication to The AI Food & Beverage Committee without which we simply could not produce the quality that AI gourmands demand.

And, of course, to The Banquet Director, without whom The AI quite simply would not exist.  Who else would put up with her spouse's personality disorder for XXIII years?

AI-XXIV awaits, god willing and the creek don't rise

Day 2 AI-XXIII

Breakfast, coffee, chipping, putting, sand shots, drives, Lack of Skills, 9 holes of best ball action, sidecars, snacks, fried chicken, cole slaw, quinoa, bowling, videos, beer, negronis, wine.  That was the Cliff Notes Day 2.

The dawn broke at dawn, unsurprisingly, but not a creature was stirring all through the house.  We eventually woke and did a quick head count to make sure Jim was with us.  For those of you just joining us, Mr. Reifsnyder was inexplicably  late to the opening dinner at Yellow Dog Eats Thursday evening.  Perhaps it was the double Manhattan, or the Med Men purchase or a couple of beers.  Perhaps it was just succumbing to the overwhelming stimulation at The AI and losing a sense of place.  Whatever it was, despite being at one of the cars as it pulled out of the garage on its way to Yellow Dog, he somehow failed to actually enter a car and thus was left at AI-HQ wondering no one was answering him as he continued to chatter away.  Eventually, Rich and Tony would extract him from under a tree somewhere near AI-HQ.

CKorp was kind enough to suggest an addition to next year's AI budget to mitigate against something like this happening again.

"Smart mini-GPS Tracker for dogs, cats and pets"

Lack of Skills featured 5 categories this year as conceived by Subcommittee Chairman Heimsch:  30 yard shot, 75 yard shot, sand shot, drive and putt.  The players were to choose any 3 categories and received two swipes at each event.  There was a colorful spread sheet, there were 14 golf balls, there was a tape measure (borrowed from the Pro Shop because, of course, Rich and Mitch again forgot to bring one from AI-HQ.  As of this writing, the results are not available although we hope that we can get them prior to tomorrow night's Awards Ceremony, assuming we remember to have the Awards Ceremony.

LOS was followed by the metastasizing 4-Ball Match, now featuring 7 balls from 7 players, 6 of who were paired:  Kathi & Mitch; Christina & Wally; and last year's formidable duo, Rich & Tom.  Gordon was left to wander about the course trying to remember how many times he had hit the ball.The foursome of K/M and R/T saw both groups play well.   Mitch & Kathi, former BH Couples Club Champions, ham and egged nicely, with a birdie from Mitch on 6 on his ways to a 40 and a 60'+ snake of a putt rolled in by The BD on 9 for a par 4 leading to 24 points. Tom was steady as usual, making 6 pars and a bogey for a 39 while Rich chimed in in some key spots and they finished with 21.  W/C played well and had 17 while Gordon, onetime seemingly invincible in this event, should be finishing up by the time this is posted.
So, with 100% of the scorecards reporting, your 7 Ball Champions for AI-XXIII:  The BD and The Director.

Golf was followed again this year by a cocktail party hosted by The Baroness von Sidecar and her assistant.  Featuring, of course, her eponymous drink along with a wide assortment of appetizers and a new Pez display, The AI spent several hours guzzling, chewing and watching Liverpool FC defeat some other team who were wearing red and white uniforms.

After a head count, we returned to AI-HQ for mountains of fried chicken, blue cheese cole slaw, quinoa salad and assorted libations in preparation for the return of Bowling For Sotweeds.  Spanning 3 lanes and including 12 keglers, this year's BFS was a tightly pitched battle with almost all balls staying in the alley from which they originated, several balls not quite making it to the pins, myriad balls not contacting any pins and a "machine".  In was a stunning display of mediocrity Edie continued her undefeated reign atop the femme division while Heimsch cobbled a technique together which would not leave his arm stuck in the ball after he release it and scored an improbable upset on the homme side.  Wally & Gordon refused to play citing trigger warnings from years spent in alleys as youths while Nora did not attend at all jeopardizing her status at The AI.

RICH   135 - 121     252

TOM     103 - 136    239

Edie  109 - 129:       238

JIM    130 - 106       236

Tony 107 - 102:       209

MITCH  88- 118      206

Kathi  97 - 99:         196

CK       99 - 90:       189

KG      73 - 109:      182

Emma 67 - 81:        148

Nick 65 - 81:           146

Sean 32 - 52 :           84

The Official Car whisked the players back to AI-HQ for more revelry including several classic AI videos and the fist 3 parts of AI-XXII: What Happened?

