Day 2

After another tremendous kickoff at AI-HQ and Yellow Dog Eats, the acolytes shuffled off to their various bedrooms/futons/guest houses to dream the sweet dreams of anticipation and rue the lack of preparation for lip sync.

Friday found the golfing contingent connoitering at Bay Hill at 10:30 for the first ever LOS + 4-Ball component.  The competition was fierce; and that was just to figure out which cart to use.  Teams were determined by balls in a hat. Make of that what you will.

The new and improved team format produced the highest quality shotmaking in AI-LOS history; somewhat akin to being the tallest midget. At present,we have absolutely no idea who won. We do know that Kathi’s 45/32 took the medalist honors for the 9 holes with Tom a strong second at 41/33. The rest of the players got a free game for retrieving their balls on #9.

Players were then feted by The Baroness von Sidecar and her liege, Tom for a round (or two) of sidecars.  Everyone then staggered to their cars and navigated the 2 miles back to AI-HQ.

After 40+ pieces of fried chicken, various sides, bottles of wine, beer and bourbon, the cadre of clowns headed to the Plaza Live for a rousing show by Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes.  The Director then took Paze and Heimsch on an extended tour of Orlando by missing not one, but two, exits on I-4 for the home in which he has lived since 1998.

Saturday of course marks the beginning of the most intense weekend of the year. The pressure will be unyielding as will the banter.   Let the games continue.

24 Hours To Go

XXII....XXII....XXII

Tuesday evening at AI-HQ and the crack staff at AI Productions is whirling about trying to remember which external hard drive has the photos from   AI-VII and which one has the video from AI-IX.  The Banquet Director and her COO, Nora, have been in constant contact throughout the day coordinating procurement of supplies as well as food.  And, currently, the BD is reprising her skills of yore and affixing vinyl labels to the AI Water Bottles, containers of the AI's 7th favorite beverage after, in no particular order, wine, beer, bourbon, vodka, rum and tequila.  Which reminds us that the AI Shipping Department must remember to coordinate with FedEx for receipt of the annual case of wine from Bastrop, TX.

So with less than 48 hours until a couple of beers and some barbecue at Yellow Dog Eats, we present the following to give an approximation of the adrenaline level at AI-HQ.

The Final Numbers (Numbah?)

With less than a week until balls begin flying all over Arnold Palmer's Bay Hill Club & Lodge, Wikileaks has released the final handicaps for this year's competition.  Players have spent an entire year practicing, playing, thinking, grinding, taking lessons, watching YouTube videos and golf tournaments and for what?  There are no changes to anyone's handicap that register as statistically significant.  And, after consultation with The AI Gerontology Committee, we have been informed that the best is not yet to come.  Our only hope is that our ability to do arithmetic shows a similar decline and we simply cannot remember how many times we have hit the ball.

But we digress.

Here are the final handicaps for the field:

                                Index   Full     Combo

Korpolinski (père):    7.6       9            7

Paze                          10        12          10

Burke                        10.6    13           11

Heimsch                    13.4     16          13

Gordon                      16.5     20          17
The BD                       24.4     25          ---

Korpolinski (mère)     24.4     25          ---

In Sync

With only four days until the onset of AI-XXII, The AI Entertainment Committee is sending this announcement as a service to all AI attendees.  Is your Lip Sync synced?  Have your brilliant ideas of 6 months ago come face to face with the cold, hard truth of having to perform in 6 days?  Did you watch Stormy Daniels on "60 Minutes"?

The past four AI's have seen uniformly remarkable Lip Sync performances firmly entrenching The AI-Lip Sync Challenge as a cornerstone of The AI.  So, for those unlike The Director who tend to procrastinate and might need some late inspiration, we offer the following:

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie.....

That's The AI.  The Banquet Director colluded with her Department this week. The agenda included drinking copious quantities of wine and churning out lasagna noodles, meatballs and sausages, all in preparation for the annual Feast of the Incomprehension.  Then, demonstrating the impulsivity for which she is known, The BD suddenly fired several members of The Committee only to immediately claim that the firing never happened and decry the report as false news and an indictment of the Banquet Department's ethos.