The players will tee off at 11:00 am for the first day of competition for the coveted Stan Cup to be followed by Italian Night  and, of course, the highly anticipated LIP SYNC

Day 1 AI-XXIII: images

Welcome to AI-XXIII

please take a knee and pay your respects as we begin the festivities.  Lyrics are available as an attachment on the email announcing this post.

New AI Competition?

The AI Competition Committee is always on the lookout for new ways to challenge and entertain the devoted fans of The AI.  From golf to miniature golf, from Bowling For Sotweeds to Wii bowling, from Springsteen to Southside Johnny, and, of course, from Lack of Skills to Lip Sync!  Stans have been subjected to dozens of videos, reams of writing and the ever perplexing 'original' songs. But, there is always the fear of ennui or even boredom.  What if there are 5 minutes without a scheduled activity?  How will anyone know what to do?

We have just received the latest update from The AI Meteorological Committee and it shows a significant chance of rain on Friday.  This is nearly unheard of in AI history, and a quick check with The AI Science Committee indicates that they deny the possibility of an AI climate change.  Be that as it may, The Competition Committee is asking that everyone study the attached proposed activity and provide your feedback

AI-XXIII Eve

LET'S GOOOOO!!!




And, for those who cannot understand my mumbling....

Twenty-twenty-twenty-four hours to go 

AI-XVI’s awaited

Still got shit to do, and places to go, oh 

AI-XVI’s awaited 

So get to the airport, get on a plane 

Hurry hurry hurry, it’s going to be inane 

I cleaned the fucking hot tub, let’s hope it doesn’t drain 

Oh no oh oh oh oh 

So get us to the golf course. Get us to the lanes

Hurry hurry hurry,  this rhyming is a strain

I’m desperately looking for something more germane

Oh no oh oh oh oh 

Just put me in my bath robe, where the fuck's my do

Hurry hurry hurry, I'm covered in tattoos

I can't control my blogging, I can't control my spew

Oh no oh oh oh oh 

I'm putting out the doormats, getting out the chairs

There's 700 posters, and no one really cares

I can't stop singing Gordon, Kathi's pulling out her hair

Oh no oh oh oh oh 

Just put me in a wheelchair, get me to the show 

Hurry hurry hurry, before I go loco 

I can't control my fingers, I can't control my toes 

Oh no oh oh oh oh 

Ba-ba-baba, baba-ba-baba, AI-XVI’s awaited

Ba-ba-baba, baba-ba-baba, AI-XVI’s awaited 

Ba-ba-baba, baba-ba-baba, AI-XVI’s awaited 

Ba-ba-baba, baba-ba-baba, I need to be sedated

Simply Rich

The final performance at Lip Sync V, AI-XXII, Day 3 was a spectacular way to bring the show to a close as Rich, dazzling with a small red animal on his head, and impenetrable behind dark glasses, held back the years.

Golf By The Numbers

Although the current forecast is ominous, particularly for Friday's action, The AI Competition Committee is not deterred from its mission to ensure that The Director and/or Banquet Director do not go another year without a victory.  The Committee has received several unseemly emails from players begging for more strokes, although in the absence of bribery or emoluments (what a word), these entreaties have not been entertained.


                                            COURSE
                            INDEX      HANDICAP

TKorp                   6.3          7 (combo)
The Director         9.0         10 (combo)
Heimsch              14.8         17 (combo)   15 (red)    
Paze                    16.1         16 (red)
Gordon                18.6         19 (red)
CKorp                  23.5         26
The BD                25.2         28

Coasters Elite

Emma is forever remembered for the first truly great Lip Sync performance as Emmanem looking fierce while rocking the AI hoodie.  At AI-XXII she chose to go a more autobiographical route, role playing her childhood in front of her mother and 13 of her closest friends (well 3 anyway).  It's cheaper than therapy and there's no deductible.  Don't talk back.....

She Sings Dead People

We're down to the final 3 performers last year's revue.  And the hits just keep on coming.

She's been Adele; she's been Sam Fucking Smith; and at AI-XXII she inhabited yet another musical persona, this time with dance steps and a fedora.   AI-Lip Sync proudly presents

The Chairwoman of the Board

Casting Pearl Before Stans

HOLD ON!!  Watch as the incredible energy of Edie takes a little piece of your heart at AI-XXII

Stompin' With The Savoie

"Uncorrected Personality Traits" - never in the history of AI Lip Sync has a song so perfectly captured how something like The AI could develop into whatever the hell it is.

Nora Tells All

The AI has always been a safe space where Stans are always welcome to share their innermost feelings and most personal confessions.  In that vein, we present Nora, an invaluable member of The AI Banquet Department and devout friend for almost 4 decades (gasp)

The Day The Music Died (again)

On February 3, 1959, JP, the Big Bopper, Richardson, Richie Valens and Buddy Holly were killed in a plane crash in a small town in Iowa.  On April 1, 2018 The AI paid (inadvertent) tribute to that dark moment in rock and roll history.  As we have already seen, Reef, who has made an AI career of using electronic devices that are not plugged in, did The Big Bopper proud with a stirring evocation of "Chantilly Lace".  He couldn't have known that only minutes later AI rookie Nick would bring the crowd to its feet with “La Bamba”, the signature song of The Big Bopper's partner in fate, Ritchie Valens.

AI Productions would like to thank The AI Department of Redundancy Department, led by Cleo, for picking up the feed when the original feed was inadvertently lost due to technical difficulties possibly due to excess alcohol consumption.

GORDON

Gordon chose to use material that apparently does not exist in the internet database thus allowing it to be published on YouTube, while simultaneously eschewing the 'lip' component of 'lip sync'.

The AI Lip Sync Subcommittee thus presents this perplexing performance

Nevertheless We Persisted

The AI Tech Department has been fierce in its determination to air what must be aired in order to provide maximum entertainment (?) in the final run-up to AI-XXIII.  In that spirit, we present Robert Wallace Pease via Dropbox.  Please look for the link coming soon to an email inbox on your computer.

And as a bonus (?) for all of our patient Stans, we present James B. Reifsnyder simultaneously and at the same time.

Sean Redacted

Attorney General Barr has reviewed the complete version of Sean's performance and has released this summary:

Hi Mitch Burke,
Due to a copyright claim, your YouTube video has been blocked. This means that your video can no longer be played on YouTube.

Video title: Sayon
Copyrighted content: Ironic (2015 Remaster)
Claimed by: WMG

Lippy Leaks- Part Deux

As previously threatened, The AI Productions Staff (please do not refer to us as a "team"), following the lead of that paragon of virtue Julian Assange, will release damaging information about each attendee over the next 8 days.

Here now, Part 2 - Olivia and John trip over the light fantastic

Coming Soon

For those of you scoring at home, or even if you're alone, you are no doubt breathlessly counting down the hours until the XXIIIrd iteration of The AI.

Behold a little something to further whet your anticipation while you wet your whistles

Kitchen Invitational

The Banquet Director spent the better part of two days preparing for the annual AI Italian night singing Verdi while slicing, dicing, mix mastering and simmering not only tomato sauce but her temper after pot of sauce #1 overstayed its time on the burner a tad too long resulting in a malodorous scent wafting through AI HQ.  Fortunately our acute senses of smell allowed us to diagnose the situation in mere hours which is really all that can be expected given that we were ensconced in our barcaloungers at least 27 feet away from the stove during the entire process.

Never one to allow a small conflagration to stand in the way of her appointed rounds, The BD soldiered on and also produced dozens of balls of meat, rolls of dough and casings of ground pork leading to The Director's favorite pre-AI morning wherein breakfast and lunch consist of the aforementioned piping hot balls of meat eaten directly from a sizzling frying pan.  This diet is the result of The AI Nutrition Department recently concluding a double blind study affirming the hypothesis proffered 3 decades ago in "Sleeper":

Dr. Melik:  This morning for breakfast he requested something called "wheat germ, organic honey and tiger's milk."
Dr. Aragon: [chuckling] Oh, yes. Those are the charmed substances that some years ago were thought to contain life-preserving properties.
Dr. Melik:  You mean there was no deep fat? No steak or cream pies or...hot fudge?
Dr. Aragon:  Those were thought to be unhealthy...precisely the opposite of what we now know to be true
Dr. Melik:  Incredible...

Golf Handicaps (numerical only...)

The AI Competition Committee has just finished checking the internets for 90 seconds or so in an attempt to provide a fair and equitable competition for the golf portion of AI-XXIII.

The handicaps are based on those identifying as men playing from the yellow/red combo tees and those identifying as women playing from the white tees.  Should any of the men choose to move up to the red tees, they will sacrifice 3 strokes on their handicap.

Here are the numbers per the most recent GHIN revision.  The final numbers will be published upon the final pre-AI revision on April 1st.


PLAYER      INDEX     COURSE HCP

T. KORP            7.0                8

BURKE             8.8               10

HEIMSCH        14.3               17
PAZE              16.1               19
GORDON        18.6                22
C KORP          24.8                27
KATHI            27.1                30

Mouth to Mouth Synchronization

Repression.  Where would be without it?  I don't like to think about it...