**Note: We have been asked by The BD to retract the word "indictment".

The Banquet Department then went into special session to discuss The AI-XXII Banquet.  Reports from several sources, who spoke on the condition of anonymity because they are not authorized to speak on the subject, are that the menu will be the greatest menu in AI history, far surpassing previous menus.

PS:  The wrist brace is nothing to worry about, unless of course, you're the one wearing it.

Our Sunday Best

It was a glorious week in Orlando and at Arnold Palmer's Bay Hill Club & Lodge as the Club prepared for The AI with its annual warm up tournament, The Arnold Palmer Invitational.  Rory McIlroy was the winner, demonstrating again and again why he will never be invited to The AI.

And.....Snark Week comes to a merciful conclusion with the latest entry to the AI Preview Pantheon:
AI-XXII....The Farce Awakens

Penultimatlely

and now, reminisce as The AI displays the sophistication that only comes with maturity.  XXI times we have gathered and still the question remains:  WHY??

Friday Out of My Mind

The AI is no longer a teenager.  And, Bucknell put up a valiant although ultimately futile battle on national television against the deep state known as major college basketball represented by the infidels from Michigan State.

Please enjoy The AI's anticipation of its 20th anniversary 

Throwback Thursday

AI Productions bumbles along with today's Fractured Fairy Tales edition of Snark Week.

Hump Day

Snark Week has reached our favorite day.  Look back and gander.....at our own selves.  AI-XVIII

Tuesday Kvelled

It's Snark Week Tuesday so grab a shot glass, take 49 seconds and transport yourself back to AI-XVII when life was slow and oh, so mellow.

Snark Week

We continue our look back at the previews of past AI's during Snark Week.  Today we look back in wonder at AI-XVI

Coming Soon

The Ides of March are nearly upon us and our clocks have sprung forward, mostly on their own.  AI is rapidly taking over our lives with robotic vacuum cleaners, self-driving cars and the XXIInd Invitational.  The AI Historical Society thought it would be entertaining to look back at the 7 years of AI coming attractions as we await AI-XXII and before AI takes control of The AI under the guise of The Department of Redundancy Department.

Herewith the first trailer from the halcyon days of AI-XV

Numerology

March madness has begun.  No, not that bloated money laundering vehicle cloaked as a basketball tournament.  True, clinical madness.  That takes place in March.  Partially.  As such, The AI Executive Director has waded into the sanctum sanctorum (latin cousin of Rick), rooted through piles of papers, USB cables, camera memory cards and old NYT Magazines to unearth the desk upon which sits The Official AI iMac. The venerable machine has been shaken out of its months long slumber and with the requisite security updates from The AI IT Department, has been deemed secure from Russian hackers as well as  400 pound men sitting on their beds in New Jersey.

After much gnashing of teeth, smacking of gums, against all better judgment and without an Oxford comma, The AI Golf Committee has agreed to sanction AI-XXII.  Seven 'players' have been granted credentials to the 3 days of competition better known as whine, groan and grunt.  In order to provide a more perfect AI experience, as if that were possible, The Committee has again tendered invitations to the couple Korpolinski as a means to round out an already rather round field.

Day 1 will again feature the Six Ball competition with one Korpolinski assigned to a threesome and the other a foursome relegated to the role of marker or, if she/he is as smart as we know him/her to be, will fold laundry or dust chair rails while the other is forced to participate.  The format on Days 2 and 3 will be similarly inscrutable.  In a grand gesture by The AI Diversity Committee, The Korpolinskis will be eligible for the Six Ball title.  However, as with any non-native brought somewhere through no fault of their own, they are deemed ineligible for any benefits that accrue to native AI participants competing for The AI Championship.  

As always, The Committee strives to stage a fair and equitable event using USGA approved handicaps.  Failing that, we will make something up as we go along.

Here then are the penultimate handicaps for the field:

                                Index   Full     Combo

Korpolinski (père):     7         8            6

Paze                          10        12          10

Burke                        10.3     12          10

Heimsch                    13.4     16          13

Gordon                      16.6     20          17

Korpolinski (mère)     24.6     27          ---

The BD                       24.7     27          ---

4 weeks from today......