But, although most Stans spend the better part of the year trying desperately to at least forget, if not fully repress, memories of the previous AI, the near constant surveillance from the AI Production Department makes that a fool's errand, which, uninterestingly, is also the working title of The Director's memoir:  "The Life of Stan, A Fool's Errand".

Several of the worrisome questions AI Stans commonly ask of themselves in moments of self-reflection include:

"I did what??"
"I drank how much??"
"Who knew you could mix vodka with bourbon, tequila and chocolate milk?"
"I had no idea I could sleep in that position"
"Why didn't I get that tetanus shot before I got into the hot tub?"

The most vigorous attempts at repression however, undoubtedly center on the performances at the annual Lip Sync revue.  Here, in this steaming cauldron of peer pressure, the performers, many of whom have spent upwards of 30 minutes over the previous 52 weeks rehearsing, share one simple wish:  that the camera malfunctions.

The camera functioned.  Additionally, AI-XXII showcased a new level of expertise from the AI Productions Department as film maker, editor, writer, videographer and busboy, Nick Weiss-Richmond risked his burgeoning career and took his considerable experience and expertise behind The Official AI Camera to record the proceedings at his inaugural AI.

With that in mind, The AI Blog Department in cooperation with AI Productions will release each Stan's AI-XXII performance over the next two weeks to fuel the festering fire of AI preparation.

Herewith and therefore, with no further babble is Part 1:  "How do I work this?"

The Unbreakable Kim Jong-Il

It would appear that Kim Jong-Il, Kim Jong-Un's baby daddy, was ideally suited for AI competition.  Let us now pause and unleash our imaginations as to how he would have fared in the competitive cauldron of The AI.

He excelled at golf and bowling; you might say he was a natural at both.  You might also say that AI-XXII Champion Heimsch is a natural ballroom dancer.

In his very first round in 1994, Kim finished an 18-hole round of golf a mere 38 under par over the 7,700 yard championship course at Pyongyang, according to the always reliable state media.  Kim was "in a zone," recording five holes-in-one, although some reports have the number as high as 11.  Another report has him bowling a perfect game of 300 in his first attempt on the lanes (and with rented shoes).

His interest in soccer and basketball, although unrelated to The AI, are also of interest.  He offered coaching advice during the 2010 World Cup, communicating with coach Kim Jong-Hun via "invisible cellphone," a technique frequently employed over the years by AI-X Champ Reifsnyder.  Jong-Il is said to have developed the technology himself after dropping a tab of acid and watching Pee Wee Herman's Playhouse.  In the women's World Cup, the North Korea coach said his team lost to the United States 11 because his peers were struck by lightning during a practice season in North Korea.  The coach was immediately executed as Jong-Il reminded the country that there is no lightning in North Korea.

Reached on his Princess phone at his home in Sarasota, two-time AI Champion Gordon opined that "anyone who uses lightning as an excuse for poor performance is a disgrace and weak," he added "this obviously comes from someone who has no ability to provide credible excuses for losing, something with which I have considerable expertise."



Repeated attempts to reach Kim the younger or any of his representatives regarding Kim the elder's lip sync prowess went unanswered.

Grazing in the Grass

With nightmares of AI's past ricocheting in their heads, The Director and Banquet Director have spent the past month jointly and severally hacking, chopping and flailing at golf balls in rough that approximates the depth and thickness of grasses more commonly seen in the Everglades.  That assumes the balls can be located at all.  A shot a mere yard or two wide of the fairway can result in a search party reminiscent of the one assembled by AI ancestor, Lord Stanley.  A player in a recent group tossed a club out of a bunker and spent the next 5 minutes trying to find it.

AI-XXIII:  April 4th - 8th.  You're welcome.

Where's the golf ball?

Jackie

Orlando’s Jackie (Jackie), 15, DIes; Loyal Friend, Family Member and Customer Service Director at One Day Masterpieces

February 3, 2019 - Orlando’s Jackie, referred to by all as ‘Jackie’, a black labrador retriever known for his regal bearing and sweet disposition, died today at his home in Orlando, FL, he was 15.

Mitch Burke and Kathi Marinari, his ‘parents’, employers and dear friends, said the cause was complications of old age.  He spent his last morning sleeping peacefully surrounded by Mitch, Kathi and two of his close friends, Nora and Cleo.

Jackie spent nearly his entire life at his home in Palm Lake in Orlando wheedling for biscuits, sleeping on one of his half dozen beds and taking long walks around the neighborhood.  He was widely known for his work as Director of Customer Service at One Day Masterpieces from 2003 until his retirement in 2017.  There he interacted with scores of customers, always with a smile on his face, a glint in his eye and a nose sniffing out possible treats, unless there was a young child or worse, a baby, in tow.  As a young puppy, a surprise encounter with a screaming baby left him petrified of the little terrors and caused him to flee whenever one was subsequently encountered.  