THE BANQUET - AI-XXI

Bowling Takes a Holiday

Since AI-VII, with 2 exceptions (1 for lack of energy and 1 for a computerized simulacrum) we, clad in Goodwill-chic shirts, have entertained ourselves on AI Friday night by hurtling heavy reactive resin orbs down brightly waxed floor boards toward plastic/maple pins with the occasional pin actually struck by the hurtling orb.  As the AI's have come and gone so have some of the participants.  Some have feigned injury, others predicted injury, others claimed religious proscription or dietary restriction.  Even with jars of Advil, the stress and strain of rolling two consecutive games while participants' minds are more focused on memorizing lip-sync songs has simply become too great a burden - at least for this year.

And so, The AI Concert Committee in conjunction with The AI Bowling Council, is announcing the second ever AI Concert Night.  Veterans of the AI will remember (?) seeing Springsteen in 2000 (maybe) at the now razed Amway Arena (since replaced by the cleverly named Amway Center).  For AI-XXII we will somehow get ourselves to the local venue known as The Plaza Live to witness the staggering (a multipurpose descriptive) performance of Bruce's buddy Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes.  In preparation for those under the age of 65, The AI Archives Committee suggests listening to the band's masterpiece, "Hearts of Stone".  Alternatively one might choose to drink heavily prior to the show.

In the meanwhile, here he/they is/are in all their glory doing Bruce's "Talk To Me"

The Year(s) of Living Dangerously

It is 2018.  And as we open the second chapter of what the AI Editorial Board has, since January 20, 2017, come to call "The Years of Living Dangerously" we fear from danger that looms everywhere.  

From Mudslides. From Harvey Weinstein. From ISIS. From Steve Bannon. From the Alt Right (although there are very fine people in that group). From Charlie Rose. From the rapists and murderers coming from Mexico (although, again, we have been assured there are some good people there as well).  From Louis C.K.  From Fox News (sic).  From Matt Lauer.  From Fukushima.  From Bill Cosby.  From Yemen. From Mario Batali.  From the NFL.  From Kevin Spacey.  From shithole countries.  From Bill O'Reilly.  From Hawaii.  From Little Rocket Man.
From the 45th (& hopefully not last) President of the United States.

And so, for the XXIInd time, the call goes out to The AI to summon the better angels of our nature.  

Yes, it is time once again for The AI, the lyme disease of golf tournaments, to emerge from its dormancy and infect our consciousness.  There is no cure.  No vaccine.  But there will be wine, bowling and lip sync.

In other news, The AI Etymology Committee, alerted by Emma-nem, is flabbergasted to report that "Stan" was just added to the Oxford Dictionaries.  To further clarify, back in 2000, Eminem released "Stan" - a song written about an overly obsessive fan named Stan.  Over the decade and a half since the song dropped, "stan" slowly became a word fanbases used to describe their devotion to a public figure.  For example, this dufus would be considered a Britney stan

A "decade and a half"? 15 years? Are these guys kidding?  As any true Stan knows, the actual origin story predates this nonsense by 24 years when 3 savants in The Apartment in Lewisburg, PA professed their 'devotion to a public figure.'

Obsessed Stans who obsessed over... Stan.  Reductio ad absurdum.  QED.  🎵m-o-u-s-e🎵

an authentic Stan in native garb and habitat

So fear not native Stans. The AI Intellectual Property Committee in concert with The AI Legal Department is exploring all remedies regarding the obviously libelous activity by Eminem, the Oxford Dictionary and the nerd in the Britney shirt.  As many people are saying, current U.S. libel laws are "a sham and a disgrace and do not represent American values or American fairness," and we are "...going to take a strong look at that."  This carnage stops right here and stops right now.  From this day forward it's going to be only STAN first - STAN first.

But when you ask, when will we again get to don our robes, hoodies, snuggies, doo rags and boxers?  When?  Behold.  

AI-XXII

March 29 - April 2, 2018