He spent his work days lounging in the sunny lobby during the morning hours.  At lunchtime, he would join Mitch, and later Conner, for 30 minutes of romping in “his field”; a 40 acre parcel behind the One Day Masterpieces building.  In his youth, he would occasionally scamper away from parental control and end up splashing through one of the canals flanking the field, leaving Mitch to fruitlessly chase and bemoan his stubborn independent streak.   But, due to his overwhelming desire to eat, he always returned.

He, along with his brother Conner, 2 years his junior and also a black lab, lived an opposite life from most dogs.  Their weeks were filled by interaction with their co-workers and customers at work, while their weekends tended to provide more alone time as Mitch, Kathi and Sean, pursued weekend recreational activities that often did not involve dogs.  True to their nature, Jackie and Conner never complained; unless dinner was late.

Although an otherwise stellar example of his fellow labrador retrievers, Jackie eschewed actually retrieving, choosing to let whatever object was thrown lay wherever it landed for the thrower to eventually go pick up him/her/self.  Another example of his iconoclastic personality was his refusal to swim in a pool, electing to exhibit his breed’s traditional love of swimming only in natural bodies of water.  This likely stems from another traumatic event in his youth, wherein he took a Greg Louganis like leap into the koi pond in the Palm Lake house backyard only to panic in the face of 80 colorful fish roiling what he imagined would be a serene dog pond.  After frantically clawing his way out, he would never enter a man made body of water again.

Jackie was also a constant presence at the storied Apartment Invitational (The AI).  He made his initial appearance before his 1st birthday at AI-VIII in 2004.  He can be seen in many photos and videos reveling in the interaction with his closest friends, although he abstained from participating in the Lip Sync.  A tee-totaler, he typically took up residence under the dining room table during the AI Banquet, knowing that the drunken revelers would gradually lose control of their forks and knives and provide him a bounty of forbidden fruits.

Somewhere around 2013, Mitch & Kathi acquired a Tempurpedic mattress for their bed in hopes of providing more comfortable and therapeutic sleep for them.  What they had not anticipated was a stealthy competitor who would spend countless hours nestled on/in its enveloping memory foam.  Jackie staked out his position early in the evening to ensure himself the most preferred spot, often to the dismay and contorted discomfort of his two sleeping mates, Mitch & Kathi.  Jackie spent so much time on the mattress that Mitch & Kathi began referring to him as “Tempurpedic” or sometimes just “Temp”.  Repeated entreaties to Tempurpedic to use him as a spokes-dog went unanswered.

Orlando’s Jackie (Jackie) was born on June 24, 2003 in Knoxville, TN to Tabatha’s Sport, his father, and Tabatha’s Maize, his mother.  He moved to Orlando when he was 4 months old in October 2003 and immediately provided comfort to his new family, first in mourning the recent death of Grandpa Richard and then over the next year as Mitch recovered from cancer surgery.and treatment.  Named for Grandpa Richard’s favorite baseball player, Jackie Robinson, he is survived by his human parents, Mitch & Kathi in Orlando, FL, his human sister Sean in Los Angeles and his younger brother Conner, also of Orlando.

In lieu of flowers, the family requests that his friends give their dogs or cats an extra treat in his memory.

Jackie in "his field"

Jackie at his home in Orlando

Jackie enjoying his summer vacation in Highlands, NC 2018

XXIII and Me and You

When last we met, Rich (Stan) Heimsch was celebrating his triumph in
AI-XXII and looking for his strawberry blond lip sync wig, while the rest of us were wandering aimlessly, lost in our looming PAID (post AI depression).  But, wait.  There is hope.  There is faith.  There is....no charity

For the XXIIIrd time (XXIVth if one counts the BD's nightmare known as
AI-XI2.0), The Director and Banquet Director will host the annual rite, now of spring and previously of winter and occasionally of summer, that harkens Stans from across the nation to leave their nests and flock to
AI-HQ for a weekend of meditative self reflection and tortured metaphors.

Beginning Thursday, April 4th all AI pilgrims are called to make their annual hadj to the Mecca of Stans:  AI-HQ in Orlando, FL, where we hope to continue our record of no-one being trampled.  As always, the weekend will be carefully curated to allow everyone the opportunity for personal growth through deeply profound one on one interactions with fellow Stans as well as group activities designed to promote meaningful paths for better living upon returning to the outside world.

Failing that, we will eat, drink, lip sync, bowl, play golf and remind each other of how intensely bright, clever and charismatic we are.

AI-XXIII

April 4 - 8, 2019